Afraid of the Dark
by Darkmoonphase
Summary: As long as he keeps quiet and does as "they" say, he's fine. But Kakuzu and his friends have other ideas. Thrown into something he doesn't want, all he can do is try to stop it before it's too late for those he cares most about. kakuhida/AU/high school [Now adding Alternate Ending chapters; 2013 update]
1. One

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or the characters thereof.**

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**Afraid of the Dark**

_Summary: It doesn't bother him anymore. The dark, that is. The emptiness it brings is almost reassuring. Until he moves into a new house in a new neighborhood. Then everything is different and everything unnerves him. And then there's the guy of his dreams – who's counting money off in a corner – and his friends who all just happen to leave him alone. The dark is hauntingly empty and it always brings loneliness with it. And memories; it always brings those memories. hidanXkakuzu_

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**One**

I stared at the ceiling, the glow-in-the-dark stars glowing in the empty darkness. I liked to think that the dark was an escape, but I'd be lying. There's no comfort in the vastness of black. It only brings pain and misery. But that's what you crave when you sit in the dark alone, right? The rain outside started to get louder as it hit my window. I sat up and stared out the glass at the dripping moisture as it slowly slid down and disappeared over the frame. The wind whistled loudly. At this point, I wouldn't be getting any sleep. It was too loud. Too empty.

I got up, touching my feet to the prickly carpet before slowly standing and walking to my door. I opened it a little, checking to see if my parents' door was closed. Satisfied, I swung open my door and slipped out into the hall. The wind howled and the rain hit the roof of my house relentlessly. I was so tired, but at the same time, wide awake. I needed a safe place, somewhere that didn't feel so empty.

I walked down the stairs and into the family room. The TV was off and so were all the lights. I sat down on the couch and watched the rain fall through the back window. That room made me feel a bit more comfortable. It didn't make me feel so…alone. The house shifted a little with a creak and I flinched. I hated the nights. They only brought loneliness and despair for what was waiting the next day. I couldn't stand it. And I couldn't get away from it. There was a flash of lightning and I smiled serenely. Maybe this house didn't help ease my pain, but it didn't have to. As long as I was surrounded by the comfort of the storm and familiar objects that I could name, I was fine.

Thunder rumbled in the distance, a bit louder than the last time I had heard it, and twenty-thousand seconds later, lightning flashed again. I leaned over and rested my head on the armrest of the couch, slowly drifting off into sleep as I listened to the rain beat against the windows. Tomorrow would be a little better – a brand new school meant a brand new start.

* * *

When I woke up the next morning, it was because of a pale light that was somehow filtering through the thick clouds and into the family room. I sat up slowly, my shoulder aching from lying on it awkwardly all night. I forced myself to get up, slouch upstairs, into my room and go through all of the regular morning procedures. It was killer. When I was finally finished, I wandered downstairs again in search of breakfast and time. I still had thirty minutes before I had to go to school. I glared out the window at heavy, gray clouds that threatened to dump rain on me as soon as I left the house. I turned from the rain-streaked window to the fridge and started compiling a decent breakfast.

I still had ten minutes to kill before I had to go to the bus stop when I was done eating and doing dishes. I went upstairs, grabbed my jacket and backpack – double-checking to make sure that I had everything I needed – and hurried back downstairs. I dropped my backpack on the ground by the door and slipped into my jacket. I checked the time and decided that it was okay if I left a little early. I slung my backpack over my shoulder and stepped out into the cold. I closed the door behind me and locked the deadbolt with the key I'd taken from the bulletin board and pocketed. I pulled my hood over my head as I stepped off the porch, hearing the rain lightly tap the cement.

The bus stop wasn't far away from my house, so when I got there, I just sat on the sidewalk. I hated the neighborhood I was now living in. All the houses looked the same and I knew for sure that I'd try to walk into someone else's home after school today. The rain picked up, splashing into puddles that had been left there from last night's storm. I scowled and pulled my hood tighter around my head. Through the downpour, I heard someone walking up. I looked up and saw a teen with long blonde hair, part of it covering half his face. His hood was down and hair was quickly getting soaked. He didn't seem to care. Instead, he had his eye on me. He was looking at me in surprise. I glowered at him and stared out at the street again. A car sped past me and the newcomer. It didn't look like this was a busy street.

"Hi," the teen mumbled, from above me. I didn't look at him. His voice was annoyingly deep. Not puberty deep, but unexpectedly deep – as if I'd been anticipating a high pitched voice. The teen didn't say anything else to me, but greeted someone else when another person arrived. I finally stood up, hoping that the bus would be coming soon. If only I could drive.

The other teen, who had just arrived, was raven-haired. His slick black hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail at the nape of his neck – what was it with these people and ponytails? – and had stress lines under his eyes. His eyes were deep black, like if you looked into them too long, you might get lost in nothing. I shivered at the thought. As if I didn't have enough alone time. Two more people arrived – one wearing an orange mask with a black swirl and another who had bright red hair and profound maroon eyes. The redhead and the blonde hugged when they saw each other. I let out a low annoyed sound and looked back at the street, willing the bus to arrive. It didn't.

There was an ominous, resounding clap of thunder above us that made the ground quiver under my feet. The blonde let out a yelp and the redhead laughed quietly. I smiled. Thunder was like nature screaming. My smile disappeared when the harsh wind beat at my back, mixing with the rain to soak me. I suddenly wished that I had a waterproof jacket. Finally the bus came into view and the orange masked teen cheered. As soon as the bus stopped and opened its doors, I leapt inside and took a seat somewhere between the middle and front. The others shuffled in and made their way to the back. We were the first stop. I loved it. That meant we'd be the last stop too. The bus took off as soon as the raven-haired teen was on the bus and seated in the back with the others.

I leaned against the window as we went four more stops through our route and then to the school. The bus hummed with the soft chatter of girls who liked being up at five 'o clock in the morning doing their hair. Most of us were silent as we made our way to the school. I stared out the window, watching the town race past us. The town was quiet. Someone from behind me suddenly shrieked and another laughed hysterically. How could people be so awake so early?

When we reached the school, I realized that I didn't know where I was going. Why had my mom made me take the bus on my first day of school? I mean, who does that anyway? I stood there, feeling moronic, for a few minutes before deciding to go looking for room 212. There were three floors in one building that made up my school. It didn't seem like a lot to me since I'd just moved from a place where the schools had three floors, a basement and three other buildings. I decided that I probably wouldn't get too confused if I paid a lot of attention to the numbers.

My first period was English. I wanted to take it so that I could go to America to go to college when I was older. I'd heard that the universities didn't have very high standards – for the most part – and that totally interested me. It meant that I could slack off a little as long as I was getting passing grades. When the bell rang, my teacher waltzed in and said something in English that made me roll my eyes. She couldn't talk in English through the whole year, even if she could speak it. We'd never get it.

Finally she said, in Japanese, "Hello, class! How was your summer?" We all gave a half-hearted answer and she smiled. "Alright. For this whole semester, we'll focus mostly on greetings and phrases that are most commonly said. Like…" I blinked as she said something in English again. "Which roughly translates as 'how are you?'" She wrote what I assumed was the sentence in English on the board. The characters looked disoriented – like someone had taken lines and randomly put them together to make a letter. When she was finished, she repeated the phrase in English and then in Japanese, telling us to "give it our best shot". This class would be interesting.

* * *

My second period was math. I was a little pissed about it because I really sucked at math, but I figured that it was placed at just the right time of day. The second one in where I could get it out of the way and concentrate on things that I actually enjoyed. My math teacher was a man that looked like he didn't even want to be teaching anymore but couldn't find anything else that he was good at so every other interesting occupation was out of the question. He was a pretty crabby old guy too. As soon as my foot touched inside the frame, he snapped, "Who are you?"

"Hidan," I stammered, a little taken aback by his attitude. He squinted at a piece of paper on the desk in front of him. Oh brother. Finally he lifted his head and pointed at a desk in the last row by the window. The desk wasn't in front and it wasn't in back so I was happy with it. Several other people who filed in got the same treatment. Then he walked in. All of his face except his eyes was concealed by a black fabric mask. It was attached to his shirt which was tightly fitted to him. He wore only a thin vest with a hood – like he'd need it when the mask already covered his head. I rolled my eyes and smiled to myself.

"Kakuzu," the teen stated, like he'd been through the procedure before. Or maybe he'd heard what happened to the last guy who walked in and was still shaking in his desk. The teacher muttered something about respect and peered at the paper again. When he looked up, he pointed to the vacant seat next to me and I inwardly moaned. The guy walked up to the desk, throwing his bag on the ground and jumping over the seat before sitting in it. Showoff. The teacher yelled at him to respect the equipment and I almost laughed. Like anyone cared what was school property and what wasn't. It was all theirs until the end of the year when they decided that it had been a bad idea to carve their names into desks.

The teacher went to the front of the room and picked up a marker. He wrote his name on the board and told us that this year wasn't going to be easy. At least the guy was straightforward. He passed out the disclaimers with a, "If these aren't returned to me by tomorrow with a guardian's signature, I'll fail you right off the bat." This teacher was going to be the end of me. He droned through the "crucial points" and then wrote a problem on the board. He told us to get some paper out and solve the problem because this was going to determine how much time we'd have to spend doing homework in study hall – "if we have that class, if not then it's just a lot of homework."

I stared at the problem for a minute, trying to uncover the mystery of it. It had a lot of integers and exponents. I felt my heart skip a beat. I had study hall after lunch. And I didn't get this problem. I mentally cursed as I wrote the problem on my paper and tried that P.E.M.D.A.S process. I finally came up with an answer just as the teacher called time. There were several protests and a lot of moaning. I glanced next to me. Kakuzu looked like he was asleep. The teacher told us to all shut up and pass our papers forward. As he collected them he told us, "I won't correct your bookwork…" There were several cheers but he wasn't done. "I only make you do the odds so you can check them yourselves. I don't want you to fix them the first time. When you correct them, you mark the ones you get wrong. If I don't see any marks, you fail. I hand them back and you fix the answers. You put star next to the ones you fixed and hand them back." There were even more people groaning.

The teacher told us to get out our textbooks and if we hadn't gotten one yet to go get one. And then he gave us a three page assignment – but we could only do the odds. I had an excuse not to sleep tonight.

* * *

The day slowly passed with world civics in third, gym in fourth and then lunch. I was a little surprised. There were only two lunches and I had first. I was also pleased because I was hungry. Gym had been killer. The coach had given us the standard disclosures and then tested us to find out what he could make us endure this year. Apparently, I got one of the higher ranks. It wasn't my fault that I tended to take care of my body. World civics didn't seem so bad, actually. My teacher was crazy. He said he was also a Literature teacher and he talked to a picture of Shakespeare because he was the only person who was smart enough to hold a conversation with. My classmates, however, were all made up of morons. And that included the orange masked teen from my bus stop.

Before I dove into the hectic mobs that somehow formed into lines in the lunchroom, I searched for my locker. It was all the way by my first period classroom. And then the lock combination wouldn't work. So I hit the locker. There was a slight dent afterward, but the lock finally worked. I shoved several of my books into my locker before slamming the door shut again and wandering down to the cafeteria again. There were about five places to get food and all I wanted was some rice. It took a few minutes, but I finally found the line. When it was my turn, I served myself and stopped to type in my ID number.

"Do you have lunch money?" the lunch lady grunted, reminding me that I didn't have free lunches. What was free in this world now anyway? I pulled my wallet out of my back pocket. I had two twenties. I decided I'd regret it if I didn't forfeit one of them, so I passed a twenty over to her. She took it, typed something in and tucked the money away. She nodded and I went to find somewhere to sit. There was only one free table and I took advantage of that. As I walked over to it, I passed the guys from my bus stop, Kakuzu and some other kids at a table. They were all talking in low voices, making me wonder how they could hear each other over the chaos of the rest of the cafeteria.

I put my plate on the table, pulled my phone out of my pocket and my headphones from my backpack. If I was going to sit alone, I figured that I should have something to do. I thought about doing my math homework, but then I'd look like too much of a goody-goody and I didn't want people to get the wrong impression. Instead, I ate my lunch exaggeratingly slow. And I still had time to kill. I almost panicked. That meant more time alone with nothing to distract me. And then I heard the screaming.

"You asshole!" Kakuzu was yelling at the redhead. "I don't even know why I put up with you!"

"You don't have to, you know," the blonde retorted angrily. "There are plenty of other places that you could sit, un."

"Oh shut-up, you bitch," Kakuzu cried, rolling his eyes and throwing his arms in the air half-heartedly. "You're so goddamn annoying!"

"Would you stop picking on him, fuck-face?" the redhead screeched, standing up. He was actually pretty short compared to Kakuzu. I hadn't noticed earlier because the blonde was only a little taller than him. "It's not his fault that you're stuck in your junior year for the third time."

Kakuzu looked a bit taken aback by this. He was quiet for a minute and then he screamed, "At least I'm not some puppet-obsessed freak! One who everyone in the school hates except for your stupid little bitch of a boyfriend!" And he stormed off, leaving the redhead and the blonde speechless.

I watched him go and then the bell rang. I gathered my stuff and took off; dropping my trash in the garbage can on my way. How could someone so good at math be stuck in his junior year for the third time? Even I, the one who could barely pull off a C in math, had managed to make it from my sophomore year to my junior year with minimal problems.

Study hall was boring. All I did was draw. The teachers didn't really take notice of us after they handed out and went over the disclaimers. They said that they were there to help us with our homework if needed. I didn't believe them.

My mind was still buzzing with the boredom from my last class when it suddenly occurred to me that I wasn't sure where I was supposed to be going. I pulled out my schedule and grinned. Biology was next. Human biology, to make things even better. I practically ran to my next class. The teacher didn't disappoint me either. She was a petite woman who looked like she was barely over twenty. But she knew her stuff. After she'd gone over the disclaimer, she told us some of the things we'd be doing that year. I loved this class. She told us that we'd even be dissecting frogs this year! I'd done it last year, but it never got old. She gave us a quiz, to test where we were and how much help we'd need. It was too easy. When the class ended, I was almost sad. I had to wait for tomorrow. And then I felt the panic. I had to go home after three more periods. I had to face the emptiness and loneliness.

"Hey," the redhead stopped by my desk, frowning as he watched me finish shoving things into my backpack in a flurry. I grunted. "You like biology?"

I almost laughed. "Yeah; internal organs fascinate me." I tried not to sound too enthusiastic. I only had so much pride. "You?"

"I like it, for the most part," he answered, sounding like he was really distracted. "Name's Sasori. You?"

"Hidan," I muttered, standing up and draping my backpack over my shoulder. "You have a reason to be talking to me?" He didn't really seem like the kind of guy who'd 'extend his hand in friendship'. It'd probably be closer to 'extend his hand so he can rip your throat out'.

"I was just curious…You don't really look like the sort of guy who'd be interested in the human body," Sasori informed me as he scrutinized me.

"Looks can be deceiving," I retorted, wanting to leave already.

Sasori nodded absentmindedly. "In most cases, that's a lie. But I suppose in your case, it's true." He smiled coldly at me before stalking off. I was free to go. I raced from the room, desperate to get to my next class before the bell rang. I couldn't afford a detention. My parents would be extremely mad at me. I finally found the class. But then I started to wonder why I had asked to take this class. It looked too complicated. Web-designing.

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After an excruciatingly long day, I managed to find the bus without too many problems. But when I got on the bus, I didn't have any choice but to sit in the front because I'd taken too long to get there to choose a decent seat. I could have gone to the back and sat with the others. I didn't risk it though. I was almost positive that they didn't like me. The look Sasori had given me today made wonderful evidence. The moment I was seated, the bus roared to life. Someone from the back yelled, "About time you got here, asshole!"

I almost didn't turn around. But I did. I could see the guy snickering in the back. It wasn't really anyone I recognized. That was a good thing though. He was staring straight at me. So I flipped him off. He frowned and returned the gesture. It wasn't any fun when they guy decided he had the right to reply. I turned around and sat in my seat, fuming and pouting at the same time. I hate this place. Idiots should know their place and stay there.

When we made the second stop, the guy I had flipped off started walking off the bus. I casually stretched a leg out and caught one of his ankles. He stumbled and almost fell. I withdrew my foot and snickered as he glared at me before stalking off the bus. Yes, I loved having the last stop. By the time we made it to my stop, the panic of what was waiting for me at home almost overwhelmed me. I even considered staying on the bus to see where it went. Anything to escape the emptiness. I couldn't avoid it though. I silently got off the bus and stood on the sidewalk, suddenly more afraid of walking into someone else's house than the emptiness I was going to face.

I finally got tired of feeling like an idiot and wandered back the way I had come that morning. The sky was still a light gray, but the clouds looked too weightless to hold anymore rain. I was safe for now. I shuffled down the street. Annoyingly, I was behind the blonde and Sasori. They walked down the same street as me until I had to turn a corner and they kept walking. As I turned the corner, Sasori looked back at me with a glare. What had I done to him again? When I made it to my street, I was very confused. All the houses looked the same and nothing in the front yards gave me any clue as to where I lived. I wished I had my address memorized. I looked for the house with the WELCOME sign on the front door. My mom was anal about giving people the right impression.

It took several minutes – and most of them were occupied by me walking up and down the street a few times – but I found my house. I checked the number and repeated in my head several times as I walked into the house and up into my room. I wrote it on the whiteboard so I would see it when I woke up. If I slept in my room tonight. I started on my math homework as a pastime. I got about half of the answers wrong. I suddenly hoped that the teacher wouldn't be grading us on how many problems we got wrong. If he did, I'd flunk for sure.

When my homework was done, I sat there, staring at my surroundings. They all seemed like they belonged to someone else, not me. And yet, they were all my things. The silence dragged on, slowly becoming louder. The emptiness slowly started suffocating me. I felt like screaming. I stood up abruptly, knocking my chair backwards, and hurried downstairs. I raced out the back door and into the backyard. A few birds chirped obnoxiously in the distance and there were kids down the street laughing loudly. The sun was peeking through the clouds now, making the world a bit warmer than this morning. But I was in shadows. Where it was always cold.

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_**A/N: My first HidanXKakuzu fanfic. I think it's pretty good so far – all things considered. That's just me though. Yeah, another one of my silly little high school fics. But that's what Darkmoonphase does best! I hope you like it so far. Please review…**_


	2. Two

**Afraid of the Dark**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or the characters thereof.**

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**Two**

The night was haunting again. I forced myself to stay in my room though. It wasn't going to scare me. I had to get over it sooner or later. I eventually got up and turned on my closet light, pulling a knife from a carefully concealed box at the back of the crowded area. The knife gleamed a little, shimmered in the dull light. It was comforting. I still had something that was mine. I slowly stood up, still admiring the sleek metal and the engravings that I'd personally scratched on. I flicked off the closet light, shutting the door behind me, and went to my bed again. My fingers were carefully closed around the handle of the knife. I'd always wondered if the physical pain of cutting skin would hurt as bad as the mental pain. But I still couldn't bring myself to slice my finger. I'd have to explain it to my mom. And I couldn't do that. I couldn't.

I delicately set the knife on my bedside stand and curled up under my blankets again, staring at that beautiful piece of art. It was mine. I knew it was. My eyes closed. I put one finger to the blade of the knife, careful not to cut myself, before withdrawing my hand and letting myself drift to sleep. Yes, one thing in this world was mine. And mine alone. No one could take it from me. It was all I had left.

--

When I got up the next morning, I hid my knife again. No one could find it. After I was done with that, I went through my regular morning procedures – with my address running through my head – and hurried to the bus stop. I wasn't all that early this time. The blonde was already there with Sasori and they were talking animatedly about art or some shit that I didn't care about. They gave me no notice. Which was fine. The sun was slowly rising, giving the world a tainted look. It's too cold. The two teens next to me finally stopped talking and I sighed. It wasn't because of them, honestly. It was because I was cold and irritated.

Sasori didn't really see it that way. He looked at me frostily, despite his boyfriend's hand on his arm, trying to restrain him from turning this into a big deal. I didn't care. "Do you have a problem with us?"

Why me? "No. I'm cold. So fuck off, ass," I told him angrily. Did he have personal grudges against a lot of people or just me? On the irritation meter, this guy went beyond.

"What?" It was the blonde who spoke this time. When you piss one off, you piss the other off, I guess.

I turned to them. They both glared at me. "I said, fuck off, ass. And now, it applies to you too," I informed him slowly, enunciating every word carefully as though speaking to a daft person. "All I did was sigh."

"Right after we stopped talking," Sasori pointed out. He was definitely pissed off. Boy, what timing I'd had!

I rolled my eyes and scoffed. "So I have impeccable timing. This automatically means that I have something against you?" Their glares don't look any kinder. "Yeah, because that makes so much sense!" I cried sarcastically.

The black-haired boy arrived at that point. If Blondie hadn't turned to him and started whining, I would have thought that his presence would have gone unnoticed. But do things actually work the way you want them to? He didn't say anything, but gave me a death glare.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to get into some big fight. Trouble followed in suit. So I told them as calmly as I could, "It's rude to stare, you know." And turned away from them. I wished I could have seen their expressions. Have you ever noticed that when you try to pick a fight, you usually get one; and when you're trying to avoid one, it pisses the other person off so you get one anyway? I have. It's like a reverse psychology thing. Sasori gave me a good punch in the jaw. I spun and glared at him. "You fucking asshole! You're so asking for it!" I didn't want to punch him back – if I did, he'd have perfect evidence against me when he saw his parents. But I couldn't help it. You piss one off, you piss off the other. I threw my fist into his stomach, making him stumble back.

His boyfriend caught him, a shocked expression on his face. He looked from Sasori to me, slowly getting angry again. It was amusing. The orange-masked teen ran up then, demanding, "What's going on?"

The black-haired teen turned and calmly explained, "Sasori picked a fight with the new guy. And he hits back." He was too calm for someone whose friend had just been knocked backward with a stupid punch to the stomach.

"Ooh!" the orange-masked teen cried. "You okay, Sasori-san?" What a prick.

"Sure…" Sasori muttered, giving me the best death glare he could conjure up while huffing in pain. It was pretty pathetic. I laughed. "What's so funny, bastard?!"

I calmed myself down to quiet chuckles. "You're fucking pathetic," I whispered with a smug grin. "And you hit like a girl."

If Blondie and Sasori hadn't been pissed before, they were now. "When did you decide you could talk to him like that, un?!" the blonde cried, almost dropping his boyfriend in his rage. "You don't even know him!"

"He doesn't know me either!" I yelled back. They were really asking for it now. I wanted to punch their faces in. But the bus arrived then. They'd have to wait. As it lurched to a stop, I pushed past all of them and climbed onto it. I chose a seat in the middle and they all sat in the back, all giving me glares as they passed. Today was going to be hell.

--

The day was slow. The only exciting part came out of math when Kakuzu yelled at the teacher. Well, I probably would have yelled too, if I were him. The teacher was ripping on him because he had fallen asleep – after he'd finished his assignment and homework. Like he had anything better to do…! By lunch, I felt like I needed to do something to liven up the day. Almost everyone at Sasori's table had glared at me as I passed them, so I knew he hadn't wasted any time telling them what had happened this morning. That meant that I couldn't finish what he'd started this morning because he had even more people on his side than before. And all I had was me.

"Hi!" a peppy voice chirped above me. She was annoying. I didn't even have to look at her to know. I reluctantly looked up, though, into bright red eyes that stared at me excitedly. Her hair fell around her face and clung carefully to her cheeks. She wore a short dress that barely passed as "appropriate". It wrapped around her tightly – and, if you asked me, not attractively. "My name's Kurinai."

I twitched. I hoped it wasn't noticeable. I needed this chance. She could turn this around; help me out of this hellhole. "My name's Hidan," I gritted out, forcing a smile onto my lips. I also noticed three other guys behind her. One was too disturbing to even try to describe – with his eyebrows from hell and all green outfit (what did he think he was? A leprechaun? He was too tall for that). The other guy had a bandana covering his left eye. He looked like he was one of those losers who tried to be cool. Surprisingly, this guy was pulling it off pretty well. The last guy had a bandana wrapped around his head. He had a sucker in his mouth – a recovering nicotine addict, poor guy. He looked more like a gangster than the others.

Kurinai beamed and stood up straight, grinning widely. Why did she have to be so annoying? This would be so much easier if she wasn't…No. I wasn't even trying and I knew it. I was going to use her so I could tell my mom that I was okay. But I wasn't okay. Even if I was going to say I was. Because that's what you do when you can't do anything else, right? "These are my friends, Guy and Kakashi." Leprechaun wannabe was Guy and Loser-trying-to-be-cool was Kakashi. Matching. "And this is my boyfriend, Asuma."

I blinked. And almost laughed. It was such a good opportunity – left open like that for me. But I needed them. Still, she was too peppy to be hanging out with this gangster wannabe. It was just too funny. "Ah," was all I got out, trying to cover my spluttering.

"Guess what?!" Kurinai squealed and I shrugged. She only knew my name and she was treating me like a friend. This was too good. "Kakuzu's got detention! Oh wait. You probably don't even know who he is…Hmm…" She pointed to Kakuzu and said, "That's him. He thinks he's all that. The only thing he cares about is money. Maybe his friends but that's undecided because he keeps yelling at Sasori and Deidara. I think he's jealous of Sasori. He had a huge crush on him in the ninth grade. He totally got turned down though. It was hilarious!"

"It doesn't really sound that funny," I muttered, starting to feel guilty for the guy. Getting rejected wasn't any fun. I would know. "It sounds pretty cruel…"

"You don't know him," Kurinai pointed out rudely. The three guys behind her sighed and took seats around the table. "He's such a jack-ass. Money, money and more money – that's what he cares about. If anyone gets in the way of him and his money, then he'll flip shit. The only person he's ever cared about was Sasori but he was being such a cheapskate, it doesn't even matter. He totally deserved getting turned down like that. And to see him cry – Ha!"

I stood up, keeping my gaze directed at the floor. She was such a bitch. How could I possible fake being her friend at this point? "You know what?" I asked her, finally looking up at her. "You don't sound like you know him at all. Do you know what happens to people who make false assumptions about other people?" She looked at me with wide eyes. Her boyfriend stood up, seeming guarded. "They get it back tenfold. Enjoy." I walked away from her, flinging my backpack over my shoulder. I shook my head with a grin on my face. I wondered how many nights she'd be up, staring at the ceiling in fear.

"Hey, asshole," Sasori called from his table and I paused, glancing over at him with a frown. He and his friends were all glaring at me. The blonde, whom I assumed was Deidara, flipped me off with a crazy grin on his face.

I glowered at them before looking back at Kurinai. She was crying into her boyfriend's chest and he was holding her while glaring at me. I turned back to Sasori and grinned. I happily flipped them all off with both fingers before sauntering off. If all I could make were enemies…well, it was better than nothing.

--

I curled up at the end of my bed, staring out my window and whimpering. I couldn't help it. I wrapped the blanket tighter around my shoulders and listened to the TV downstairs. My parents were still up. I could go to sleep if I really wanted to, knowing that they were up. But I didn't want to. I glanced at my shut door. It loomed ominously over the bedside table that was next to it. I whimpered pathetically and turned back to the window. Why was I so afraid to go to sleep? I was going to be exhausted tomorrow. Maybe I could skip school. It would probably be worth it. Sasori and his posse had met me outside the school. I think we ended up with equal injuries. If the principal hadn't come along I could have given them a few more hits.

I sighed and flung myself backwards onto my bed. This happened everywhere I went. I couldn't make one friend. They didn't understand. They all tried to make me seem like a nice, normal person. But I wasn't. And it scared them. I'd hoped that this would be my last stop, that maybe I could make some friends here who understood me. No. It was impossible.

I pulled my knees into my chest and stared at my dresser. Stupid people. I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the fear that started creeping up on me. It was a scary thought, that I was alone. My mom laughed downstairs and I cringed. Slowly I started drifting off to sleep. I desperately ignored that fear that clung to me. It was a waste of time to let it bother me. And even in my sleep, I couldn't escape that feeling.

--

_**A/N: Sorry that it's so short. I was at a loss for what to write and then when I decided that I should update, I couldn't muster up enough ideas to make this chapter long. Sorry! I'll try to make the next one longer…**_

_**Please review.**_


	3. Three

**Afraid of the Dark**

**Three**

**--**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or characters thereof. Naruto was written and illustrated by Masashi Kishimoto. **

**--**

The days slowly passed with nothing interesting going on. The cheerleaders were passing out flyers for homecoming – an event that I wasn't planning on attending. They were going to have a big pep rally on Monday and I was going to go somewhere else to hide until it was over. We didn't have to attend it anyway. Kurenai didn't bother me again and the only thing Sasori and his friends did was flip me off occasionally or give me the regular glare. It was starting to annoy me. It turned out that Kurenai was a cheerleader – that explained my unnatural hatred for her and her malevolent personality.

I was really starting to hate it here. Everyone hung out with their little groups and discriminated people who were different than them. And new kids – like me – they couldn't catch a break. Everyone assumed that because you come from the school with the Tiger mascot or the Panda mascot that you were an enemy. What's so threatening about a fucking Panda?! Not that I'd been a Panda. I used to be a Warrior. They never specified which warrior we were named after. And, ironically, we were the only Warrior out there.

The teachers were all pretending to be hyped up for the rally and they kept talking about it on Friday. I thought I was going to die. I didn't have school spirit. I hated school – any school. How the hell was I going to muster up enough "SCHOOL SPIRIT, _YEAH_" for the school to be satisfied? Maybe I could go sit in a corner with all the emo kids and say that I just didn't care. This was mostly true. Except I was keeping tabs on Sasori and his posse.

They were almost as hyped up as the cheerleaders. But the way I saw it, they were more excited about the fact that the rally was going to take up all of first period so they didn't have to come to school until around eight. A little extra sleep never hurt anyone. Their spirit wavered once when Kakuzu punched a cheerleader in the face. I laughed so hard, orange juice almost came out of my nose. It hurt like hell and Kakuzu was not amused.

My school spirit – on a scale of one as lowest and ten as highest – was at a negative ten. Stupid cheerleaders. Maybe if they didn't spell "VICTORY" so many times, I might be more hyped up. It was a chance to show the school how much I wasn't going to support them. Like I wanted a shirt that supported the Samurais. What was so cool about them again? Oh yeah. Their gay little buns and kick-ass swords. I wasn't a Samurai.

--

Have you ever had a dream that makes you think you're awake? I have. It's all relevant to the dark. Half the time, I'm left in the shadows or curled up on my bed in real life. The difference is that in my dreams, it's much darker. So dark, I can't see my hand when it's right in front of my face. I know. I've tried. It feels like I'm walking on nothing and yet I never drop. Or maybe I'm constantly dropping and I just don't know it yet. There's no light, so there's no torture. It's almost relaxing to be there because there's absolutely nothing else around. It's just me in nothing. And even though the dark scares the shit out of me, the emptiness is reassuring. In real life, people kept making me feel. I felt anger, annoyance, guilt, pity, regret. In my dreams, there was no one around to make me feel anything. I had no emotions. It was so relaxing. It was because I knew that I was actually me in my dreams.

I was nothing.

--

The pep rally arrived and I didn't feel very pepped. The cheerleaders went on a rampage around the school before the bell rang, screaming about how we're so going to win this football game and how our school has the most spirit. I could easily tell them otherwise. Didn't they see all the kids who were sprinting toward the door? My mom was still trying to convince herself that I had the most school spirit of them all. Maybe in her little world I did. Kurenai, being one of the little cheerleaders, took advantage of her position at one point and made sure to scream in my face, "GO SAMURAIS!" before bouncing off to go torture someone else. I was right about Sasori and his friends. I didn't see them anywhere. I was so envious of them and their ability to sleep in on assembly days. I was starting to think of places I could go hide and sleep until the rally was over. But I couldn't think of anywhere so I shuffled into the assembly with much resistance.

It was worse than I imagined. The cheerleaders were bouncing around and trying to get each of the years – sophomores, juniors, seniors – to spell "victory" with them. The sophomores were less than enthusiastic. The juniors were getting there. The seniors rubbed out lack of spirit in our faces. The cheerleaders, still not deflated yet, bounced off the stage and let the dance company show off. Our school had a dance company? They were pretty good – except for the two girls in the back who couldn't keep with the beat and were always off. I laughed while everyone else cheered. It was just that bad. The homecoming royalty all got their own little parade thing. I hadn't even realized that the dance had been coming up – nonetheless passed! The football players all walked out dressed in their suits and ties and gave the homecoming queen roses. She blushed, giggled and accepted them all with greed. For the finale? The cheerleaders again. I think I left partway through their routine to go get my reading book for English.

On my way out, I saw Sasori's posse walk through the front doors, Sasori and his boyfriend mysteriously missing. I wanted to slip by with no notice. I mean, there were no witnesses for another 15 minutes. They could pull off so much without anyone knowing except me. So I tried to pass them. And someone grabbed my arm. I grunted as I looked at my captor. He was none other than Kakuzu. He still looked pretty out of it. I wondered if he knew that I was so ready to punch his face in. "Aren't you supposed to be going to that assembly thing?" he asked me, his words slurred with exhaustion.

"Yeah, just like you're supposed to be," I retorted and pulled my arm out of his pathetic grasp. "God, what is it with you guys? You're so fucking uptight. It's sick." I turned and stormed off. Idiots…

--

My morning was completely ruined thanks to them. And the mornings always determined the rest of my day. So my day was shit. I got yelled at by three of my teachers for falling asleep during their class – and I got extra homework from one of them too – and then I realized that I'd forgotten the money for my lunch so I couldn't eat anything. Finally, one of Sasori's friends purposefully tripped me in the halls. I landed on a girl whose boyfriend had been standing right next to her. It ended with said boyfriend and me in the principal's office. I got away with no punishment, though I couldn't say the same about the boyfriend. God, that self-defense excuse works wonders on that guy.

With my healthy dose of humiliation, I walked outside after school, staring at the gray clouds that hovered over the city threateningly. There were only a few other kids around. The buses had long since left. I wandered over to a bench and pulled out my cell phone, preparing myself to call my mom. If she was home, she was going to be hysterical. But what if she wasn't home? What would I do then? I sighed angrily and shoved my phone back into my pocket. Hearing her frantic voice was something that I wanted to pass on for the moment. I watched a bug scurry over the edge of the cement, desperate to hide before the rain started falling. I felt a sinking in my chest as I saw three of the few kids race toward a car that pulled up. It was getting darker.

I looked up to the sky and stared as the first few raindrops started falling on my face. How refreshing. After a moment or two, the rain got harder so I turned my attention to the football field where a few players were goofing around. I was getting wet. I felt like crying, sitting there practically alone. My phone suddenly started vibrating and I pulled it out. My mom. I flipped it open and started talking to her. She supplied most of the conversation with her frantic voice ringing in my ear. I eventually convinced her to come pick me up. She wanted me to stay out of the rain, but I was enjoying getting soaked. I shivered as I pushed my phone back into my pocket. It was getting colder and wetter.

I'm not sure how long I sat there, letting myself get soaked. It was only when my mom honked the car's horn that I looked up. I grabbed my backpack and went over to her car. As I opened my door, she gave me a disapproving look. I shrugged it off as I got in and she started her long talk about how I was going to get sick. That'd be a miracle. When we got home, she told me to go change while she made me some tea. I did as I was told. She let me watch TV. I was pretty sure that I was going to be excused tomorrow because she said not to worry about my homework. It didn't really sink in until she told me over dinner. I kept my eyes on my plate. Maybe if I kept freaking her out, she'd take me back. Maybe she'd tell them that I added to her stress too much. I shook my head violently. She was way too nice for that, whether I liked it or not.

When I went to be that night, I felt really down. I was going to spend a whole day alone with nothing to do. I curled up under my blankets, staring at my dresser while trying to get warm. It wasn't working well. I had my sweatshirt on and socks. Maybe I really was getting sick. I sighed and turned over, staring at the blank wall in front of me. There was a little light from the glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling, but it wasn't enough. My heart pounded in my chest and I sat up suddenly, feeling like I might cry. The fear was creeping up on me again. I dropped my head onto my pillow, staring at the stars in panic. Eventually, I fell asleep to nightmares.

--

_With every step I take, I'm taking myself closer to them. The people. The ones who laugh and mock me. The ones who call me stupid and the ones who call me a whore. I know what awaits me and yet I keep walking. Everything around me is completely veiled with black nothingness. I can only hear my own footsteps. Can they really say what they do? _

_Suddenly, everything's white. It's blinding. It's completely silent and I feel so trapped. "Hello…?" My voice echoes through the space. My mind feels so crowded. I can remember everything I have done and everything that I want to do. "I want out!" I cry desperately. I'm scared, confused, dazed. Like a light that flickers, the white sputters and its black again. "I want out!" I scream, louder than before. It's so dark. And, despite those smarmy little voices, I know… I'm so alone…_

--

My eyes were glued to the TV. They had been for the past hour and a half. My ass was aching and my legs kept falling asleep, but there was no way I was moving. It was four in the morning now. Someone on the show I was watching laughed loudly and I flinched, reaching for the remote and muting the TV. It was too loud for me. It's not as dark as it was when I first got up, which makes me very happy. It's a better escape from my nightmares. It was a horrible night. They kept replaying like a scratched CD. I thought I was going to die of fear. Was that possible? There was no way that I was staying home today. I was going to school whether my mom liked it or not. At school, I'd be presented with distractions. Here, it was very boring.

When boredom finally got the best of me, I went upstairs to shower and get ready for school. My mom couldn't really argue if I had my mind set on going to school. She _didn't_ argue when she got up and saw me all ready to go. She didn't look happy, but let me go.

I was a bit surprised to see that only the blonde was at the bus stop today. I walked up and took my seat on the curb. "Hi," the blonde said from above me. "My name's Deidara, un."

He obviously expected me to reply with my name, so I obliged. "Hidan."

Deidara was delighted that I was talking to him. He sat down next to me and grinned. "You know…I'm not all that mad that you punched Sasori, un."

"You seemed like it at the time," I growled. My guard was up. He was Sasori's boyfriend – nothing good could come out of talking to him.

"Well…I kind of was then, un. But I was thinking about it and…it's been awhile since someone stood up to him," Deidara told me in an almost faraway voice. "Are you okay, un? I mean, he hits pretty hard…"

I glared at him. "Why do you care? You've never given me any notice until now. What are you planning?"

Deidara looked at me, a bit taken aback. "I'm not planning anything, un. I'm trying to be nice. I did notice you, it's just…my friends don't like you and they're always telling me what to do, un. I don't want to lose my friends, so I listen to them. I'm sorry for…for doing all those things to you, un. I really didn't mean any of it."

I kind of understood that. He was doing what was expected of him. I stared at him sadly. "Aren't friends supposed to protect you from peer pressure? I mean, not that I'd know…"

He smiled brightly at me. "My friends aren't really normal people, un. We're always pressuring each other into doing things. It used to be just for fun…and then we went into high school, un…"

"Everything changed, right?" I asked him with slight understanding. I wasn't really who I'd been…back there. I felt different. I looked different. I acted different. I was different now. "It's alright. I'm used to it."

Deidara's visible eye widened. "You're used to…to getting…taunted like that, un? How do you get used to that?"

I laughed dryly. "Well, I'm not really used to it. I just take it. I'm used to the feelings that accompany people's snide comments about me." I paused, thinking. "You know Kakuzu, right?" He nodded cautiously. "What's he like?"

"He's smart and sensitive and angry, un. He's antisocial and likes to hurt people's feelings because he thinks it's funny. The only person he's truly cared about was Sasori, un. And I…I came into the picture and ruined his chances. I feel bad for him, un. I think he could be really nice if he wanted, but he doesn't have a reason to be nice," Deidara explained, staring at me with a pleading eye. He looked so desperate, hopeful. But what could I do? I ducked my head and nodded slightly. He sounded familiar; like someone you saw in the mirror and refused to acknowledge, kind of familiar. I grunted and the black-haired teen showed up behind Deidara. The blonde tilted his head back and smiled up at him. "Hi, Itachi. How're you, un?" Itachi mumbled something and backed away. Deidara got up and went to stand by him. I stayed on the curb while everyone else but Sasori showed up. I stayed until the bus came into view.

I wanted to know Kakuzu now. I couldn't though. There was no way he'd ever want to talk to someone like me and besides that, I'd punched the one guy he'd ever fallen in love with. It's one of those, _damn, I should have thought before I did that, _moments. But since I hadn't figured out how to build a time machine yet, I couldn't fix it.

--

There's this feeling that I got sometimes. It was called loneliness. Sometimes I got it even when I was around people. You know what fueled it though? The fact that if you scream, no one even gives you a glance. You're invisible. You're silenced. You're nothing. No one gives a damn if you've just heard them talking about you; if you hear something that's supposed to be secret. Because, really, who's it going to hurt? Who are you going to tell?

--

I stared out my window, shivering despite how warm my mom made the house. My shivering had nothing to do with the cold. No, _they_ were back. Memories, images, _voices_ – they were all swimming in my head; _they_ wrapped around my every thought, consumed every crevice of my mind. And the voices were buzzing with excitement, chattering with new emotions. I cried. Now I had to start pretending again. I had to pretend I was okay when I had three other voices in my head besides my own. I had to pretend I was okay when I had overwhelming urges that I had to ignore. I had to pretend I was okay when all I wanted to do was hide. I wanted to lock myself away so the world was protected from me. But…_I was fine. _

I watched a star streak across the sky but didn't wish. What could I wish for that would be truly worth it? My sanity? Shouldn't it be something realistic? I buried my face in my hands and let out a silent sob. My mind was full of thoughts that swirled and danced as the voices continued to talk to me. The things they said were unbearable. "But they're _not real_," I whispered into the darkness. That's what people were always telling me. They _sounded _so real though. My words were wrapped into the shadows and they disappeared. Only I ever heard them.

I didn't remember ever lying down, but I must have cried myself to sleep eventually.

--

**Yeah, I'm finally giving more hints to why Hidan's so different. I mean, not that anyone would **_**really know**_** that he's got voices in his head but he knows they're there and it makes him seem different because of the way he acts because of it. Phew, what a run-on sentence, huh? Anyway, this story is just bursting with angst, no? It's the story I go to when I'm depressed or just want to write something depressing.**

**I hope this is longer. It's weird, it just started out as an idea that I built on and now I can't get the chapters as long or as well written as the first chapter. It makes me sad. Oh well, can't go back now. **

**Please review. **


	4. Four

**Afraid of the Dark**

**Four**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or characters thereof. Naruto was written and illustrated by Masashi Kishimoto.**

**--**

I woke up every night with a new fear. Had she heard that I'm out? If she hadn't, what would she do when did find out? Would she tell Deidara? Ah, Deidara…The boy in my dreams. The boy that haunted me every time I woke, trying to muffle a scream. The boy that would not leave me alone, no matter how hard I tried to shake him. It's like he knew something was wrong and he was going to sit there watching me until he found out what that something was. I didn't want him to know. The looks he gave me made me think that he was staring _into_ me. I'd have to hide because I was convinced that if he looked to long, he'd see who I really was. I _didn't_ want him to know. He'd be scared of me. He'd hate me…Just like everyone else I've come into contact with. The only people who were still by my side besides Deidara were my parents. But they didn't really know me and my dad didn't want me in the first place. He said that that "this was all just a big mistake…"

I didn't really mind. I agreed with him. I'd agreed with my birth parents when they'd sent me away, scared and sad. They'd made the right choice. Now I was creating a path of destruction behind me and slowly in front of me. Did I have anywhere else to turn? And with those stupid voices that whispered in my head…Every night when I woke with these new fears, I'd squeeze my eyes shut and try not to cry. I'd done it too often, I could almost hold my breath long enough to ebb away all the pain that clouded me. But then I'd need that next desperate breath and tears would start rolling down my cheeks. At that point though, I'd gotten pretty good at stopping the tears mid-flow. It was falling back to sleep after that, that I dreadfully needed to work on.

--

So, Deidara refused to talk to me in public. He was almost as bad as the cheerleaders except he was doing it for _me._ And I needed a friend – even if they were just there to stand and look pretty. I pretty much ignored him like always, only acknowledging his existence when he did so for me first. The horrible part about being alone right about now though, was that it was November. It was the time that people started thinking about Thanksgiving and what they were going to do with their friends and families and I was left to stand off to the side glaring at them all. I guess I was thankful that my current parents had kept me around for so long. I was also a bit grateful that I now had a waterproof coat because it was starting to snow. But that was about it.

I went to school each day listening to kids around me squeal about what they were doing for fall break. Every time I was reminded of that break, I panicked. That meant that I'd be all alone for two more days than necessary. Then Deidara would wave and I'd go back into my uncaring shell. I'd wander the halls and sit in classes, trying to come up with more things that I was thankful for. I came up with one more thing: Deidara. He was _nice _to me. It's like, even though he was looking for who I really was, he wasn't going to prod me anymore than "friendly" questions and I appreciated that. That thing was kind of in the middle of things that I was grateful for and things that I was absolutely ungrateful for. He was there because once he did see the real me, he'd turn away but he was nice to me now and that counted for something.

--

My mom was making Thanksgiving dinner alone.

I felt bad for her so I offered to help. Her answer was: "No, no! You don't have to worry about helping me. You just go and relax!" I tried to sneak in and help her but she basically kicked me out. I'd finally run out of care. The thing that bothered me though was all the screaming. I was sitting up in my room the day of Thanksgiving and my dad started yelling. Then my mom started yelling. Then there was crying. I think that's about the time that I put my headphones on and drowned out their shouting with hard rock/punk music. Their rough screams were better than my mom's angry cries. I didn't understand why they were doing this. It's not like I expected that life was sugarcoated – if anyone knew better, it was me. But I'd never thought that a holiday like this could bring so much hate out when everyone else talked about it bringing people closer together.

I needed a life-check. I obviously didn't know how to live.

--

"So, my mom flipped out because Kiki ate what was left and she started screaming about how we could have used the rest of the turkey, un!" Deidara squealed happily. We were sitting in the middle of his what he called the game room floor. I called it the basement and, another nice alternative, cold. He was attempting to paint his nails an ugly pink color – one that was so light, it wouldn't really show up. But he was shivering so much, he was making a mess. If I hadn't been shivering so much, I would have laughed at him. "Damn, I didn't think this would be so hard. Anyway, how's your weekend been, un?"

I stared at him for a moment, contemplating what to say. I feared for the worst of my small family, actually. I hated this American holiday – Thanksgiving my ass! "It was boring and pretty much uneventful. I've had more fun at school than I have so far," I told him, watching him smear nail polish over his ring finger. He swore and dove for the nail polish remover. "Who's Kiki?"

Deidara looked up at me, a little startled. "Um…the dog that mauled you when you walked in, un." He said it like I should already have known this. He rubbed a cotton ball soaked in nail polish remover over his now pink finger. "Ugh…I should've asked my mom for help." I gave him an odd look. "What?" he asked when he noticed my stare.

"Your mom's not only alright with you being gay, but she's encouraging you?" I questioned him, more confused than I'm sure I should have been.

"Oh," he muttered, looking back at his hand. "She doesn't care, un. She looks at me like I'm human and as normal as any other straight person. So when I ask her to do something like…paint my nails, she looks at it like it's the most normal thing ever, un. And I also think she likes the fact that she can talk to me and I understand where she's coming from – unlike my dad." He laughed. I just ducked my head. He was lucky. I stood abruptly, startling him. "Uh…Hidan?"

"I have to go home," I lied. I had no intention of going home right now. I just had to get away. He nodded and we said goodbye. I hurried up the stairs, stopping to thank his mom for the hospitality before sprinting out of the house. It was snowing. I stood at the end of the walkway and stared up into the grey skies. My heart leapt and I could feel the fear eat at me. It was going to become white. I shivered and dashed down the street, not having any idea where I wanted to go – just not somewhere familiar. It scared me that I wanted to see something abnormal, something I couldn't name. It meant that I was leaving my comfort bubble. And I didn't like that. But my feet wouldn't stop. I just kept running nowhere.

I stopped in front of a church. There weren't very many Christian churches in Japan, so for me to actually find one startled me. I guess deep down I knew I could find one anywhere. My last set of parents were Christian – they'd moved from America to Japan a few years back. They'd never dragged me to church or anything because they knew I didn't believe in God. But they were still annoying to the extreme. So uptight...

There was something about the stained-glass windows that I really admired though. I didn't enjoy the pictures or what I knew was behind those windows, yet I enjoyed seeing all those colors blend together to make one beautiful window that couldn't be recreated. Maybe that's what I needed in my room – a stained-glass window. I bet the colors would bring in a wonderful feel to my room. I sighed and looked at the sidewalk that was slowly getting wet from the snow that was melting as it touched it. I believed in something far more powerful than God. I believed in Jashin and hate. You have to hate to survive and that's what Jashin teaches.

I snapped back to reality. People were walking around talking to each other. A priest unlocked the doors to the church and then turned to me with an overwhelmingly kind look on his face. My stomach lurched. I turned away from him with a shake of my head. "I don't believe…" I told him softly. He opened one of the church doors.

"You don't have to," he replied and went inside. I walked away. What could love do for anybody? It only incited problems and…hate. I blew out my mouth, watching a small cloud form in front of my vision. I should've gone home but I didn't. I just kept walking. I knew that if I didn't turn around, go home, I'd probably end up lost. And I walked. I passed a park, watching little kids climb all over the equipment and chase each other around the field with their parents or guardians sitting nearby. To be so carefree must be fun. There were times when I thought back to being a kid and I'd wish that I could be one again. I'd wish that I could be so carefree. That I wouldn't know anything about anything again. Then I could sit and watch everyone else grow up. They could all deal with problems and whine about being an adult – how it's so hard.

I kept walking.

--

There's a line. It's drawn between white and black. People call it grey. I call it hope. If I flinch, if someone merely touched me, I'd fall into one or the other. The black is endless but at least you know what's coming when you get out of it. The white isn't so kind. It's endless. You could stare into it and never find an end. You could never even imagine what the end would look like. The thing they both have in common is that they trap you. End or not, I'll never find the way out if I fall into one of them. It's like a balance beam. But how long can I balance before the wind nudges me or something startles me? There's only so much time for me before I teeter and I'll fall.

I must make the best of my time.

--

"_You'll understand someday, alright?" she whispers kindly, patting my shoulder and looking into my eyes with her regretful ones. She never wanted me. I wasn't supposed to be and we both know that's the reason I'm going away. "Don't cry though." I don't even feel like I might. "Maybe someday, we'll collide and we'll see each other again. I can only imagine what kind of person you'll be in a few years." She struggles to keep a light voice but I still catch the resentment._

_"Okay, Mommy. I'll wait," I tell her. I mean that I can't wait to show her that I'm going to be the person that she never expected. "And you'll wait for me?" She nods and stands up. I frown. "Bye, Mommy…See you later." She smiles that fake smile, turns and walks away from me. I stand there for a minute, processing what's going on. _

_"Bye, Hidan. Be…good," he tells me and follows her away. My jaw quivers. _

_"I'll wait," I whisper, watching as they climb into their car and drive away, leaving me there with some lady I didn't know. I stood there, feeling really numb. Finally, I turn to the caretaker I'd been assigned. She smiles kindly at me and takes my hand, walking with me into the orphanage. _

_The scene melts; morphs. I almost forget what I'd been staring at seconds ago. Then I see a shadowed figure standing in front of a white backdrop. I can clearly tell it's a guy and he has his hand to his chin like he's thinking. His head turns. I see no eyes, just shadows. Yet I feel like he can see me – everything about me, inside and out. _

--

It was Monday when Deidara announced to me that we're "officially friends" today. But, "Shhh, it's a secret, un!" I wasn't opposed to this, really. Although, it intensified the fear I felt in my nightmares. We were being very quiet, never doing anything together where people could see us. It was like in those movies where there was a secret couple, someone had to tell eventually…oh, wait. That was Romeo and Juliet…The difference was, we were friends, not lovers. Still, there was a pretty big resemblance between the movie and our current situation. And, even like the movie, someone had to find out. Deidara accidentally slipped. He was tired and Sasori wouldn't leave him alone.

"I'm gunna go sit with him, un! I can sit with whoever I want, Sasori," the blonde was saying. I sighed.

"Deidara, it doesn't matter," I told him, just wanting to sit and eat. "Let him have his way. I don't mind sitting alone."

Deidara hesitated before saying, "No! Sasori can't take away my rights, un."

"What rights?! This isn't America!" Sasori cried, his face slowly turning the color of his hair. I decided that he'd be horrible in debate.

"I want to sit with Hidan because he's my friend, un. You're not going to stop me," Deidara declared firmly. His voice was so convincing, not even I would argue. And then I heard them. My fingers went numb and my tray hit the floor with a loud clack. Deidara turned to me with a worried expression. "Hidan? I'd been doing so well with ignoring those voices lately and now they were screaming. I was overwhelmed with their sinister words, things they wanted me to do…

I stared at Deidara, horrified and disgusted with myself. My body convulsed; I spun and ran. They hadn't really gone away – I could always hear them on some level – but I was scared to think why they'd been so loud just now. They laughed loudly and I wanted to scream. I wanted to hide. I wanted to be sane! I was so scared. I didn't feel like myself with all these urges prodding at me. I rushed outside and desperately inhaled the air. I shivered again. I'd left my jacket in my locker and it was starting to snow.

The voices dimmed to whispers and I bit my lower lip to keep from crying. "Hidan?" Deidara asked from behind me. "It's not really my business or anything but…do you hear them too, un? The voices, I mean, in your head…" He was kidding, making fun of me. I knew it. So I spun around angrily…and saw that Deidara looked sad, ashamed even. "Sasori doesn't know, un. I'm not really used to them – how _do _you get used to that? But I took two years of drama for this, un. If I let anyone know…" His eye widened. "I'd have to go back."

My jaw trembled. I wanted someone to confide in. Maybe it would make it better? The voices giggled in amusement and I squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn't tell him. He could be kidding; he could turn and laugh at me at any given moment. And, involuntarily, I muttered, "I just want to be sane…"

There was a muted silence – the cars going down the street by the school were quieted, the kids further down the courtyard seemed like they were whispering – as snow gently fell on and around us. "They tell me of death and dark places; what evil is like, un. They tell me stories of what it'd be like to kill my friends, to murder innocent kids in school. Sometimes, there's a quiet voice that tells me of peace and life; of good and love, un. I have to listen to her…or I might…I might hurt my friends…" I could see him shaking.

"They tell me sinister things and how to do them. They like to make me cry…" I trailed off. How could I say that I'd done horrible things without even thinking?! _How do you say that?! _

"Hidan…" Deidara hesitated, looking indecisive as he stared at me. "I won't tell anyone, un. No one will have any reason to put us away." His voice hit a high, shrill note. I got it. He wanted me to confirm that.

"They won't. We are the sanest people around." It was one of the biggest lies I'd ever told and Deidara knew it. Still, he nodded with a faint smile on his lips. My stomach flipped and my heart raced. Every part of me was screaming. They wouldn't have any reason to put us away…if I could hold it together.

--

**A/N: I don't believe in God, just so you know. I don't really know where that scene with the cathedral came from. It was late and I just finished watching some dumb documentary that I couldn't stop watching. So, no, Hidan's not going to be converted or anything. That scene just seemed…I don't know, powerful, I guess and that's why I kept it. But, like I said, I don't believe in God.**

**Sorry it's such a short chapter. I hope you still like it anyway. Please review.**


	5. Five

**Afraid of the Dark**

**Five**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or characters thereof. Naruto was written and illustrated by Masashi Kishimoto.**

--

_She screamed. I could feel my heart pound harder and faster. I wanted more. But I wanted her to stop struggling too. She cried. I grinned and continued. I was going to finish this. That's what she wanted – if she didn't want this, she'd be quiet, right? Her every movement, every sound, made me want more. If only she'd stop moving…_

--

I whimpered and curled into a ball, staring at the wall. _Make them stop! _I thought pathetically. They were always behind my eyes, waiting for me to feel confident so they could scare me again. I didn't want to see my mistakes! Tears ran down my face and my heart sped up for a moment as I blinked. These were far worse than my dark nightmares. I'd take my horrid dreams over the images any night.

The voices laughed and chattered, whispering things in my head. There was no other noise to drown them out, so I listened. They were talking about Deidara. They said it'd be easy to get him alone, get him to do what I wanted. I _wanted _to scream. I felt sick. I threw my blankets off of me and jumped out of my bed. I sprinted down the hall, stairs and out the back door. I looked up at the sky with tears in my eyes. And I let out the loudest scream I could. It felt so good. I let out all the frustration and fear and when I was done screaming, I sat down on the steps and cried. I cried out all my worries and anger. And when I would breathe again, I felt a bit better. I wasn't as heavy.

Deidara was so lucky. He had one voice that kept him under control. I didn't have a voice like that. It was just me against the three dark voices in my head. I was slowly losing control. How much longer before I stopped making my own choices? When would I stop thinking for myself? I'd not only expose myself, but I'd let loose Deidara's secret. I didn't want to do that. And I couldn't do a thing. It was the inevitable.

--

"Aw! Thanks so much! Merry Christmas!"

"This is so sweet of you!"

She passed a gift and he passed a gift.

"You didn't have to! Thank-you _so _much!"

"Oh, wow! Dude, this is awesome!"

I was in the danger-zone. I was in the middle of a crowd of teenagers who were passing gifts and squealing in pleasure. I just stood there, feeling lost. This wasn't my element. You'd think that because I've been here "long enough", I'd have friends who would be handing me neatly wrapped gifts with these silly grins on their faces. You'd think wrong. I hadn't seen Deidara yet, so I wasn't quiet sure if he was going to be nice or ignore me like everyone else. I was kind of in a "ba hum bug" kind of mood now. I sighed in frustration and started pushing through the crowd. Teens were unwrapping presents all around me and I felt like crying. My heart thudded painfully in my chest.

"I found you, un!" Deidara cried, squeezing from the crowed to stand in front of me. He was holding a neatly wrapped package, bigger in length rather than height. I started at it in confusion as he extended it. "It's the holidays, you know? So I thought I'd get you something, un. I wasn't quite sure what you'd like, so I guessed."

I smiled at him before taking the package. After a few seconds of hesitating, I tore the colorful wrapping paper off to reveal a wide drawing pad. I used to draw a lot, I loved it. It wasn't until I'd taken art and the teacher had told me that I wasn't as good as I'd thought, that I'd stopped. But maybe I'd gotten better over time. There was a package of drawing pencils and a package of colored pencils taped to the pad. I cautiously ran my fingertips over the pencils and they quietly clinked together. I looked up at Deidara with a sincere smile. "Thanks." I suddenly remembered what I'd been planning this morning and started going through an outside pocket. After sifting through candy wrappers, I finally pulled out a candy-cane with a ribbon tied to it. "It seems pathetic, but here. Happy Holidays."

He grinned and Sasori – whom I hadn't seen show up – scowled. "Thanks! I don't blame you, un." I didn't even wonder what he'd meant by that. He waved, opened the candy-cane and started sucking on it as he walked away with his boyfriend following with a lustful smile on his face. Then I remember what the stupid American holiday really did to people. The boys did dumb things to please their girlfriends so they could get what they _really _wanted and the girls pulled puppy-dog pouts on their boyfriends so they could get the material things that they wanted.

I went to my locker and shoved the drawing pad into it before going to my first period glumly.

--

"_Santa, baby, I've been an awful good girl…_"

I cringed. Oh, yes; I should have expected this. The school did this so that the drugees couldn't sluff. My first period teacher had dismissed us five minutes earlier than usual so we could go to the "holiday" assembly. Holiday my ass. "Holiday" implied that there was cultural diversity but the first thing the choir had sung was some retarded song about Jesus being born. Damn Christians, go back to America! Now the sophomore student body officers were doing some poorly choreographed dance-skit thing that didn't make any sense. The freshmen had sucked, but at least I understood it.

The song ended and the teens cleaned up, prancing off the stage. A senior SBO walked out looking confused and introduced the dance company. I scowled and moved loser to the edge of my seat – preparing to make a run for it if necessary – as the dance company girls trotted out with smug grins on their faces. About halfway through their dance, a girl with blue hair in the back slipped and fell. Several kids broke out laughing but I actually felt bad for her. After a few seconds, she jumped back up and started dancing again like nothing had happened. I watched the rest of their dance and then got up and left. I went around back toward the drama room because it was quiet there. I passed the stage door where I saw the blue-haired girl sobbing into what I assumed was her boyfriend. She kept saying that she'd wrecked the whole dance. I almost stopped to say that it'd been fine but I thought she might take a hit to her self-esteem for it. Besides, her boyfriend was doing fine.

I went into the drama room and leaned against a wall, sliding to the ground. It was _quiet_. I immediately became alert. When things went too quiet, something was always wrong. I held my breath, waiting. "There he is," someone cried in irritation and I jumped. I looked at the door where Sasori was standing, leaning against the frame. Deidara was walking in with the orange-masked boy and someone else that I didn't really recognize. "Hey, idiot, what're you doing in here?"

"I was trying to get away from the stupidity of the idiot brigade on stage," I told him rudely. I didn't like Sasori at all. He had a certain air around him…One that said, "I'm an asshole". He was so arrogant! I huffed and looked out the window at the snow that dumping from the sky. At this point, it looked like a sheet was concealing the window. I felt the claustrophobia wrap around me as I blinked and stared at the ground instead. "What do you want?" Sasori shook his head, Deidara opened his mouth to speak and the orange-masked boy stepped forward but none of them had a chance to say anything before I sprang from the ground, staring directly behind them. _She _stood there, crying. I felt the pain stab at me and my stomach churned. I ran from them. They were blocking the way into the halls so I had to find a new way out. I went to the back door and hurried outside, almost falling after slipping on some black ice.

I needed a drug so that I could forget everything that's happened and that was happening. Wasn't that what the drugees used them for?

--

My algebra teacher gave us "Christmas Math". I was livid. He handed me the worksheet and I almost ripped him a new one. It took forever to get all the worksheets done and I only finished four out of the five. When the bell finally rang though, I was so grateful. But then Kakuzu stopped me. I looked – no, I glared at him. His eyes reflected amusement. He handed me a small, colorful package. I hesitated, not sure if he was kidding or not. "Come on, idiot. It's not a bomb," he scoffed, extending the package a little bit more. I carefully took it, smiling cautiously. _Not too close, not too close,_ I thought in panic. I unwrapped it and then smiled broadly as I got the joke. A rubrics cube.

"Merry Christmas!" Deidara shouted from next to us, making us both jump. He wasn't in our class so I figured that he'd hurried as fast as he could here just for this express purpose. Mistletoe. It was the plant that I hated almost as much as pine trees. I gave him the dirtiest look I could manage. My patience had already been lowered to a dangerous level at the beginning of class; Deidara was really pushing his luck. He laughed and waved the mistletoe above mine and Kakuzu's heads. Kids stopped and started cheering.

They were expecting the full on, mouth to mouth kind of mistletoe kiss. And like hell I'd give them that satisfaction. I had a better idea. I smiled maliciously and looked at Kakuzu. He instantly became wary. I leaned in and kissed him with his mask still on. I could feel him smile beneath his mask. Cheers turned to whining as I pulled away, shrugged and walked out. Maybe this Christmas stuff wasn't half bad.

--

Why was the dark so intimidating tonight? I rolled over, staring at my dresser. My room was black and I could only see shadows of objects. My mom and dad chattered away downstairs, trying to be sneaky. That's why they wanted my door shut tonight – "No matter what". It was Christmas Eve and I was scared. I finally slipped from my bed and went to my closet. I yanked open the door and flicked on the light. After looking around the small space, I turned and went back to my bed. The patch of yellow light illuminated my room perfectly. I held onto my torso tightly, so afraid. I felt like I was going to start breaking. I was going to fall apart soon – limb by limb, my body would be no more.

My eyes flew open and I gasped desperately. My closet light was off and the door shut. The house was silent. I crawled to the end of my bed and peeked out. It was snowing. I cried. I could hear _her _sobs surround me but I chose to ignore it. It wasn't my mistake. It was… "Merry Christmas, honey!" my mom cried, flinging open my door and making me jump. "Come on, sweetie." She beckoned for me to follow her downstairs so I did. There were several presents under the tree, just enough for the three of us. I smiled sadly. I'd forgotten to get my parents something for Christmas. My dad shoved a present into my hands and I started unwrapping it. And this was my Christmas morning – opening the presents that my parents got me and watching the gifts that they'd given each other.

--

I sat on the edge of my bed, idly fiddling with the new DS I'd gotten. My mind was somewhere far away from the game-boy, though. I was thinking so far back, my head started hurting. Or maybe it was hurting because the memories I was trying to look at weren't exactly my own. There was a screech in the back of my head – one that was so loud, it vibrated through my head and made me cringe. I dropped the game system as another screech sounded. "Augh!" I knew _her_ voice though. _She'd_ screamed just like that over a year ago.

My head was throbbing when the screaming stopped. Everything was too quiet. My breathing was ragged. I stood, throwing open my curtains and then turned around before I could stare too long at the snow. I was shaking. _But it's not happening now. It happened so long ago, I should be over it. _Was she over it? I dropped my fist onto my desk, startling myself. I growled deeply in the back of my throat. I was sick of this. I needed closure or something. I needed to let it all go and I needed to hide. No, the _world_ needed me to hide. I wrapped my arms around my torso as I, again, started feeling like I was breaking.

Maybe they needed to take me back. Something was wrong again. It'd be safer for me and everyone around me if I just vanished. I needed to be chained up. I needed to be locked away. Yes, that's what I really need. _All I want for Christmas is…_ I went over to my DS and pulled a game off of my desk, shoving it into the system. I clicked it on and started half-heartedly playing it. _…A lock that no one can break in a room that I can't escape from. But it should be blue, not white…_

--

"Did you have a good break?" Deidara asked as he sat next to Sasori on the bus seat across from me. I nodded, not trusting myself to say anything to him. He smiled hesitantly, he could see that I was everything but okay and I knew it. "What's up, un?" I shook my head and stared out the window. I heard him huff before his boyfriend occupied his attention. He was in my dreams again last night. Not in the romantic way that I know you're thinking of. In a nightmare way. I didn't want to face him. I was scared that my dreams would come true and I didn't want that. My jaw tightened as we went through the route. When we finally arrived at the school, I almost didn't get off the bus. I didn't want to get up, didn't want to go into that crowded building. But I did anyway.

My English teacher stopped talking to us in Japanese when we pissed her off too badly. She'd start speaking in English, French, German, Chinese…She knew a lot of different swear words. I'd have to ask her to teach me those personally. My algebra teacher was being a crappy old ass – as per usual. "Remember the 'is over of' formula," he grumbled as he passed out our tests. Yes, we go back to school and the first thing he does is give us a test. That's just the kind of guy he is. "And the process as you work out the bigger problems. If there is no work shown, I will automatically assume that it's wrong." Half the class started bitching about it being unfair. I didn't really know why they were so upset about it. It wasn't like he really corrected the answers anyway. The test was probably straight out of the book too. I got my test and saw that all the problem numbers were odd. Lazy bastard. He'd probably make us check our own tests, too.

I started on mine, focusing only on the problems. It took longer than I'd wanted because the voices were distracting. When I was done, I sat there thinking up names for the voices. I was getting kind of tired of referring to them as "the voices" when they all sounded different. They deserved names. I pulled out a notebook from my backpack and started doodling while I thought about the names.

The loud one was Sky. I wrote his name down on the paper by a skull. He enjoyed death and blood. He liked to torture, too – naturally. The quieter one was Jay. I wrote his name down next to a picture of a moon. He liked the dark and trapping people so he could rip them apart slowly. He enjoyed slow deaths. The last one was Kristopher. I wrote his name down by a drawing of a moon with a skull inside it. He was a combination of the others. He was the worst. I shivered slightly at his incentives. They were scarier now that they had names.

"Nice drawings," Kakuzu whispered from next to me, making me flinch slightly. I threw him a brief, small smile and went back to doodling. "I like the names, too. Did you come up with them or are they people you know?" He looked at the page curiously. _Not so close, _I thought urgently but didn't say anything.

_Both, actually now that I think about it…_ I thought, wondering if Christmas had given him a change of heart or something. "They're people I know. They go to...my old school," I told him hesitantly. _They _piped up. _They_ whispered, chattered, giggled, and enjoyed making me squirm. I was telling the truth…for the most part.

"Oh," he muttered, sounding almost disappointed. I continued to doodle, wanting something – anything – to drown out those voices. Those wicked, cruel voices. _They _weren't talking about Deidara now – no, _they _wanted a challenge: Kakuzu. My heart pounded louder and I felt sick. I was getting scared. I was tired of feeling so scared and…and _insane._

My hand shot up, startling Kakuzu. My teacher looked at me with one eyebrow raised. "May I go to the restroom please?" My voice sounded strained my ears. He sighed and nodded. I tried to slow myself down, though my body was trying to move in fast forward like I was on speed or something. I wished there was noise outside my head, something to calm the roaring in my mind.

"Hey." Everything froze. The voices suddenly went quiet except for a single snicker from Kristopher. I silently turned to face _her_. What did she want? _No one was there. _My eyes widened. Footsteps echoed from down the hall where someone went into a classroom; the door clicking shut sounded so loud. My knees felt weak and my stomach dropped. My vision went white. I was scared now, really and truly scared.

_"You're not quite alone, Hidan," _Kristopher whispered, his voice dripping with venom. It was the first time any of them had truly addressed me. _"We're here. We won't leave." _My knees gave and I dropped into a heap on the ground. I was so pathetic. Jay and Sky laughed. I squeezed my eyes shut and desperately wished someone would find me – save me. Yes; someone should save me…from myself.

--

**A/N: Yes, I am aware that I just recently updated. But I wanted to get the Christmas crap out of the way before the holiday passed. So now, I can fall back into my regular pattern of not updating until I really feel like it. XD **

**I hope you liked it. Please review.**

**Oh, and Happy Holidays!**


	6. Six

**Afraid of the Dark**

**Six**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or characters thereof. Naruto was written and illustrated by Masashi Kishimoto.**

--

I could hear someone walking up to me but I didn't open my eyes. I even refused when I heard Kakuzu's voice whisper, "Hidan?" from down the hall. No, I only squeezed them shut tighter. I was scared and he probably thought I looked so pathetic – lying there in the fetal position. "Hidan, are you okay?" he asked quietly, almost kindly. I didn't answer. I couldn't feel my voice because it wasn't there. I'd scare him if I said anything. I bit my lower lip – hard.

I heard someone else walk up and, in an alarmed voice, cried, "Hidan?!"

And then I wasn't there anymore. No, I was chained up in the back of my head while Kristopher took control. My eyes opened without my consent and my mouth moved to say, "Calm down, Deidara. I'm fine, Kakuzu." Deidara sighed in relief and I started to panic. Didn't he hear that it wasn't my voice?! The me in the back of my head started thrashing, frantic.

"What the hell were you thinking, idiot?!" Kakuzu snapped. The fear was overwhelming. Where exactly was I? Those thoughts that ran through my head were _not _my own. I wasn't in control and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. It never ceased to amaze me how scared I got when it happened. It took a few moments for me to calm down and really come to terms with what was happening. It was that time. The time when I stopped thinking for myself again. So, when I finally accepted this, I calmed down, relaxing into my restraints. I closed my eyes and begged that Kakuzu and Deidara would be okay when I woke.

--

"You do this just to see if you can piss me off, don't you, Courtney?" my history teacher teased in a strained voice in which he laughed off. _World civics? I'm in world civics? _I let out a huge sigh of relief and checked my watch. Only ten minutes before this class got out. Kakuzu and Deidara must be okay then. At least, I hoped they were. I tried to pay attention for the last ten minutes but I had no idea what he was talking about so I started doodling again. I felt a strange sense of déjà vu. I hated this. I hated feeling like I didn't know what was going on. It made me feel disoriented, dazed, and I despised feeling that constantly.

"Hidan?" the teacher called, snapping me back to. I looked up to see him hovering over me. The orange-masked kid snickered. "Do you have any idea what we've been talking about for the last, oh, 45-50 minutes?" I swallowed hard and shook my head. He sighed in irritation and went back to the front of the room. "Good thing you've got that homework buddy, huh?" My frown deepened. _Homework buddy? He'd been serious? _Well, crap – I didn't have one. It looked like I'd be failing world civics. The bell rang and I ran out of the room as fast as I could, trying to escape the claustrophobic feeling that had suddenly overwhelmed me.

"Hey, dick!" someone called, grabbing my arm. I turned – really pissed – to see the orange-masked idiot. "So I talked to Deidara and you'll never believe what he told me." My heart skidded to a stop and then picked back up at an alarmingly fast pace. Oh no.

--

I dreamt I was in a mirrored room. Everywhere I looked, all I saw was _her_ in the reflection. I wandered around, looked into every mirror and _she_ was all I saw. Her face was twisted into that same mask of horror that I'd seen so long ago. The thing that I think scared me the most was that it was completely silent. The last time I'd seen her, the only thing I'd heard was her screaming voice. I finally stopped in front of a mirror and just stared into her wide, coppery eyes. Her mouth was open like she was screaming and her hands were pressed up against the glass. I glanced down at one of my own hands and then lifted it, gently placing it on the glass over hers. She curled her fingers behind the glass, pulled her arm back and pounded her fist against the mirror.

Every mirror in the room shattered at the exact same moment and I cringed, trying to shield myself from the flying shards with my arms. Glass sliced my skin, tattered my clothes. I let out a sharp hiss and waited for the noise to die down. When everything was completely silent, I straightened. Tiny shards slid off my shoulders and landed on the ground with slight jingling sounds as they collided with the other shards. And as I stared in front of me, I found that there was a new mirror, taking the place of the shattered one that had been there moments ago. My reflection looked more like me this time but a lot like Death too. My face was black with white making it look like my skeleton was showing through. The reflection showed my tattered clothes and under them, I could see that same black and white skin.

I backed away, startled with the sudden truth that struck me as I stared into that mirror. My reflection self opened his mouth and he whispered, "Monster." I took a few more steps back and then turned, fleeing from the horror that was myself. I tried to get through the mirror maze but couldn't find the exit. In every mirror, there was me, looking like Death. And every time I saw them, they whispered that same word: Monster. Finally, scared that I might never find my way out, I went up to a mirror and stared at the image before me. Death me stared back, my eyes nothing but hollow, red orbs. I reached up with one hand, almost afraid that I'd be able to touch my face. When all I felt under my skin was glass, I curled my fingers into a fist and I hit the mirror.

All the mirrors broke simultaneously. I looked down at my skin as glass flew at me from every direction. I expected to see blood oozing from my hand but instead was horrified to see my skin completely black except for what looked like bones jutting from that black. I looked at my other hand and it showed the same. Beyond scared, I snapped my head up to see my reflection. And indeed, this time what I saw really and truly was me. I opened my mouth to scream but no sound escaped my lips.

--

I lay in my bed, staring at my glow-in-the-dark stars like I had the first night I'd spent here. I had those same feelings floating through me again but with the strong sentiment of fear and this time. I sighed shakily. I was so afraid of myself. Hesitantly, I sat up and glanced around the room. Shadows hovered against every wall and clung to the carpet. I felt like my heart was twisting and pounding in fear. My mind reeled and I felt my breathing fall into that familiar uneven pattern. Tears slid down my cheeks and I spun harshly. My spine jerked awkwardly and my skin tucked under my ribcage, earning a pained gasp from my vocal cords. I pulled back my right arm, tightening my hand into a fist. Angrily, I threw my fist into my pillow.

My bed squawked beneath me as I yanked my arm back again, getting ready to punch my pillow again. And I paused. I stared down at my pillow and relaxed my arm, slowly losing my anger. Hopelessness replaced the violent emotion. I let myself fall face first into my pillow, overwhelmed with the usual feeling of defeat. My body ached from being in an awkward position so I twisted my legs out from under me and lay on my stomach. I turned my head and stared at my clock, not really seeing the numbers they showed. I had defeated myself. I rubbed the tears off my face and slowly closed my eyes, letting sleep overtake me.

I was starting to think that maybe sleeping forever would be fun. You could dream for eternity and no one could ever wake you; you'd be lost in your own made up world where everything that happened could be undone and redone. It would be peaceful. It would be perfect. And it would be a life I'd love to live. But in reality, everything that happened couldn't be undone and redone. I forced my eyes open and almost screamed when I thought I saw two eyes staring back at me. My whole body jerked away from the image. I blinked and I was alone again.

I threw the blankets off of me, jumped out of bed and urgently flicked on my bedroom light. All the shadows melted away and I could see my room clearly again. I felt like I'd realized something important and it took all I had to keep myself from throwing things off my shelves and off my desk. I just stood there, shaking violently as I tried to get my anger under control again. None of this was mine. I was barely my own. I held my breath and closed my eyes, trying to ignore the burning emotion that scorched my insides. When I was calm, l dropped to my knees and stared at all those things that I could never claim as my own.

Carefully, I stood, wandered into my closet, turned on the light and shut the door. I went into the back and pressed myself up against the wall, letting myself drop to the ground. I stared at the door, feeling hollow. I think I was there all night. I wasn't thinking and I swear I was barely breathing. I wanted to vanish so badly. I just wanted to disappear. I wanted to be in a place where no one could find me and a place that I could never leave, no matter how hard I tried. My limbs went numb sometime durning the night after they fell asleep. It took awhile for me to realize what was going on.

Kristopher was staring at me. I opened my mouth, a bit startled to see him outside my head. He was tall and slender; his hair was golden brown and his eyes were burgundy. He wore loose clothes that looked simple and didn't seem to fit who he was. Overall, he looked completely normal and not someone I expected to see in my head. He smiled at me, an understanding smile, as he extended his hand. I reached up and took it cautiously. He tugged me to my feet and whispered, "_I'm sorry you're so scared of me, Hidan. I wish you could grasp my reasoning. We're here to help you._"

Sky and Jay stood next to him, smiling hesitantly at me. Sky was just a bit shorter than Kristopher with a slightly bulkier build. His hair was oily black and his eyes were a deep brown that bordered on black. He wore tighter clothes that showed off his muscles – probably the effect he was going for – and he looked generally unfriendly. Jay was shorter than Sky and he was pretty slight. He looked quiet, like he'd hide every secret he heard and no one would ever be able to pry them out of him. His hair was a creamy blonde color and his eyes were bright green; they were eyes that you would look into and believe that he was trustworthy when he really wasn't.

"_Whatever people have told you, you shouldn't heed. They don't know what they're talking about. They don't know us…_" Sky told me. "_They're not you._" I nodded. I got that. As soon as you were born, people started telling you that you were special because there was no one like you. And as I grew up, I stopped believing that for awhile. But when I turned 13, I knew that no one could be like me at that point. "_If you listen to us, you'll be able to stay away from That Place. You'll be safe._"

Kristopher tightened his grip on my hand a little. "_Trust us. We only want to help you._" I swallowed and glanced down at his pale hand. And I realized that everything I'd disregarded earlier – when people were trying to fix me – actually existed, that they really were real. I looked back up at him and stared into his burgundy eyes. He smiled in that odd way, in that way that meant he had heard my thoughts. "_Since you were 13, people have looked down on you when you started talking to yourself. But they were wrong to do that. I'm surprised that they had the guts to do that. Everyone has two sides to them, you're just even better than them because you have four parts to you._" His smile wavered.

"_Hidan, you're not thinking like us,_" Jay whispered, his voice soft and convincing as he stared at me. I felt like I was going to get lost in those bright green orbs. "_Everyone is different, yes. But in a way, that makes them all the same. You can fit in with everyone else if you have that in mind. You're just like them. It might take a little work for you to blend in but all you have to do for starters is know that there's nothing wrong with you._" He pauses, seeming indecisive. "_The reason they all look at you oddly is that you believe you're different. You need to stop that._" His voice hit a sharp note and I instantly felt like I was in his control. It was almost scary.

"Where were you on my first day?" I asked softly, jokingly. They smiled back knowingly. Kristopher let go of my hand and mouthed something I didn't quite catch. I blinked and the door was in front of me, no one else was in my closet with me. I looked at my bare feet and smiled with new confidence in my hand. This was the key to being alright. I could keep my secret and Deidara's secret. I could have my life back.

"Hidan! Time to get ready for school! Why aren't you up yet? You're usually up by now…" I heard my bedroom door open and someone walk in. I was sure it was my mombecause she'd been the one calling for me. "Hidan…?" I opened my closet door and peeked out. She turned around and stared at me curiously. "What are you doing in there? Did you sleep at all last night? You look exhausted." I smiled at her.

"I slept a little but I'll be fine. Give me a minute to get dressed and I'll be down," I told her convincingly. I felt like I'd gained Jay's ability of control. She returned my smile and left my room, closing my door behind her. I chose an outfit and got dressed hurriedly. After breakfast, I was out the door instantly. I was the first to arrive at the bus stop. I stared out at the deserted street, feeling happy. It didn't take long before Deidara and Sasori showed up. Sasori was scowling at me but Deidara was pretty happy until he saw me and then he looked uncertain. "Hey," I greeted quietly.

Deidara walked up next to me and stared at me curiously. "Hey. You look unusually happy today, un. What's up?" He didn't lose his smile but I could tell he seemed nervous. Maybe he thought that he thought that I'd had a breakdown and I had finally lost the rest of my sanity.

"It's supposed to rain today and rainy days are usually good for me," I told him with a lopsided grin. "I guess it got me all excited." He nodded, still seeming unsure but he also seemed like he was relieved that I wasn't so down. I hadn't felt like this is so long. It almost felt out of place in me but I held onto that feeling with all I had. In my head, Jay nodded approvingly.

"Well, whatever the reason, I'm glad that you're happy, un," Deidara stated with a big smile on his face. I wondered what today was going to be like now that I felt different. So far, it was like a haze had left my vision and now I could see things a bit clearer. For a minute, I was almost a little shaken up; afraid that maybe I really had lost the rest of my sanity. But a reassuring feeling washed over me and I was instantly calm again. The bus arrived and screeched to a stop in front of me. The door swung open and I climbed on, walking to the middle of the bus. Deidara passed me and waved cheerfully. When I got to school, I hurried to my locker and was surprised when it opened with ease.

My heart skipped a beat and I suddenly knew that this wasn't going to last. Something was going to go wrong and then today would only be a wistful memory. I sighed and gathered my things, barely hanging onto that last shred of happiness that Kristopher dangled in front of my face. I wasn't quite sure what happened in English because I wasn't really paying attention. When I got to math, I was a little surprised. I wandered to my desk and sat down, a bit confused. It wasn't until Kakuzu waltzed in a few minutes later that I unexpectedly felt happy again. All my confusion vanished. I blinked and looked next to me as he sat down carelessly. I muttered a greeting and he turned his head to stare at me. He nodded, seeming confused.

Moments after the final bell rang, the teacher started his lesson and gave us our assignment. I began working and was almost done when a note slipped onto my book. I stared at it for a moment before I set down my pencil and unfolded it carefully. And I read, in a slightly neat scrawl, _Are you okay??? _I couldn't help but smile. So that's what I was going to get all day? I scribbled on my response (_Yeah. It's a rainy day, good day) _and slipped it onto his desk. I finished another problem and then received the note again. _Okay, sorry. It startled me. You looked really…not you today. But I'm glad you're having a good day. : ) _I glanced at him, bewildered. He was finishing another problem so he didn't seem to notice my stare.

Glancing back at the note, I finally decided what I'd say back. _I'm glad too. :D And you seem pretty lighthearted today… _I slid the note onto his desk. There was a rustling noise and I heard a slight chuckle from beside me. I worked hard to concentrate on the next problem. My mind kept wandering though and eventually I just pretended that I was thinking about math. The note dropped onto my paper and I greedily opened it. _I am, actually. My parents finally got that divorce finalized and I'm home-free. I'm feeling pretty giddy. But I was starting to think…maybe you'd like to go do something with me sometime? Just to get to know each other, you know? _I felt my lips part, my jaw slowly relaxing so that it was falling open. The bell rang, startling me. I jumped in my seat and quickly folded the note, shoving it into my back pocket as I stood and gathered my things.

"So?" I looked up at Kakuzu. His bright green eyes seemed to flicker with something that I'm not so sure I'd ever seen before. For a stunning moment, my heart thudded to an abrupt halt. His eyes looked exactly like Jay's. I forced myself to breath again and decided that it was just coincidence.

"Yeah, sure. It sounds like fun," I replied as casually as I could while trying to catch my breath and restart my heart. It picked back up at a painfully fast pace. He reached down and snatched my notebook before I could put it away. He pulled a pen out of his backpack and scribbled something onto a blank piece of paper – or what I hoped had been blank. When the notebook had been successfully returned, he clicked his pen and walked away. I glanced down at my notebook as I picked it up. His number was written on it. I smiled and shoved the notebook into my backpack after ripping the page out. He was good.

--

Lunch rolled around and I found myself massaging my shoulder as I wandered into a lunch line. There was only one physical activity that I really sucked at and that was basketball. I wasn't fond of the other sports but I could at least play them. Our teacher had cut us a break and had made us all play basketball. Kids here were vicious. When I had my food, I went to my usual empty table and sat down. After a few bites, I lost my appetite. It didn't have much to do with the food – although that was pretty nasty in itself – but more to do with my nerves. I felt sick. I looked at my hands as they shook visibly. What if I screwed this up? Kakuzu must have thought that I was normal on some level or else he wouldn't have been talking to me at all. Someone looked at me like they looked at everyone else and I was afraid that I'd mess that up for myself.

I looked up and Kristopher, Jay and Sky all sat at the table. I let out a yelp of surprise and jumped up. People stared at me. Kristopher, Jay and Sky all vanished. I picked up my garbage and threw it away. I returned to my table to get my backpack but then I fled from the lunchroom. I passed Kakuzu and his friends. I saw him stare at me, that strange flicker gone. I felt his eyes on me as I ran to my locker. No, I had been right. I couldn't suddenly just be alright like someone could snap their fingers. I was haunted and I couldn't escape _them_. I slammed my hand onto my locker and rested my head against the cool metal. When I could stand in darkness so thick that I couldn't see my own hand in front of my face, I would conquer my fear. When I could walk into the sun and not be surrounded by shadows, I would be alright.

_For now…_ I looked down at the tile and sighed. _…I'm scared and messed up._ The only thing I could hold onto that wouldn't leave at all was a tiny shred of hope that someday I'd be cured. And maybe someday I really would be. I pushed away from my locker and stumbled back until I was standing in the middle of the empty hallway. "_You need to stop that,_" Jay hissed inside my head. The bell rang and I found myself melting into the crowd as I wandered to my next class. Right now, I needed to at least pretend that nothing was wrong with me.

--

For the record, all the orange-masked idiot knew was that Deidara and I were friends and he didn't like it. He hits hard. Orange-masked asshole kept staring at me after that and deep down I knew he was actually glaring. But he didn't know anything. He didn't know what was really going on behind my own mask. So he could act like an asshole just like his friends – big deal. I hoped that something would go horribly wrong for him. He needed to know what it was like to be really and truly scared. As for me? I just needed to keep calm and pretend that what he had said hadn't bothered me.

That's what my life was about anyway…Pretending.

--

**A/N: Sorry it's taken me so long to update. I hope you haven't given up on me yet. I also feel like Kakuzu's spontaneous act was a bit fast but I wasn't getting anywhere with the two and it was starting to bother me a bit. Anyway, I hope that you guys haven't given up on me yet. **

**Please review?  
**


	7. Seven

**Afraid of the Dark**

**Seven**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or characters thereof. Naruto was written and illustrated by Masashi Kishimoto. I also don't own a DS nor did I invent it...  
**

--

I stared at my food, stabbing things with my fork and not eating. My parents talked, oblivious to me. It was almost painful to realize that they were intentionally ignoring me. The day's events replayed in my head, over and over until I thought I was going to rip my head open and tear the memories from it. I stopped playing with my food when I got too caught up in my thoughts. I'd texted Kakuzu my number and he'd asked if I wanted to do something on Friday. Now it was all up to what I could tell him. I could tell the truth while lying, right?

"Hidan, are you alright?" my mom's voice snapped me back to reality. I looked up at my parents, a bit surprised that they'd finally noticed me. They stared back anxiously. I nodded and looked back at my food. I set my fork down and sighed. "What's going on, hon?"

I kept my eyes on my plate while I thought about what to say. "I'm just tired. I've been having nightmares again…" I told them at last, glancing up briefly to see their expressions. They looked understanding, rather than concerned or anything remotely close to that. "Hey, mom?" I asked quietly, feeling the blush creep up on me already. "Is it okay if I go out this Friday?" My parents were quick to catch on and they approved hastily. I wondered what they thought my date would be like. I couldn't help but smile at the thought.

I finally got out of eating and hurried upstairs. I sat on my bed and started playing my DS, fiddling with things that I wasn't familiar with yet. I doodled on the PictoChat and made my character run in circles for about five minutes. I was in the middle of making my character run into a wall for the sixth time when the doorbell rang. With an excuse to stop hiding out in my room, I saved the game, made my character run into the wall for the last time and turned off the power. I put my DS down and went to the stairs. My mom was talking to Deidara who stood in the doorway, looking bored. "Oh, hey, Hidan!" he called when he saw me. My mom turned and grudgingly let him in.

I motioned for him to come up the stairs and follow me. He practically ran up the stairs, eager to get away from my mom. When we were in my room, I looked at him, stunned. "How did you find out where I lived?" I asked incredulously.

"Oh, I looked in my stalker book, un!" he chirped, pulling the school handbook out of his backpack. "And I was a little surprised to find out that you live, like, right around the corner from my place…"

I took the handbook from him and turned to the back where the directory was. I flipped through the pages, seeing names and numbers and addresses on all of them. "Wow. It really is a stalker book. I kind of wish I hadn't thrown mine away now…" I handed the book back to him and he shoved it back into his knapsack. "Well, why did you bother to come over here?"

"I came to hang out with you and talk for awhile, un. I heard that you have a date this Friday!" he giggled happily. "My friends and I went out earlier this afternoon and Kakuzu looked like he was ready to explode so I asked him what was up and he was talking about a mile a minute about you and how you're going on a date this Friday, un. It was so cute! It made me really happy to see him that happy, un."

I stared at him, slowly processing what he was saying. When I finally got it, I must have looked like a cartoon character with a light bulb going off above my head. "A mile a minute?" I asked, surprised. Deidara nodded fiercely. "Wow…"

"Give me your phone for a second, un," he demanded, extending one hand so he could receive it. I reached into my pocket and reluctantly gave it up. "Yay! It's so easy to get what I want from you, un. All of my other friends throw bitch-fits when I ask for something of theirs…"

"What do you need it for?" I asked, ignoring is little amazed rant. He didn't answer. He flipped open my phone and started pushing buttons. "What the fuck are you doing? Why won't you fucking answer me?!"

"Jeez, you're impatient, un," Deidara stated finally, pushing another button – that looked suspiciously like where the send button was – and putting his fists on his hips. "Do you always bother people like that when they don't answer like that?" He snapped his fingers.

I pouted a little, glaring at him. "Only when I'm feeling impatient – oh, wait. That's, like, all the time. Yes," I told him sarcastically. "Now please tell me what you just did with my phone."

Deidara grinned, giving me goose-bumps. "I sent Kakuzu a text, un! I'm a little surprised that his number's already on your speed dial…"

"You did what?" I asked darkly. "What the hell did you do that for?! What the fuck did you say to him?! Why won't you fucking answer me already?!"

"You won't give me a chance, un!" he cried, almost falling backward. "Calm down, please. I just told him that you'd be at my place on Friday so he should stop by there instead of here, un. Hm…That sounds funky now that I try to tell you like that…"

I stared at him for a moment, puzzled. "I'll be at your place? Since when?"

"Since I decided that I want to help you get ready for your date, un!" He grinned at me, seeming thrilled that he had a friend to play dress-up with. "I think it'll be fun. Oh, hey look. He texted back, un…" He opened the text and I ran to look over his shoulder. _Alright…C u then. _"He sounds excited."

"How do you know? It's just a text," I retorted, rolling my eyes as butterflies attacked my stomach.

"Uh, there's a smiley face right next to the 'see you then', un," Deidara told me like it was supposed to be the obvious as he pointed at the virtual smile. "He's excited."

"Whatever. I smiley face says jack," I snorted, snatching my phone. I flipped it shut and shoved it back into my pocket. I dropped onto my bed, leaving space for him if he wanted to sit as well.

"Denial. You're so nervous, un!" He giggled like he thought it was funny. It started to piss me off. "Smiley faces mean a lot when you're texting. Like, sometimes, I'll send Sasori the little graphic kissy face smiles, un. It totally means 'I love you'." He sat down beside me, grinning. "They say how you feel because words on a phone don't mean a lot when you can't hear them, un. He was telling you he was excited."

"Sounds like a personal interpretation to me," I muttered grudgingly. In all honesty, what he told me made my stomach flip. "Should I have texted him back?"

Deidara glanced at me. It looked like a light bulb clicked on above his head. "Oh yeah. Tell him you're psyched, un."

"Psyched? Doesn't that make me sound a little _too _excited?" I pulled my phone out and went into the last text he'd sent me, hitting reply.

"Good point. Tell him…'can't wait', un," he commanded with a smile. "It'll make him think that you're really excited, too, but not desperate. I bet he'd like a challenge, un!" His smile turned to a grin and I tried not to shiver as I avoided wondering what he was thinking.

I typed in what I was told – even adding a smiley face – and got his approval before sending it. "Okay…You win. I'm so nervous."

"Why? You really like him, right, un? And you get along pretty well – um, from what I can tell anyway…" He paused, looking thoughtful.

"You were the one who made me kiss him before Christmas," I snapped. "And have you seen us together since then?"

"No but he's almost always talking about you, un. It really pisses off Pein," he told me and laughed.

I glanced away, caught off guard again. He seemed really good at doing that to me – same with Kakuzu. It must have been a feature that he and all his friends had. Spontaneity was a bitch and a half. "Who's Pein?" I asked quickly, eager for a subject change.

"One of my friends, un." Maybe you've seen him? He's got orange hair with piercings all over his face, un…" he trailed off, waiting for me to nod or shake my head. I nodded, recalling that I'd seen him once or twice at lunch. He was the one sitting across from Deidara the day I'd hit Sasori. He was also the guy who had been comforting the blue-haired girl in the hall the day of the "Holiday" assembly. "Well, he kind of took charge of our group. He's a senior, un. He'll be graduating this year, sadly. He's an awesome guy, un."

"He seems nice…from what I've seen of him," I told him, looking back up at him. "How did you end up with such cool friends?" I questioned softly, ashamed.

He caught my discomfort and smiled kindly. "I tried, un." I caught the accusation in his voice and ducked my head, even more ashamed now that it had been put out there. "Hidan, I'm glad I met you. It surprised me when you told me about your voices, un. You seemed more in control than even I can be sometimes."

"I'm not in control," I mumbled, not looking up. "Christopher is."

"Christopher?" he inquired. I heard the bed creak as he adjusted himself. "Who's Christopher, un?"

"He's the worst of the three voices in my head, un," I revealed, glancing up to his expression. He didn't look surprised. Then again, I didn't really expect him to be. "Sometimes, he pushes me into the deepest, darkest crevices of my mind and leaves me there while he takes control. He'll talk for me; think for me…he'll pretend to be me."

Deidara glanced down for a short moment and then back up at me. "When was the last time he did that, un?"

I thought for a moment, trying to remember that last time that I had felt so scared. "Yesterday," I admitted, adjusting myself so I could lie down.

It was silent for a minute and I swear I heard a ticking sound – the thing was, I didn't have that kind of clock in my room. "That explains it, un. I wondered why you were acting weird for part of the day."

"What did he say…?" I asked hesitantly. I propped myself up on my elbows to look at him. We stared at each other until he broke out grinning.

"Nothing too odd, un. In fact, he barely said anything and that's kind of what bothered me. And, on top of that, he didn't insult Sasori when we saw you in the halls, un." He laughed loudly. "Then again, I didn't see you until lunch and you seemed pretty normal then."

"That's because I was only out for one period," I informed him, trying not to sound too icy. "Can we change the subject now?" He stared at me warily before nodding.

"Sure. Can I paint your nails, un? I brought the best nail polish with me. I was going through all my polish when I saw this color and I thought about how awesome it would look on you. And wouldn't you like to show Kakuzu your pretty nails, un?" He laughed again, probably imagining things that were out of my imagination zone.

I sighed and sat up. "I want to see it before I answer," I replied and he dove for his backpack. He unzipped the front pocket and fished around until he pulled out a small bottle of nail polish. It was a deep purple color. I took it from him, inspecting it closely. I swore I saw sparkles but I wasn't sure. I glanced up at him and he stared at me anxiously. "Alright; have at," I answered, handing him the nail polish.

"Yay! You're so cool, un!" He started hitting the bottle on his palm before unscrewing the lid and motioning one of my hands over. I dropped my hand onto his lap and he put the bottle on the desk, pulling the little brush out. "Thanks for letting me paint your nails…" he murmured before starting on my thumb.

"I think I experimented with polish when I was 12 but I haven't touched the stuff since. We'll see how this goes," I responded almost arrogantly. I watched him as he carefully painted each one of my nails evenly. "It's really cold. I didn't know that nails had nerves."

"Every part of your body has nerves, I think, un," he told me almost incoherently as he concentrated on my pinky nail. "Sasori said you liked human biology – I would have thought you knew that already." He sat up and dipped the brush in the little bottle.

I grunted and gave him my other hand. He happily attacked it with the polish. I inspected the nails that had already been painted. "I think I like the way they look," I grudgingly admitted. He snapped his head up and grinned before he looked back down at my nails. "It's almost black. But, seriously, what's with the sparkles?"

"It was the only purple this deep that I had, un." He sat up and dipped the brush again. "Sorry."

I glanced down at my nails again to avoid his gaze. "It's alright. I was just wondering." I watched him paint my last two fingernails. "How long will this shit stay, anyway?"

"Do you bite your nails, un?" he asked dropping the brush back into the bottle. I nodded reluctantly. "So do I; don't worry about it. It'll last about 48 hours – depending on how much you bite your nails during that time, un. Okay, so I'll have to do the finishing coat next and a touch up on Friday so your nails will look all pretty for Kakuzu." He grinned as I gave him a death glare. "Can I raid your closet while your nails dry, un?"

"Why not?" He jumped up and ran to my closet. I warily followed him, nervous about the small box in the back of that space. He stood in the center of the closet, glancing around before attacking my clothes.

"Oh my God, I totally just found the best outfit for your date on Friday, un!" he announced, pulling hung up clothes off the racks.

"Already?" I muttered sarcastically, suddenly not all that surprised. He showed me a pair of dark blue jeans that I hadn't worn yet – probably because they were really tight on me, if they were the jeans I was afraid they were – and a black t-shirt with a skull on it. "That's the best outfit?"

"_Yes!_ It tells him that you're really into him because you're dressing up differently than you do everyday but then that you're not in it to get to the sex because you're wearing a casual outfit, un," Deidara explained, putting the outfit back on the rod closer to the wall. "Or you could wear this one. It has about the same affect, un." He produced a pair of black jeans matched with a white t-shirt and a deep blue jacket that almost looked black until you looked too close. "The difference between this one and the other one is you're dressing up a bit more but still looking casual. It also gives off an 'I'm into you but for all the right reasons' look, un. I hope that makes sense…" He lowered the hangers to look at me.

I grinned, amused by how much fun he was having with my bland wardrobe. "Alright, you caught my attention. So keep up the matching; I'm listening." He was delighted by my response and eagerly went back to finding different outfits with different explanations for each one. I watched and listened, enjoying his company. Finally, someone knocked on my bedroom door and Deidara and I peeked out of my closet. "Come in," I called. My mom walked in, looking both amused and relieved.

"It's getting kind of late. I think it's time for your friend to go home," she said, earning a pout from me. "Hidan, you've got school tomorrow."

"I know. I can stay up until one and still get up the next morning," I reminded her. "But I'd like for him to stay for awhile longer because he needs to put that finishing coat on my nails, right?" I glanced at Deidara and he nodded eagerly. "So can he stay for about another half hour, hour?"

My mom didn't look too happy and I wondered what was running through her head but she reluctantly nodded. "Alright, half an hour. Nails shouldn't take that long…"

"I wouldn't know," I told her with a shrug. She left grudgingly, leaving the door open a little.

"Your mom's afraid that we've been making-out or something, un," Deidara whispered, backing up into the closet a little. "Does your mom even know you're gay?"

I turned around to face him. "Yeah, I told her before we moved here. I've been afraid that she wasn't really all right with it…" I sighed before smiling as brightly as I could manage. "Are my nails dry enough for you to finish painting them?"

He walked over and inspected them. "Seems like it, un. Let's finish your nails. And I have to talk to you about which outfit to wear on Friday, un." He put his hands on his hips as we walked out of the small space.

"Alright, what about it?" I inquired, sitting down on the bed. He sat down across from me and picked up the nail polish bottle, screwing the lid back on and shaking it up.

"I think you should wear the outfit with the skull shirt but bring the other outfit – the one with the blue jacket – just in case I change my mind, un. And bring that black jacket, too. That's so I can mix up the outfits if I need to, un," he told me, unscrewing the lid, putting the bottle back and starting on my pinky nail.

I stared at him for a minute, trying to decide if he was really serious. "Okay, I'll see what I can do," I replied, watching him paint my nails. "Any advice for the date?"

"Um… Don't ask for anything expensive because he might hit you, un?" he suggested, dipping the brush and starting on my other hand. "Oh, and don't act like a goody-goody because he usually gets pretty pissed off about that. In fact, he once hit Tobi because he was talking really fast about his straight A's, un. So basically, don't act like you're trying to impress him or he might get mad at you."

"Sounds like he's a lovely guy," I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes to show my "appreciation" of the advice. "This should be an interesting date then…" I tried to think back to the last time I'd dated anyone. I was pretty sure the last time I'd dated someone was when I was about ten.

"Just be yourself and he'll absolutely love you, un!" he told me enthusiastically. "I mean, he already really likes you, it won't be that big of a stretch." I rolled my eyes again and he put the brush back into the bottle, screwing the lid back on and putting it away. "Don't be rude, un. You're a pretty likable person and he just wants to get to know you." Suddenly, I felt the hysteria start to creep up on me again. Deidara sat back up and looked at me, hunched over and trying to catch my breath. "Hidan?"

I shook my head, not trusting my voice yet. "I can't go through with it…" I finally muttered, staring wide-eyed at my patched up quilt. "I don't trust myself enough to talk to him about myself. What if I mess up? What'll happen if _they_ start talking to me? I'm not normal and there's only so much I can tell him… I can't do it!"

He rested a hand on my shoulder and I glanced up at him, a bit startled. "So what if they start talking to you, un? He'll be too busy occupying your attention and ears – there will be plenty of noise to distract you, wherever you go." He smiled kindly, calming me down a little. "You can be in control that night, no matter what Christopher tells you, un." It amazed me how he could talk about Christopher like he was a real person. As he said his name, I heard him hiss in my head. "Friday's your night!" I nodded and my mom called Deidara down. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow, un!" He picked up his backpack and left, waving behind him. I watched him go, feeling panic, nausea and emptiness invade the space he left behind.

I stared down at my nails, all neatly done and slowly drying. I felt myself choking, suffocating. I walked over to my door and clicked off the light, closing the door. I stood in complete darkness, trying to decide what I was going to do now. I turned around, staring at the light from the moon that was filtering in through the blinds of my window. I walked over to it and yanked open the blinds, staring out into my backyard. The moon cast a soft luminosity over the gentle mounds of dirt and thick patches of grass that were slowly trying to reclaim life as the snow dissipated. There were shadows caressing every object out there, down to the smallest pebble that jutted from the Earth. It took me a moment to realize that I was crying.

How desperately I wanted to live life the way I was supposed to – with no voices in my head, with real friends to talk to, with a family that cared, and without always wanting to curl up in the warmth of depression. I pressed one hand to the cold glass and thought about the cathedral I'd seen before Christmas. I needed that stained-glass window, not just wanted it. I glanced around my room, staring at all the foreign objects that shadowed spaces around them. Maybe it was time for me to ask my mom for a redo of my room's décor. And then I noticed it like it was the first time I'd ever seen it.

I walked over to my shelf that was mounted above my desk. I reached up and pulled down a fairy. I stared at it curiously, wondering why I'd never seen it before. It had a black dress on that cut at about the knees and was only one sleeved. The sleeve went down to her wrist and her hair was deep brown. Her hair wrapped around her upper half and tucked around her chest. On her face was heavy make-up, dark with emphasis on the bright green eyes. But it was her wings that fascinated me the most. They almost looked like butterfly wings but with colors I'd never seen on a butterfly. They were deep purple with red streaking through it and black at the very tip of each wing. I closed my eyes and pressed the small statue to my chest, breathing in the wistfulness it brought as it pressed into my shirt.

Aware that I might be messing up my nails, I pulled it away. I hung my head, ashamed that I was so caught up in the small figurine. It was not mine. Shakily, I set it back on the shelf. It clicked onto the wood as my door opened. I let go of the statue and spun, startled. My mom stood in the doorway, staring silently at me with a look of knowledge on her face. "I thought I'd give that to you. My mom gave her to me when I was younger. She's supposed to bring luck and take your negative energies away," she whispered, hesitantly walking in. I watched her carefully, wondering what she was thinking as she stared at me. "I'm not sure why I thought you needed her… But the other day, I noticed that you seemed upset. I suppose I thought that something was wrong and this would help."

"She's beautiful," I told her softly, not really sure what she expected from me. "But she's not mine. Mom, I don't feel like any of this is mine." I paused, trying to hide my tears unsuccessfully. "Do you think that I could get some new stuff eventually? I think that if I got to chose more of the things that I would feel more…connected." I seemed to have chosen the right word because my mom's calm look cracked. She looked at me almost sadly.

She touched her fingers to my shoulder, almost withdrawing. I wondered what she felt from me. The woman was Pagan; I'd like to make that clear. The first thing she'd mentioned when we first met was that I wasn't ever going to be able to hide feelings from her because she was best at seeing them for what they were. It had frightened me, to be honest. But I soon found that it was very useful when I didn't want to tell her things. "Maybe this Saturday we'll go out and start looking? You can start looking for things, if you'd like. We do have Internet, you know." She smiled, indicating that she was trying to tease. I smiled back weakly. "Do you want to come downstairs and have some tea…? Something warm?"

I glanced back at the window, seeing the shadows dance as a small breeze whistled through some grass and weeds. I turned back to her and smiled sincerely this time. "Can it have alcohol in it?" I asked jokingly and she shook her head. "Yeah, I'd like some tea…" She took her hand off my shoulder and put it out enough for me to take it. I hesitantly took it and she led me downstairs to the kitchen. She went to a cupboard that I'd never opened and pulled out a kettle, filling it with water and stetting it on the stove. She took down two mugs and sugar and teabags in them for us.

"I haven't really had a chance to talk to you in awhile. I apologize for that, Hidan," my mom told me kindly. That was thing that I loved about her. Not only was she nice, she was sincere. "So, how has school been? Have you made any friends – besides Deidara?"

"School's been…er, interesting. The teachers are either extremely nice or crazy and the kids are just about the same. So far, Deidara's my only friend but I've been talking to this guy…" I trailed off, waiting to see if she was interested or not. She nodded, encouraging me to continue. "He seems really weird but he also seems like he could be really nice. His name's Kakuzu and he's in my algebra class. He also has my lunch but I haven't had a chance to sit with him yet because he's always sitting with his friends. And he's the guy I'm going out with this Friday." I smiled brightly, trying to catch my breath after talking so fast. I wasn't used to describing people and Kakuzu was particularly hard because I didn't know much about him. "It's sort of a date except it's more to get to know each other…You know?"

She laughed. "Yes, I do. And he better not be an asshole or I'll be pissed." The kettle screamed and my mom hurried to pull it off the stove. She poured the hot water into our mugs and then set it on a back burner. She went to the silverware drawer and pulled out two small teaspoons. After dipping them into our cups, she picked them both up and walked over to the bar. She set a steaming mug of green tea in front of me and I mixed in the sugar eagerly. "Well, at least you're not bored in school, then, right? What with the crazy teachers and strange kids."

I grinned. "Yeah, that's true." I spooned up some of the dyed water and tasted it before setting the spoon aside and dropping the teabag into the garbage that my mom brought over after tasting her tea. We talked some more – keeping off of boring topics such as school and work – and drank our tea. I was actually enjoying her company and even though I heard the soft hum of the voices in the back of my head, I wasn't listening. When we were done talking, my mom offered to watch a movie with me. I agreed, challenging her by asking if I could pick the movie.

"Your nails look nice," my mom commented as I sat down after putting the DVD in. "Deidara did a nice job." I glanced up at her to see her smiling again. I smiled back and concurred, glancing down at my nails before the movie started. I turned my attention back to the TV as the movie commercials ended. My mom and I stared at the screen intently as two men walked into a room and started talking. I needed the laugh.

--

I went to bed with a grin on my face and woke up fighting back sobs. My throat was sore and my door was open more than it had been when I'd gone to bed so I was sure I'd been screaming during the night. I glanced at my clock to see that I had only about an hour before I was supposed to get up. I wrapped myself up in my quilt and turned on the radio on my clock, turning the sound down a lot. I found my favorite station and closed my eyes most of the way, relaxing into the hard beats and screaming voices. My dad's alarm started blaring and I listened as he turned it off and got up to get ready for another day of work. I turned my attention to the door as I heard him walking down the hall. He peeked in and I smiled unconvincingly at him. "Are you alright? You were having nightmares all night."

"My throat hurts a little," I told him, my voice hoarse. "It even sounds bad! But, yeah, I'm fine." He smiled, nodded and went to the bathroom to take his shower. I looked back at the numbers on my clock as the minute turned from three to four. One of my favorite songs came on and I concentrated on it, falling into the distraction as though it was a sea of dark. My bedroom light flicked on and I opened my eyes, staring up at my mom.

"Hidan, hon, it's time to get up…" she whispered, smiling at me as she touched my arm. I nodded sleepily and stretched, watching her back away to give me space to get up. "I'll go down and start breakfast." She quietly took her leave and I sat up, glancing at my clock again. The music was still playing but I could barely hear it. I turned up the music and climbed out of bed, going to my closet to find an outfit for the day. I took my time to look for something different but neither of the two outfits I could potentially wear the next day. I finally decided on something and quickly got dressed, eager now that I could smell breakfast. I hurried downstairs and my mom greeted me with a warm breakfast. I smiled at her and thanked her before eating hungrily.

Maybe my mom did care but I knew that my dad still didn't – no matter his attempts at trying to convince me he did.

When my mom was convinced that I was full, I dashed to get all my stuff together and get my jacket and shoes on. I called goodbye to my mom and hurried out the door. I was a little surprised to see that everyone else was already at the bus stop. I glanced down at my watch and my surprise disappeared. I walked over and Deidara greeted me enthusiastically. Suddenly, it started raining. I gasped slightly and looked up at the sky, deciding that today was going to be good. As it started to rain harder, I glanced down at the gutter and watched the water sweep down the road, dragging some ice and slush with it. "The snow is going away…The world is unfreezing…" I whispered, knowing that no one heard me over the pouring rain. The bus pulled up, windshield wipers working overdrive. We all climbed on and I walked to the back with Deidara who was delighted that I was going to sit with him and his friends.

Maybe Jay had been right. Maybe all I had to do was put a little more effort into this and everything would turn out all right. I stared out the window, listening to the orange-masked boy – now dubbed Tobi – try to talk to the dark black-haired boy – now known as Itachi. Deidara and Sasori talked to each other animatedly and I just watched water drip down the window. Just a little more effort…

--

**A/N: The next chapter will have the date, ha-ha. Anyway, I hope you're still enjoying this. Please review. **


	8. Eight

**Afraid of the Dark**

**Eight**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or characters thereof. Naruto was written and illustrated by Masashi Kishimoto.**

* * *

"Hidan! Guess what?" Deidara cried, catching me before lunch. I turned, a little surprised and maybe a little worried. I shrugged, deciding that he didn't really want a response. "Pein wants you to come sit with us, un. Tobi even put something nice in about you."

"Really…? Because he seems to hate the fact that I even know you," I told him, earning a snicker from Sasori who was standing beside the blonde. Deidara stared at me, looking pretty dumbstruck.

"Well, that's weird, un. He said some really nice things about you this morning," he murmured, glancing at his boyfriend. "In any case, come sit with us, un! Please? Everyone's gunna be nice to you, un. Konan's excited to meet you!" That seemed to hit something in me that almost caused me to say no. I glanced at his table where I saw the blue-haired girl talking to someone else I didn't know. I looked back at Deidara and nodded hesitantly. "Yes…!" He and Sasori led me to his table. Everyone looked up at me at the same time and I thought I was going to be sick. Deidara went through the introductions, pointing to people he'd told me about and people I already knew.

I had to pretend to be normal for half an hour. It was only half an hour. I could do it. I sat down between Kakuzu and Deidara, trying not to seem antisocial even though I felt like I had to be. It felt like Kakuzu was watching me and it wasn't helping my nerves at all. I sighed heavily and fell into conversation that Kisame started. That low buzz in the back of my head was back but I was too intrigued with what Pein was telling me. _This is going fine_, I thought happily.

Then something tugged on my arm. I turned my head, startled and curious. No one was there. My heartbeat sped up and I glanced at the floor, trying to get my fear under control. "Hidan…?" Deidara asked softly and I spun back around, embarrassed to see everyone at the table staring at me. "You okay…?" And I knew what he meant.

I nodded, standing up and thanking them for being so nice. I felt really bad, not just for totally dissing Deidara and his friends but because of the fact that I'd just walked away from Kakuzu. I really hoped that I hadn't upset him in any way. But I was scared again. I went to the stairs and sat on them, staring at the opposing wall. The day was supposed to be good and I'd just ruined it for myself. I buried my face in my hands, trying to calm myself down in case anyone decided to come after me. I knew that I had probably reacted badly, scaring myself so horribly. But it'd been afraid of what I'd see, what I wouldn't see.

"Hey, Hidan…" I glanced up to see Kakuzu leaning against the wall next to me, staring down at me. "What's got you so freaked out? Did you watch a horror movie last night that scared you to tears?"

I huffed and shook my head. "No, I actually watched a comedy last night." I paused, trying to come up with an excuse as to why I'd left so hurriedly. "I thought I felt someone touch my arm and it kind of got me freaked out. Those things tend to scare me a lot."

He nodded and then sat down next to me. "You're giving Sasori fuel for the fire, you know. As soon as you left, he started making snide remarks about you. It's bad enough when he puts the comments in when either Deidara or I mention you, but it's starting to get really annoying."

"I still can't believe that he hates me for no apparent reason," I muttered, resting my chin on my hand and covering my mouth partially.

"I thought it was because you hit him," Kakuzu told me incredulously. "Is that not the reason?" I shook my head and told him about my first day and how hostile Sasori had been. "Hmm…He's a pretty interesting individual, actually. He's been known to be able to see a person for who they really are, what they'll be like." I felt like my breath was getting stuck in my throat. "I wonder what he saw that made him hate you." He stared at me intensely until I thought for sure he was reading everything that was running through my mind. He laughed softly suddenly and looked away, breaking the trance I'd felt like I'd been in. "Then again, he might have jumped to conclusions and maybe he saw nothing. Sometimes he does that to people he thinks will be hazardous to his friends."

I sighed and propped my chin on my hand again, leaning on my knee. "A lot of people judge me before they even hear what I have to say," I mumbled, watching a girl run over to her friends squealing. I glanced down at my other hand, staring at the polish as it glittered when I twitched one of my fingers.

"Same with me…People are too judgmental," he replied softly. "Wonderfully, though, there are a few people out there who listen to people like us." I felt something brush against my hand and I glanced down to see Kakuzu's fingers resting gently on it. "Who painted your nails?"

I chuckled under my breath. "Deidara. He decided that it would be a good color on me and I wasn't really opposed to it. Although it's starting to look funny now that I started chewing on my nails again…"

"Old habits die hard, huh?" I nodded grudgingly. "Well, they still look good. And he was right – that is a good color for you." I rolled my eyes and looked over at him. "Hey, you remember what happened before Christmas break, right?" I nodded again and looked away before the blush became too apparent. "Any idea what Deidara was up to?"

"Not really. I think he was just looking for a laugh. Although, I wouldn't really put it past him at this point to consider playing matchmaker…" I muttered, trying not to really think of that day. I didn't want to get caught blushing right now.

"Neither would I, actually. I think it was pretty funny when you kissed my mask, leaving everyone disappointed. I actually remembered to laugh at that later that day…" he told me, sounding awed. "Well, anyway, I was actually going to ask you where you wanted to go tomorrow. I'm really low on ideas – and that's sad considering _I _was the one who asked _you _out."

I smiled and looked back at him. "If it's going to be so we can talk, movie's out of the picture." I paused, realizing what a bad joke I'd just made without realizing it. He laughed – probably at my expression. "Do you like hiking?"

"I haven't done that in years," he replied when he stopped laughing. "I bet it's warm enough to go out and do that, though." He stared at me in anticipation, waiting to see if that's what I wanted to do. I nodded and the bell rang. He glanced up at the ceiling and sighed. "This should be a fun date then," he told me as he stood up. "Well, almost date, depending on how you look at it." I rolled my eyes and stood up, turning to go up the stairs. "Talk to you tomorrow, then."

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm looking forward to it…" I turned my head and met his eyes. I smiled. It was an odd feeling – to smile so genuinely when every other smile I'd given anyone besides him and Deidara were fake. But it didn't bother me like I thought it would.

"So am I," he responded with a small nod before he walked away. I wandered up to my locker and then to my next class, wondering how long I would be able to stay so happy.

* * *

I stared at my walls, wondering where all the bulletin boards had come from. The wall by my bed was covered with the boards from where it met with the ceiling to the floor board. I stared at it, feeling my heartbeat speed up with a different kind of adrenaline rush. I turned and went to my desk. Pulling out several sheets of paper and a pencil, I set to work. A few of the papers I covered with drawings – people bleeding from self-inflicted wounds, hearts with stitches and opened wounds that bled everywhere, eyes that just stared out of the page – but most of them I wrote out my feelings on.

_I'm not lonely because I have no friends…I'm lonely because no one understands._

_I'm sorry if I become unpredictable. Is it because I won't talk?_

_With the dark so close, I fear that I'll never escape it._

_I try to be cold so I won't disappoint anyone._

_Who would ever want to live forever? Wouldn't everything get worse?_

_Sorry for being me and not you._

_Don't pretend to know me._

_I want to give up already. So what's stopping me?_

_After everything everyone said, I know that I'm __not__ okay._

_Sometimes, I have to remind myself to breathe._

_When you ask me what's wrong, maybe I'll tell you that I don't know. However, I guess I'm waiting for someone who will understand._

_I need someone but no one cares._

_It's getting easier to lie to those I care about._

_Do my eyes give away too much?_

_I feel as though I'm suffocating._

_What would everyone do if I died tomorrow?_

_With a smile on my face and a fake story to tell, I know you'll never see me. _

_I am all alone._

I hurried downstairs and grabbed some tacks. When I had them, I ran back upstairs and into my room. I locked the door and turned to all the papers that were scattered over my floor. In a flurry, I grabbed a few and put them on my bed. I put the box of tacks on my bedside table and opened them. Pulling one out, I pinned the first paper to the board and then all I remember is being in a hurry to put every one of them up so that I could see them all. I stepped away from my bed, staring at the wall again. It was covered with pictures and phrases that made my heart sink. It was scary to know that all that had been locked inside of me.

And then I broke down crying.

* * *

When I arrived at the bus stop the next day, I felt drained. I hadn't slept very well that night and I was regretting not sleeping in. Then again, if I didn't show up to school that day, Kakuzu might think that I'd flaked on him. I sat down on the curb and buried my face in my hands. I was so exhausted. It was drizzling but I didn't really care at that point; it was just water after all. It wasn't until a car drove by and soaked me that I jumped from my post with a shout. "FUCKTARDS!!" I screamed, furious. It started to rain harder. The rain wasn't what bothered me – I loved to watch the skies cry – it was the idiots who didn't care about the people on the sidewalks that I hated.

"Oh my God, Hidan," Deidara said from next to me and I spun. He looked like he was trying not to laugh. "What happened, un?"

I just stared at him for a moment, trying to calm myself down. "Just stupid people driving around soaking anyone and everyone. Someday soon, I'm going to get a poster board and write in big letters: 'Honk if you feel sorry for us'…" I sighed and wrapped my arms around my torso, shivering despite how warm I'd dressed today. "Idiots shouldn't be allowed to drive in good weather…"

"I don't really call this good weather," Sasori told me, looking eerily calm. It was odd to see him so calm when he was usually so pissed off at me that he his face was screwed into some angry mask. Although sometimes he had a look of kindness on his face when he was looking at Deidara – that usually made me walk away.

"It depends on who you ask," I retorted quietly, feeling drained again. The redhead stared at me for a moment before looking at the street. It was almost completely silent for a few minutes except for the rain that pelted us.

"It makes it seem like the Gods are crying," Sasori said, loud enough for both Deidara and I to hear. The blonde looked at him oddly. "At one point I waited for days like this because it made me think that someone cared but I was wrong. The Gods don't cry for just anyone. I was only a someone." He glanced at Deidara sidelong. "Now I've got sunshine all the time." My heart twisted and I stared out at the rain soaked roads with a slight nod. He was right. Not even Jashin took the time to mourn over one person.

The bus pulled up and we climbed on, Tobi and Itachi racing to catch it before it left. I sat in the back with them, trying to pay attention to what they were talking about but not really succeeding. When we got to the second stop, some idiot walked back and tried to claim my seat. "I don't see a name anywhere over here. Did you write it in invisible ink?" I asked him politely.

"No but I've been sitting there for over a year now," he told me, trying to make a point and not succeeding.

"And what year are you in?" I inquired. I was guessing that he was only a freshman, and, judging by the blush that appeared after I asked, I was right. "Does that mean you've been held back a year?"

"Shut-up, loser!" he snapped angrily. I felt like I was seconds away from punching him in the face so I looked over at Deidara who was sitting on the seat across from me. He gave me a knowing look and then he screamed, startling basically everyone on the bus.

"Stop touching me, un!" Deidara cried with a horrified expression. "Stop!" The bus driver walked back, frustrated.

"What's going on back here?" he asked gruffly. I was a little surprised as I'd never heard him talk before. He looked like a mess; I guess I'd never really noticed him either.

Deidara took a deep breath and then pretended to choke back a sob. "He was sexually harassing me, un!" He pointed at the boy in the isle next to me who had turned to face the blonde when he'd screamed. "When I told him to stop, he just kept going!" I was trying really hard not to laugh while Tobi, sitting in front of me, had ducked as he tried to hide his snickers.

"Front of the bus, kid," the bus driver snapped at the kid who started complaining and whining. He grabbed his arm and took him to the front of the bus. When we had taken off again, we all burst out laughing.

"You pulled that off all too well," Sasori struggled to say and he ended up resting his head against the seat in front of him, holding his sides in what looked like pain.

"I'm in the drama club for a reason, un!" he told him matter-of-factly. "And, Hidan, you looked like you were ready to punch his face in! I only did it because I wasn't really keen on the idea of watching that, un…" I grinned at him.

"Tobi liked your 'invisible ink' comment," the orange-masked boy said, leaning over the seat to see me. I glanced at him, startled. I could feel the tension between us still but I didn't feel like I could cut through it with a knife…That was the right saying, right? In any case, I wondered if this meant he wasn't as upset with me – for whatever reason he'd been upset with me. The rest of the bus ride was relatively quiet and uneventful. When we got to school, my nerves started bothering me again. I couldn't remember ever being so nervous in my entire life and why was I so nervous? I had no idea.

Once I went inside and had reached my locker, all fears suddenly demolished. With a sigh, I realized that the day would be a normal day – with me not even wanting to be here. I enjoyed school because I got to see Deidara and Kakuzu but the rest of the day just sucked. I made my way to my first period class and was practically attacked by my English teacher who frantically asked me something in English. I stuttered that she should wait a second while I processed what she was asking me. When I had translated the question in my head, I quickly responded. "Current president is…I forgot his name!" I cried desperately in English. She sighed either in aggravation or relief – I couldn't tell. She then told me to take my seat and I practically ran to it.

My English teacher scared me sometimes. And her scares had become more frequent…

* * *

"So, dividing ten by three and looking at the answer, you can determine what x is. However, how do solve for x and y when the only number in the equation is 17?" my algebra teacher asked. I stared at him, dumbfounded. "You can't." I dropped my head onto my desk and Kakuzu chuckled from next to me. I was super pissed at this point. It was like all my teachers decided to torture me because they had some sort of fetish for it. It was like they knew that if they frustrated me enough, they could flunk me. "You paying attention, Hidan?"

"Yes, sir," I mumbled into the desk and I heard Kakuzu's snickers from next to me. I wished math would be nonexistent. Then I wouldn't have to do it and I wouldn't have to think about it and I wouldn't have to worry about passing the dumb class. I mean, they made calculators for this kind of shit…right? I stared at the desk, really frustrated. But the worst part of this class was my dumb algebra teacher. He was old enough to just fall over dead. So why hadn't he yet? Was he going to stick around until the last day of this year when I wouldn't have to put up with him any longer before he finally died?

Something about worksheets caused me to finally look up at him. He was scowling at me and I swear I saw an evil glint in his eyes. Was this spite? I took the remaining worksheets from the person in front of them and passed them back without taking one. I was feeling pretty daring today. And tired; maybe I could sleep through the rest of the period. I put my head back down. When the last student in the row called out that they had an extra, the teacher went back and got it. I could feel someone staring down at me and I tried not to cringe. "Are you planning on failing this class, Hidan?" the teacher asked gruffly.

I looked up at him indifferently. "No. I pass this class with my test scores, sir. You didn't mention it before but in this district, all we have to do is pass all the tests and…" He cut me off my slamming the worksheet down and pointing at it before walking away. "…I'm guaranteed an A…" I stared at the worksheet with a scowl and debated whether or not to actually complete it. After a moment of debating, I decided that I would but I was using a calculator. I pulled my phone out of my pocket. I saw Kakuzu watching me so I looked at him with a smirk and pressed my index finger to my lips. His eyes gleamed with amusement as he nodded.

I opened up my phone and went into my calculator, typing in the first problem. I wrote down a bunch of numbers and how I supposedly got to that answer before I wrote down the right answer. It was a long process but I finished the worksheet by the time the bell rang. I closed my phone and passed in my worksheet happily before gathering up my things. "Dude, you're so going to be messed up when he sees that," Kakuzu told me as I stood up.

"He never said that the process had to be right," I responded nonchalantly and shrugged. "If you remember, we were just supposed to do the work." He nodded, seemingly taking that into consideration. "Now, I have to get out of here before he sees my paper…" I crouched a little and hurried from the room, hearing his laugh from behind me. I hadn't heard him laugh like that. Either he thought it was funny that I was making a fool out of myself or he really thought I was funny – either way, I liked his laugh.

* * *

"Hidan! Hidan!" Deidara cried, pouncing on me as I tried to escape him. "Come on! You can't skip lunch, un! And you can't flake on your potential boyfriend!" I turned my head to look at him, a bit taken aback by his words. He laughed at me and dragged me toward his table.

"Deidara, I swear to Jashin if you don't let me go immediately…" I paused, trying to come up with a substantial threat that wouldn't make his boyfriend hit me. He stopped and looked at me with mocking curiosity. "I…I'll never speak to you again." I nodded my head with what I hoped would be more of finality rather than stubbornness, even though it was about the same at that moment.

"You wouldn't be able to follow through with it, un," Deidara reminded me scornfully. I pouted a little as I was dragged toward his table again. I wrapped one arm around my torso grudgingly. "Sit," he commanded when we reached his table. His friends laughed or tried to repress laughs.

"Make me," I commanded, crossing my arms when he let me go. "I'm feeling really stubborn today." Deidara huffed and glanced at his friends. But before anyone could do anything, Kakuzu reached up and grabbed my wrist. He tugged me toward him so I stumbled and almost ran into the chair I was supposed to sit on. Deidara pulled it out and the teen with his hand wrapped around my arm, let go and pushed me into the seat. All this was done _casually_. I huffed and folded my arms again.

"Why are you being difficult, un?" the blonde asked, taking his seat next to Sasori. I just glared at the floor grudgingly until a boot collided with my shin. Furious, I looked up but couldn't identify the culprit. I felt myself pale a little and decided to answer.

"Because I woke from nightmares this morning and then was attacked by that stupid son of a bitch. And because when I got to school, my English teacher almost had a breakdown in front of the entire class – something about her boyfriend, I think – and then my math teacher was being a bitch and a half. And because my world civs teacher bitched us out over some dumb test results." I paused and glared at Tobi who glanced away, with an innocent air about him. "And finally because we're playing basketball in gym and the whole class has it out for me. That's why I'm being difficult today."

"My ears were just verbally attacked…" Zetsu muttered, glancing around blankly. "Do you go through stuff like that every day?" I smiled sarcastically and nodded harshly. "And I thought my French teacher was evil…"

"You take French?" Pein asked, tilting his head with a silly smile on his face that didn't seem to fit him. I mean, the guy looked scary but I'd quickly learned that he was as nice as Deidara had told me he was.

"Yes, sadly. My mother didn't want me taking German so she transferred me into French. The teacher hates teenagers," the green haired teen said, a small smile on his lips. "But it sounds like there are meaner teachers out there." I returned to glaring at the floor so I wouldn't glare at him.

Something nudged me and I glanced up, expecting to see Konan or Itachi next to me but only seeing air. I blinked furiously and then glanced around the table. Everyone was talking about classes and teachers. I rolled my eyes and went back to pouting. "Are you sure you're going to be able to snap yourself out of your bad mood before our date this afternoon?" Kakuzu asked from next to me. I looked at him, a little surprised.

"It depends on if the rest of the teachers are going to be evil or not," I told him honestly. "But I'll try…" And I felt myself getting lost as I stared into his green eyes. It wasn't like in the movies or whatever when they say corny lines about being lost in someone's eyes. It was scarier. I tilted my head a little, trying to get away but I felt trapped.

"Oi, Hidan!" Sasori snapped, causing me to turn my head to look at him. "I asked you something, did you hear me?" I shook my head and made a noise that sounded like a mix of a growl and scream. And that meant I'd made him frustrated, which led to irritability. "Fine, I'll ask again. Where are you guys going this afternoon?"

"Oh, hiking, unless something's changed…" I glanced at Kakuzu out of the corner of my eye, not really sure what had happened before and if I really wanted to find out. I knew that he was mesmerizing – that much had been made clear the moment I'd seen him – but that was not what had trapped me. It was something completely different. I hadn't been staring into Kakuzu's eyes, I realized with a shudder.

"Nothing's changed. The sun's still out and it's still pretty warm…" he responded indifferently. "So we'll see how it goes."

* * *

I stepped out of Kakuzu's small car and stared at the lush land before me. It had been such a long time since I'd last been able to see this part of the world. Everything I saw these days were buildings and smoke fogging up my air. This was a different place. I could breathe. For a minute, I just stood there, completely relaxed. Kakuzu glanced at me as he went toward the trail and I was quick to follow. Birds screamed above us and a small breeze ruffled the leaves around us on various plants, adding to the relaxing feel.

"You seem pretty calm…" he whispered, taking another giant step and grabbing onto a branch. We had both decided that we didn't want some wussy trail and had taken a harder one. I wasn't regretting it yet.

"Yeah," I murmured. "I didn't realize how peaceful these places are…" I almost lost my balance and reached down, grabbing at a rock that was jutting from the trail in front of me. Kakuzu glanced back at me and laughed when he saw me. "Shut-up; I wasn't paying attention," I growled defensively. He just chuckled and helped me back up. We struggled up the trail, watching for a good place to sit and relax. About an hour into our adventure, I saw a clearing off to the side of the trail. "Think we could go in there?" I asked, pointing at it through the trees.

He looked at it, seemingly examining it. "Yeah, that looks like a good place…" We wandered off the trail, pushing our way through the thick brush and weaving our way around the ancient tree trunks. I was amazed. When we go there, I sat on the large rock in the middle of it. He scowled at me before walking up and calmly pushing me off. "I need a seat, too."

"Sit on the ground!" I huffed and then started laughing at my stupidity. "Okay, fine. I will." He nodded approvingly and we fell into a relaxed silence. I was staring out at some trees when I thought about something and glanced up at the other teen. I opened my mouth to ask when I saw that he'd taken off his mask. Tattooed from the corner of his lips to the end of his jaw were lines with what looked like stitches over them. I closed my mouth, awed.

"What?" he mumbled, seeing my stare. It seemed to click and he made a face. He reached up and touched the lines on his face. "Believe it or not, I don't regret these. It signifies a lot for me…"

"Mending or healing, right?" I asked and he nodded, looking a bit startled. "Figured as much…They're wicked cool though." He smiled and I couldn't help but smile back. It was the first time really seeing his smile and I found that it was pretty contagious. I leaned back on my hands and looked up at the sky with a content sigh.

"So…for lack of things to ask, what's your family like?" Kakuzu asked, sounding as calm as I felt. I stiffened a little but forced myself to bathe in the tranquil quiet as a bird started a newer tune.

"Well…my mom's really nice but for the life of me, I don't understand what's up with my dad," I told him and he made that hushed gasp that asked what I was talking about. "They're my adoptive parents and I'm almost positive that my dad doesn't even want me. My mom's so nice though. Sometimes I forget that we're not blood related…What about your family?"

"Ah…" he sighed, shaking his head with a ticked smile on his face. "Let's see…My sister's a bitch, my mom's a whore and my dad's never around. So, basically, it's like I don't even know them. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only one in my house who's actually trying to get anywhere in life." He paused and I took a second to soak that up. "Anyway…" He hopped off the rock and sat on the ground next to me. "That rock is going up my ass and it doesn't feel nice." I laughed. I couldn't help it. After such a heavy topic, he suddenly erases it with something so…random.

"What're your hobbies?" I asked when I could breathe again. The area was pretty much just dirt but there were patches of lush green grass scattered around. One of them was right behind me so I leaned back into it, putting my hands behind my head.

He was thoughtful for a moment before he finally answered, "I guess my favorite thing to do is listen to music and draw. I mean, it's so easy to just get lost in the songs and let them overtake my mind, letting me find something…creative to draw. What about you?"

I paused, wondering exactly what I did in my free time besides freak out over the silences. "I usually just lie around and listen to music. Sometimes I draw or write short stories but I guess I don't have anything set…" I glanced at him but he didn't seem phased at all. "What're your favorite genres of music?" I challenged. He raised an eyebrow.

"Rock, punk rock, and a little bit of techno mixed in there somewhere. You?"

"Basically the same thing and some scream-o…though every once in awhile I find myself listening to catchy J-pop songs…" I warily watched for his reaction. And immediately his eyes widened.

"You…J-pop? Seriously?" I reluctantly nodded. "Wow…You totally didn't strike me as the kind of guy who would listen to that kind of stuff. Why?"

"Why? I don't know. It really depends on the song. A lot of it is total shit because it doesn't make any sense whatsoever but there are a few out there that I appreciate," I admitted grudgingly. "What're your favorite bands?"

He thought about that for a moment. "Well, I like a variety of bands – from _Acid _to _Kannivalism_ and so on. But my absolute favorite band has to be…_Nightmare_. What about you? What are your favorite bands?"

"I like too many to pull just a few but my all time favorite is _Oblivion Dust. _They're just so awesome. I can name about three of my top favorite songs that they've ever done," I offered and waited to see what he wanted.

"Do it." He nudged me playfully and I grinned.

"Okay… _Sucker, Blurred, _and_ Never Ending,_" I recited, giving him a smug smile. "Can you tell me your favorite songs? Um…Top three favorite, anyway…"

"_Gaia~Zenith Side,_ _Akane/Hate/Over, _and _Lost in Blue_." He gave me his own triumphant grin and I resisted the urge to hit him. He just stared at me, amused. "It's so easy to make you angry." I let out a huff and turned my head stubbornly. He shoved me playfully and groaned in protest.

I didn't really know what to say. He was right and I didn't know why it was that I was so easy to anger. "What about you? How is that you're so calm?"

"Oh, I rarely am this calm. If people hit the right button, I snap and little can calm me down," he confessed and I glanced back up at him. He looked a little sheepish. "In any case…"

I stared up at the sky wearily. "In any case…It's really nice up here." He chuckled softly and then I heard him lay down next to me. "I've only been up in mountains like this once before and that was about three years ago…" I heard my voice crack and I swallowed hard.

For a moment, neither of us said anything and I almost thought that he wouldn't ask what was wrong. But curiosity must have gotten the better of him. "Why so long ago? I mean, I haven't been up here in years because my family kind of broke apart and then trashed the tradition."

"My current set of parents are pretty busy, sadly. My mom keeps saying that someday we'll go camping but we haven't had the chance yet. My last set were Christian" – I received a surprised look – "I know, amazing. But they used the mountains as what they called an escape and sometimes they tried to tell me that they liked it to teach lessons…" I paused, staring sadly at the blue sky. "Sometimes they pressured me; unintentionally, they said. It's kind of nice that I've got a better family."

"You're so lucky…" Kakuzu whispered and I looked over at him. His eyes were half closed and his face bordering between peaceful and sorrow. "My family used to be really close and we used to be so happy…"

"So what happened?" I murmured, willing him not to tell me if he didn't want to.

"My older sister started dating someone my parents didn't approve of and several months later, she ran off with him and got married. My younger sister had looked up to her so she was pretty crushed by her decision. I doubt that she's really gotten over it. My dad favors my little sister a bit and he's a business man so he's constantly gone. When he comes back, he's always got things for her. I basically pushed him away. Only recently did I realize how…neglected…my mom feels," he explained calmly. "I guess once my parents lost control of one of their children, they gave up on the rest."

I was silent, just staring at him. Sometimes, I felt selfish for thinking that I had a horrible life. Now just happened to be one of those times. I sighed and turned my head to stare at the trees. I felt like a jack-ass. "Damn…" I muttered and judging by the grunt he, thought I was talking about what he just said. "I'm hungry."

He laughed loudly and several birds squawked in protest. "You're such a freak. I say something serious and you say something random."

"Hey, you did it, too," I retorted, snickering. He sat up and then used the rock as a crutch to stand up. Once he was on his feet, he extended his hand and I took it. He pulled me to my feet.

"Let's go get something to eat then…I'm pretty hungry, too. School lunches suck and don't do much for my stomach…" I glanced at him questioningly. "Yes, that's why I'm never eating. Guess what time it is."

"Hmm…Four-thirty?" I guessed as we pushed our way back out to the trail.

"Close…It's five. We sure do know how to waste time," he chuckled and we stumbled onto the trail. "Boy…This'll be fun…" We walked back down the trail, asking each other irrelevant questions and more or less just goofing off.

I felt normal. I felt alive. I felt carefree. My chains seemed so light and I was sure that my cheeks were going to be sore tomorrow from smiling so much today. It felt weird but I decided to just soak it up. This was my chance to feel like I wasn't different. But was I really that different? After learning so much about Kakuzu, I didn't feel so alone. I didn't feel like I was the only person out there suffering. Maybe I had a fear of knowing that I wasn't alone and that's why I refused to look at the world the way it really was. At least I was still alive…

* * *

**A/N: I'm not entirely happy with this chapter. The beginning seemed really rushed and the end just plain sucks. Somewhere in the middle, it seems really cool, though. **

**Before I forget, I have to do another quick disclaimer. I don't own any of the following bands or songs (in order): **_"Acid", "Kannivalism", _**and**_ "Nightmare" – 'Sucker', 'Blurred', _**and**_'Never Ending'. "Oblivion Dust" – 'Gaia~Zenith Side',_ _'Akane/Hate/Over', _**and** _'Lost in Blue'. _**I could go off and tell you who started the bands but I don't really feel like it. So, yeah, I don't own them. And, yes, I did do my research and all of the mentioned bands are from somewhere in Japan unless the site was f-ed up. **

**I hope you liked this chapter, even if I didn't. Please review.**


	9. Nine

**Afraid of the Dark**

**Nine**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto© or characters thereof. They all belong to Masashi Kishimoto. **

**A/N: I apologize for how late this chapter is. I was having trouble with it. I also apologize for the numerous mistakes I made in the last chapter. It was EXTREMELY late and I was desperate for it to get out. And I also want to apologize for how awkward Hidan and Kakuzu's dates may sound because this is **_**actually**_** the first time I've taken the time to write out how any couple has gotten together. I hope this chapter will be better than the last.**

**Also, this story is now M for later chapters – not this chapter – and it's just as a precaution, anyway. **

* * *

I was in total bliss.

This was no lie. That date Friday seemed to have set everything for me. It was Wednesday and I woke up with a smile on my face for the fifth time that week. I had had no nightmares. Kakuzu and I either talked or passed notes whenever we saw each other. In fact, it had become a quick habit to start a note in the morning and deliver it to each other as we passed in the halls on our way to classes. The voices had been relatively quiet since the date. I was amazed. What was Kakuzu? A cure?

My eyes widened at that thought and my knees almost buckled under me. My heart sped up as I wondered if this was what I'd been looking for. Was it really that simple? And if so, why hadn't I been able to find him earlier? I grabbed onto my bedroom doorknob after getting dressed shakily. My knees finally gave out and my head knocked against the door as I hit the floor, my fingers barely gripping the knob. I was both amazed and horrified. My whole life had been spent trying to survive. It had been a struggle every day against depression. Could I really accept that some guy I met this year would be able to stop all of this?

"_Why should you? And at the same time, why shouldn't you?_" Kristopher asked behind me. I turned my head, all hope lost at the sight of him. He had one eyebrow raised and a smirk on his face. "_Do you really think that years of what we have built up for you will be demolished by one teen's admiration for you? I highly doubt that it will be that simple…_" His last words were whispers in my head as he faded away, replaced by my mother's voice calling me downstairs.

Okay, maybe I should've thought twice before saying that I was in total bliss. Perhaps I should've said that I was almost in bliss. Because I _knew_ that I wasn't quite in heaven yet. After all, I was still crawling out of Hell.

* * *

"Do you realize…that May is next month, un?" Deidara asked casually over lunch, leaning back in his chair. "And that means another year of school is almost over. Do you know what comes after that, un?" He glanced smugly at me and Kakuzu.

"Summer," I answered automatically and then frowned at the realization. "Wait…Is it really that close? Aw, man…" I dropped my head onto the table, groaning at the pain. I was horrified for two reasons. The first and most important was that I was going to be alone for three months. The second and least important was that I was going to be extremely bored.

"Aw! Are you going to miss us, un?" the blonde cooed mockingly and I lightly punched his arm without looking up. "Ouch. Hey, channel your depression in other ways! I don't appreciate getting hit on, un! Whoops; that come out wrong…" I looked up at him, raising one eyebrow. He frowned and punched my shoulder a bit harder than I'd hit his. "Don't look so smug, un."

"I can't believe that summer's almost here," Pein moaned, looking pretty upset by this. "That means I have to wait longer for all of you to get out of high school. What am I supposed to do for the next year? Beg the school directors to let me repeat my senior year so that I don't have to be bored and lonely for a full year?"

"Pein, we are in the world of technology now," Kakuzu told him, sounding like he was explaining something to a little kid. "We all have emails and phones. We can communicate via computer and cell phone. Have the teacher's had that much of an effect on you – telling you not to email in tech class and not to text in every other class?"

He stayed silent, just glaring. "He's right. Friendships will prevail!" Konan cried happily and everyone at the table laughed…Except me. I sat there, eyebrows furrowed, as I stared at them. Yes, I considered these people to be my friends. But could it really last? As I'd discovered this morning, Kristopher had no intention of letting me go. And as for my own mind, I felt like I didn't have a choice. I'd lose my friends. That meant that I'd lose my one source of hope for happiness because these people actually cared about my wellbeing.

"Hey, Hidan," Deidara called, almost derisively. "Are you still alive, un?" He knocked on my head until I felt like I was about to rip his arm off his body. It took me a minute to both calm myself down and also realize that that was something I shouldn't and wouldn't do. I glared at him and he grinned. "Yep, it appears that you're still alive! I want your email, un! If I don't have your email, I won't be able to email you and then I'll _die_!" he informed me dramatically, his shoulders drooping and his lower lip sticking out like he was pouting.

"I…" I paused as I realized I was blushing. "I don't have one." Deidara gasped and brought a hand to his mouth. "Oh, god…" I mumbled, scared of the sudden strange look on his face.

"Wait...You have a cell phone – magically enhanced with texting powers – but you don't have an email, un?!" he screeched and I tensed up, just about ready to hit him. "We really have to do something about that. Seriously, your standards in the tech world are _way _below average, un."

"Maybe I just didn't want one," I snapped, covering up the fact that I'd just never had a need for one. "Maybe I don't want one now…" I challenged and we stared at each other, daring the other to attack first.

"That's too bad," Kakuzu suddenly declared from next to me and I spun to face him. "You're getting one whether you want one or not. I need another way to talk to you other than just texting or phone calls – especially since I don't pay that particular bill and my parents would probably wreck me if I racked up that bill too much…Oh, and it's much easier to type than it is to text. That being established, you're getting an email." I just sighed in defeat.

"Oh! You know what? We should all go on some sort of trip or something," Tobi suggested cheerfully. "I mean, we should enjoy the summer to its fullest! And I really want to go swimming…"

"You can do that year round if you find an indoor swimming pool," I reminded him, remembering the third period catastrophe. "And the swimming pools will be open soon enough. We'll be able to go swimming practically anywhere in about another week."

He stared at me for a minute and then said, "How about going swimming in a non-chlorinated pool – a lake, perhaps! Novel idea, no?"

"Stop being a dick," I retorted, turning my attention back to the table in front of me. I dropped my head back onto my arms and sighed.

"Jeez, Tobi; what's your deal?" Zetsu asked, sounding perplexed. "You could be nicer, you know. And that could be said about you, too, Hidan." I lifted my head and raised an eyebrow in question.

"He started it," I replied childishly. "And he's basically failing the whole class single-handedly. Okay, that's not true. Courtney's helping him." I sat up again, leaning back into my chair. "I'm so sick of losing IQ points every time I walk into that classroom."

It was quiet around the table for a minute and then Itachi murmured, "Um…What are you talking about?"

"I just don't get a few things in history and now he's blaming me for lowering his IQ when he's probably doing it to himself," Tobi declared, sounding like he was pouting. "I'm not entirely sure how he'd manage to get it so incredibly low…" I felt like he was testing me, waiting for me to snap. He was waiting to prove something, even if I wasn't sure _what_ he was trying to prove.

"You know what, Tobi? Why don't you just shut up for once in your life? Because the moment he decides to rip your head off, I'll gladly be by his side to help," Kakuzu growled from next to me, surprising me. "I don't know what's with you because you're being a giant asshole right now but…" He trailed off and I glanced at him. It took me a minute but then I saw the glint of amusement in his eyes. "Are you jealous? Do you like him?"

I thought Tobi was going to lunge across the table and attack him but instead he just shook his head. "No way! And there's no way I'd be jealous of _you_. I don't see how you can even like him!" He folded his arms and slouched in his chair, looking immensely like he was sulking.

"Whatever," I muttered, closing my eyes almost all the way with a small smile on my lips. "Anyway, I'm gunna be out of school tomorrow and Friday." I tried not to look at Tobi while I said that, thinking abut how happy he must be that I was going to be gone.

"Why?" Konan asked conversationally, passing Pein one of her sushi. "Here, I'm not all that hungry." He thanked her and accepted it, giving her a sickly sweet smile. I rolled my eyes and looked up at the ceiling.

"My mom wants me to go somewhere with her," I told them casually. "I'm not entirely sure where but probably nowhere fun – after all, that's the only reason why parents keep you home instead of taking you to school. Well, that and when you're sick…"

"True…" Kisame agreed, looking like he was thinking something over. "Oh, this weekend, my dad told me that I was supposed to invite you all over. Something about a late birthday present. It kinda bites that he missed my birthday and is now making it up to me a month later."

"That's the price when your father works around the world as a business man," Itachi reminded him, sounding sympathetic. "But on the upside, I already know what he's got planned." Kisame looked horrified. I almost laughed.

"You weren't supposed to say anything!" Kakuzu cried and then calmed himself down. "Hey, Hidan, I was curious…"

"Curiosity killed the cat," I snapped quickly, cutting him off before he could say anything else. "So don't be." He laughed at me. I swear, more people had been laughing at me lately than they had in my entire life.

"I just wanted to know when your birthday is," he panted, trying to catch his breath after his laughing fit. I almost immediately tensed up, glaring at him. "What? Is it that close?"

"Today's my birthday," I admitted through gritted teeth. These people were unpredictable. So I should've expected the worst. But, sadly, not even knowing that they were arbitrary could have saved me.

"No fucking way, un! Why didn't you tell me?!" Deidara screamed, sounding both betrayed and excited. "Now I have to come up with something _fast_, un…" His boyfriend tapped his shoulder and he looked over at him. "Hmm?" The redhead whispered something in his ear and I flinched away from the blonde when I saw the mischievous smile on his face. He giggled happily. "You're so mean, Danna."

The bell rang and I sprang from my seat, saying goodbye to everyone, before I sprinted to my locker. I had hoped that they hadn't ever wanted to know my birthday because at that point, I'd never have to worry about things like this. But, alas, all good things had to come to an end. I'd concealed my birth date well enough until now, so I had to face whatever they came up with. I sighed as I walked sulkily to study hall.

It had become a quick habit since Christmas to take out my drawing utensils as soon as I was at my desk. Through the whole class, I usually just drew. However, today, I couldn't concentrate. There were a few things on my mind that just wouldn't go away. There was what my friends would be doing to me in the next week or so, what my mom wanted to do with me tomorrow, and then when all my happiness would end – because I knew it had to. Eventually, I gave up thinking and concentrating all together. Instead, I flipped to a fresh page and just zoned as I let my pencil wander the page.

The bell suddenly rang and I jumped in my seat, startled. I glanced down at the paper and almost immediately slammed the book shut. Shakily, I put it away and ambled out of the classroom to Human Biology. Honestly, my mind was basically numb at that point. It had very little to do with how boring the class had been (and I was so glad that I would be out of there next week when the semester changed). I took my seat in the class and stared at the board blankly as the teacher erased what was up there from the last class.

Now I had something new to think about.

And, yes, I did notice the strange look Sasori gave me when he walked in.

* * *

When I got home that afternoon, I took off my shoes and dashed up the stairs to my room. I unzipped my backpack and pulled out my sketchbook. For a minute, I just stared at it, wondering if I really wanted to open it and pull out that picture. Finally, I flipped it open and turned to the picture I'd drawn earlier. I ripped it out and grabbed a free tack from my bulletin board wall. One last glance at the page and I found an empty space, tacking it onto the wall. Turning away from the wall, I picked up my sketchbook and closed it, ignoring the picture that stared out at me.

Yes, I often found that the things in my mind scared me more than anything else in the world. Of course, half the time I knew that most of it wasn't real. But there were times that I just couldn't escape the feeling of fear no matter how good my life became. There were times that my lunacy would overtake everything in my mind and I would drown in emotions that I often could not explain. And there were times where I just gave up all control and hope.

That picture that stared down at me in all it's sinister influence, told me that I was wrong for ever doing that. If I could help it, I wouldn't ever give into my fear, my insanity. I would never give up my power and optimism. But only if I could help it and there was no guarantee that I would be able to. As I sat down at my desk to start on my English, I glanced at the picture again, as if I couldn't help it.

There was what looked like tentacles that weaved their way through the page, completely avoiding the stoic face in the center. The eyes seemed to be what held all power, the only things that weren't shadowed on the face besides that smile. Though just a picture, I could see the wisdom, hate and darkness within the eyes. Maybe that's what scared me the most – the face belonged to someone, someone I didn't know but somebody who knew me.

* * *

_**A/N: You'll be happy to know that I know most of what's going to happen next. Now it's just a matter of getting it in order and putting on my computer in story format…**_

_**Anyway, this took me so long because I started with something that I was actually going to reveal later so I had to start over from scratch. Man, that last chapter completely threw me off. But I finally finished the chapter and I read through it a few times SLOWLY so I could catch any mistakes. I actually like the turn out of this chapter. **_

_**Oh, quick note: I'm not basing Hidan's school system on a real one (I botched that idea a long time ago). So please don't bother me about it. I just put stuff in that I remember when it's convenient. Sorry.**_

_**Well, please review. **_


	10. Ten

**Ten**

**

* * *

**_**Hi. Yes, it's really Darkmoonphase. Yes, I really am alive. It's been forever and I hope you all haven't given up. I'm back and I'm excited to get working on this again. I've missed writing my stories...**_

_**Well, hope you all still enjoy my work. I hope I can still live up to your expectations. If you notice any difference, check my profile before you ask me about it, please. **_

_**Anyway, here goes. The long awaited chapter ten...**_

_**

* * *

**Tuck yourself into the shadows now_

_Remember everything good you've done today_

_Think of your favorite song_

_And hum it as you fall into a very deep sleep_

_Swim through every memory you have_

_Dance with every dream you can remember_

_Sing with all of your favorite songs_

_And forget that you were ever awake_

_Listen_

_Can you hear them?_

_They're whispering something to you_

_They say..._

_Goodnight_

_And others say..._

_Wake up!_

_Don't listen to the others_

_You're comfortable in your sleep_

_Listen to the real voices_

_The ones in your mind_

_They'll let you remember_

_Let you dance with your dreams_

_Let you sing_

_As long as you forget that you were ever awake_

_They whisper to you..._

_They say..._

_Goodnight

* * *

_

It's hard to remember why you were ever so happy when the depression hits again. All that pain that you'd been hiding resurfaces and all you can do is try to breathe. All those memories you'd buried dig their way out to haunt you. You feel miserable again. And in the moment, you wonder if anything can ever bring you back out of it.

I was lying in bed Friday night, ignoring the eyes that stared at me from the page on my wall. I was staring at my glow-in-the-dark stars again. Tears streaked my face noiselessly and I took a shuddering breath. I had friends now, I somewhat had a life to live. But memories were still within me, burning in the back of my mind angrily and threatening everyone around me with the truth. I closed my eyes, trying to block out the image of Kakuzu's face when he found out what I'd been hiding; Deidara's blue eyes tainted with accusations.

"But I didn't do it..." I whispered helplessly as the onslaught of memories swept in and dragged me under. I clutched at my chest and curled into a tight ball, wishing with all my might that I hadn't made that promise.

* * *

"How are you today, Hidan?" my mom asked brightly the next morning as she handed me my breakfast. I stared blankly at it before accepting it and sitting down.

Shrugging, I muttered, "Alright. Tired, I guess. I didn't sleep well last night..."

"Nightmares?" she inquired sympathetically. She'd always known about them - she'd just never known what to do about them. I nodded miserably. "I'm sorry. You know, I was thinking about...about taking you to see someone about those."

I looked up at her, startled and hopeful. "You mean...like a therapist?" It felt like an empty hope inside me but I needed that hope. It was something to hold onto, something that would keep my head above the surface for awhile. Even if I knew that for the most part it was useless to think that I could get help for being crazy. My only help had been and always would be the institution. She smiled in that mischievously smug way and I grinned, jumping up. "No way! What about Dad? He'd never agree..."

She put a finger to her lips and said, "What he doesn't know, will only help you." She patted my back and then wandered into the living room, grabbing one of her magazines as she went. "Now eat something, will you?"

It was something that I'd never thought anyone would consider. The first thought was always to see what was wrong with me and then when they found out, they'd lock me away. This time...This time, I was getting a chance. I was getting a say in something. I shoved a piece of toast into my mouth hurriedly and dashed upstairs, grabbing my cell phone. I was seconds away from texting Deidara when I paused. Suddenly I kind of felt emotionally exhausted.

I couldn't tell anyone. I couldn't even tell Deidara - especially not him. He'd probably be jealous that I was getting help without really saying much. He'd been hiding his secret for his entire life and no one had helped him. I set my phone down and sat heavily on my bed. No one had helped him...

I couldn't imagine. Losing it once or twice guaranteed that I'd be noticed and, in one way or another, I could be helped. No one would ever guess what was going on inside his head. He kept that smile plastered to his face and listened to the only good voice in his head he had. I was jealous of that voice, honestly. It was something I'd never had; it was something I'd never experienced. And I'd been more dangerous that way. I looked down at my hands. I was still dangerous.

Looking behind me at the wall, I knew that my hope of therapy was in vain. I'd been living with too many demons for far too long.

_"Bye, Mommy..."_

I sighed. It had been _far _too long. I sprawled backward on my bed and stared at the little plastic stars on my ceiling. Slowly, I was getting wrapped up in memories I'd thought I'd buried too deep to remember so clearly. Last time I'd tried, they hadn't been very clear and it had resulted in a headache...

Suddenly, my phone vibrated next to my head and I jumped. It was Kakuzu. I halfheartedly smiled at the text asking if I wanted to go do something today. Glancing swiftly around my room, I agreed to go. I needed to get away. I need a distraction. Frowning at how well Kakuzu could distract me and make me feel normal, I went to my closet and grabbed my shoes.

_"Key word, _feel_, Hidan," _Kristopher reminded me as I hurried out of my room to tell my mom that I was going out.

I frowned. _I know, I know, _I thought sadly and a bit impatiently. He reminded me constantly of this fact. And I hated it. I made a face and sat down on the couch in the living room. All I wanted was to have one day where I wasn't reminded every second of my life that I was technically certifiably insane. My schizophrenia had reached its peak a long time ago, morphing into something that I wasn't sure could be named – something of a mix of the disease and multiple personality disorder. I had decided a long time ago, as well, that I couldn't care. It wasn't possible. If I did, that last bit of sanity I might have would snap and I would fall to pieces.

After all, right now, at least I knew the difference between reality and my own little world. I knew that certain things I did could potentially hurt those I cared most about – that's why I tried so hard to protect them. But if I lost that last shred of sanity, it would be all over. There would be no difference in anything between my mind and reality. And I couldn't stand to think about those I would hurt. I literally shuddered to think about all their broken expressions if I lost it. _All my hard work would be for nothing…_

"_It's not just _your _hard work. You can't take credit for it all," _Jay muttered in my ear. A horn honked outside and I jumped, peeking out the window to see Kakuzu sitting impatiently in his car. I sighed – partially in relief and partially in annoyance – before I got up and walked out the door. I could do this. It was just another day. Jay snickered and I frowned. The voices were awfully loud today. That was worrisome.

"Hello," Kakuzu greeted pleasantly as I climbed into his car. "I decided to surprise you today."

I glanced at him, eyebrows raised. "Surprise me?"

His eyes crinkled and I could tell he was grinning beneath that mask that hid his marvelous tattoos. "We're going to see a movie. And I already picked so there." And before I could really process this, we were off. I smiled when I remembered something that Deidara had said once about Kakuzu.

I'm not entirely sure what it was but something shut up the voices for the rest of the afternoon.

* * *

"Do you realize this is a huge milestone, un?" Deidara inquired seriously, looking at me earnestly as we walked down the hall Monday morning. "This is, like, major! He never buys anything he doesn't have to, un!"

I pursed my lips. "Deidara, maybe he thinks he has to then…." That stung a little. How far would he go to impress me when he didn't have to? Didn't he realize that I liked him anyway? After all, he liked me for what he knew me to be. That hurt a little bit too. He didn't know all of me and he never would – no matter what.

Deidara shook his head. "No, I don't believe that, un. He's not like that." Pausing, he grabbed my arm and dragged me into a little nook between two rows of lockers; I was pretty sure the door behind him was a janitor's closet. "Hidan, you look exhausted, un. Is everything okay?"

I gave him a pained look. "I'm never okay. You of all people should know that." And it was true. Sunday had been a very long and disastrous day. I had locked myself in my room and had refused to come out until I got too hungry to stand. It had been one of those days where I'd felt less out of control than ever before. I had to admit that it had been a long time since I'd felt that I needed to be confined like that. And it would be a lie if I said it didn't scare me.

"I'm sorry, un," Deidara whispered, glancing over my shoulder at the throng of students hurrying to classes. "I guess I do know. But…I hope every day that something's different, un. Not just for you but myself as well."

"And it never is," I replied in the same soft tone, staring down at the tile. "We should get to class…." And before he could respond, I turned and hurried away. How could he hope like that? Where did all that hope come from? It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that he could smile without pain. It wasn't fair that he could be so optimistic when he too struggled. It made my mind shriek with fury and give me an overwhelming urge to tear that smile violently from his face. I was jealous and furious and there was a very thin line between the two when I was that angry.

I turned left, away from my classroom and disappeared into a bathroom. I hid in a stall, pressing my forehead against the cool walls and struggled to catch my breath. Before I did anything else, I needed to try and regain control of myself. _"Since when have you _ever _been in control?" _Sky snapped angrily, fueling a fire I thought I almost had extinguished. _"You're just a little puppet – a toy and nothing else. How _dare _you hope for your future?"_

Letting out a strangled moan, I squeezed my eyes shut. He was right and I hated that. I hated how the voices knew everything inside of me and tormented me with it. I hated how I could just fall to it – I was weak in the sense that I would listen to them. I would not only believe them but become what they said I was; until I was no more myself but a twisted version of what they believed I should be. _Or, _I thought, _something I feared I'd become seven years ago. That's what started this, isn't it?_

"Naturally," _she _whispered haughtily. "And here I thought you'd forgotten all about me." I turned my head ever so slightly and saw _her _perched lightly on the edge of the toilet seat, smiling in a dementedly bright way.

I caught my breath and whispered, "How could I forget you, _Amaya_? I made a promise to you…" She was so real, slowly getting up to stand next to me. She lightly put her hand on my shoulder. The sensation brought back fury, fear and an emotion I refused to name. "And I intend to keep that promise."

"Even if it slowly tears you apart?" she hissed in my ear, bringing her hand down to rest on my arm. The unnamed emotion was raging, threatening me. "Even if my memory haunts and torments you long after you've lost every shred of sanity inside of you?" Her voice was becoming more venomous.

I let out a shuddered breath. "Don't, please don't," I whimpered, trying not to look at her and failing miserably. "You're just a memory right now. Please, just leave me be." My head was starting to hurt; it started in the back of my head but was slowly moving forward to consume my entire body. Her presence was stroking the fire again and I started shivering, trying to fight powerful emotions – emotions almost too powerful for me.

"After you took everything I had and left me for dead, Hidan…?" The way she said my name hurt painfully; it let loose a monster within me that I'd locked up for seven years.

I growled angrily. "I _let_ you live!" I stood up straight, jerking my arm away from her and facing her down. She didn't flinch, just continued to smile in that demonic way.

"Out of spite, you let me live!" she spat. Her words hit me hard and I almost doubled up. "You're selfish – always have been and always will be. You thought you could start new here but you will never forget me. You promised you wouldn't forget me. Everything here reminds you of me and you know it. Don't make me the monster when you know you are."

I frowned, feeling a numbness wash over me. She was right. I leaned back against the stall door, staring weakly at her_. _I was in so much pain, I felt like I was going to be sick soon. My head throbbed and my body was beginning to hurt as well. I felt like I was drowning and it wasn't one of the pleasurable times I was doing so. "I'm the monster and I will never forget you, Amaya." I blinked and was staring at air where she'd been standing moments before. "I will never forget you. I promised. I promised…." And then I was over the toilet, throwing up through all my miseries.

The worst part was, I hadn't even made it to first period.

* * *

_**A/N: Well, this took me forever so I hope – while I'm very unsure – that this kept the feeling the other chapters hold. I'm sorry that this chapter took forever and a decade to exist. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, look at my profile and then feel free to drop off a review. Hope you guys are still hanging around. **_

_**Happy New Year! :D**_


	11. Eleven

**Eleven**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or characters thereof.**

**

* * *

**In ways, life was simpler before I had friends. It was easier before my fifth family. At least everyone else had known who I'd been. I hadn't had to pretend for anyone. Now I was trapped – cornered, it felt – because of my new ties. These people didn't know me. They didn't know the struggles I had. They didn't know the mistakes I'd made. In a way, I knew I'd done this to myself. I'd put up as many walls as I could to keep them all out. I could protect them.

I could protect myself.

But it was no good now. I had no one I could turn to now. I had to face these new pains all alone. And I couldn't let anyone know. Why? Because I'd trapped myself for a reason – all my work would not be in vain. I would protect those I cared most about. I wouldn't hurt anyone again. I wouldn't risk hurting myself again.

And I would do anything to achieve this.

My heart was pounding rapidly in my chest as I lifted my head and looked above the toilet I was still hovering over. My body was aching and throbbing all over. I had to be sick. I shook my head, ignoring the hammering it caused. The hallucinations were back, tale-tell sign that I was losing it again. Not that I'd ever been sane to begin with. Sighing, I retched again and wondered if I'd ever get to leave the bathroom.

While I sat there, trying to catch my breath again, I started thinking. Well, I suppose strategizing would be a better word. I'd already known that I'd have to distance myself from my friends but I'd never taken the time to decide how. I wasn't good at that. I liked going in unprepared – usually. I was how I generally worked. But not this time. This time, that wouldn't work. I had to be prepared and I had to do this right.

In my life, I'd always tried to hide away. I'd never wanted to be noticed. I'd never wanted to get close to people. Not since Amaya. Amaya had been the exception and I'd never wanted another exception. I shouldn't have gotten so caught up with Deidara and Kakuzu. It was a stupid mistake but I would have to fix that. I couldn't stay so close to them. I could _not _keep leading Kakuzu on. I refused to let him think that we'd have any sort of future together when I knew we didn't.

But there was more to it. I couldn't risk getting sent back to the Institute. I flinched when I thought about it. It had been terrifying. I'd felt like I was being pushed farther away from sanity in that stupid white room. I'd felt like I would be driven to the breaking point – it would have been worse than before I'd been put away. I spit into the toilet, hating that phrase. I'd always thought I'd been referred to as a deranged dog when they said "put away" with all that contempt in their voices.

I wouldn't go back. I would cut off all ties to stay where I was. I would put up with all of the glares heated with hatred at school and I would tell lies to my mother to keep her at bay. There was no way I'd go back to that place. Not if I had any chance at staying.

* * *

_Amaya smiled up at me, trusting me completely despite the fact that she knew what I was. She knew I was an untreated schizophrenic. But she still trusted me. We walked up to my house and went inside. We often spent hours sitting in the living room doing homework or watching TV or just talking. _

_Today was different, however. I knew it and I was surprised she couldn't feel it. The voices had been chattering away all day and I'd listened, somewhat intently. I didn't like what they were planning – they had no set time. I'd thought throughout the day that they would take over but no such luck yet. I was still tense. I'd tried telling her to go home and not come with me. But it didn't work. She thought I was being silly. She couldn't understand why I was acting so weird. She wanted to comfort me._

_I was beyond comforting. I was too lost in my panic to listen to her "comforting" words. _

_My parents weren't home, as per usual. That's generally why we stayed in the living room – so the neighbors could see that we were being good little children. We originally started in the living room like usual. My intentions were to stay there. We started on homework, talking idly about stupid teachers and such. But we didn't stay in there nearly long enough. Jay took over for a few minutes, casually suggesting we go to my room for awhile. _

_As they'd predicted, she eagerly accepted the invite. I'd never showed her my room before. I regretted it. We wandered down the hall to my room. I held the door open for her and then followed inside, closing the door behind me. I pressed myself up against the door and relished in the break where I had control over my mind. Then Sky took over. He explained a few items that were on my shelves or dresser, pausing to elaborate on my alter for Jashin. _

_I hated the expression on her face. It was brief but it showed how horrified she was. Then she quickly composed herself and commented on how it was interesting. Sky snickered and taunted her with the idea that she knew it wasn't, that she was scared. Then he started going off about how she should be. How she should be terrified and should try to run. How he'd hunt her down and it would all just be a fun game. I – he – laughed loudly. She shrank back a little and inched toward the door. _

_But I grabbed her wrist earnestly. "Don't go yet," I whispered sadistically, tracing an unidentifiable doodle on her arm with my free hand. "The fun has only just begun." And then, rather casually, I reached behind me and grabbed my dagger from on top of my dresser where it sat beside my alter._

_I think that's about when she started crying. Inside my head, I was screaming. I was furious and scared. I didn't want this to be happening. I wanted to wake up and have this just be a terrible nightmare._

_But it wasn't. And it had only just begun anyway._

_I took the dagger to her skin and let the point hover just above her arm. She told me that this wasn't a funny joke, she pleaded with me to take back control, she begged me to stop. But I, personally, couldn't do anything. Sky was going to have his sick fun whether I wanted it or not. And I didn't want it._

_Then I stuck the tip into the first, maybe, three layers of her skin. It wasn't deep but I knew it would be enough to sting. It would be enough to draw blood. I dragged it along, doodling the same way I had been a few minutes ago. She was crying but wouldn't move, as if afraid that if she so much as flinched, the dagger would "slip". _

_I tried to block out what he was doing after that. Inside my head, I closed my eyes and pretended I couldn't hear her screaming at him to stop. When I was aware of Kristopher trading places with Sky, I opened my eyes again to regret it. She was a mess. Blood trickled down her face and arms, her shirt had been removed and idle patterns had been sketched into her skin. The sick part of it was that not once had that blade gone anywhere near where her heart lay. Her pants had also been removed and there were little sketches down her legs. She was lying in a heap at my feet, staring up at me with watery eyes and an expression that wounded me deeply. _

_She looked vulnerable and young. She looked terrified. I bent down beside her and started cooing about how it was all her fault that she was in this mess to begin with. If she'd taken my warnings seriously when we'd first met – the ones where I'd tried to tell her that it was a bad idea to get involved with me – she wouldn't have to pay now. Kristopher could hold a grudge, I'd learned that that day._

_Amaya whimpered and told me that she didn't know what I was talking about. That she didn't understand. She closed her eyes and I knew she just didn't _want _to understand. I started casually playing with one of her bra straps while I explained how the voices were in control. They didn't approve of me having friends. They didn't think that they would be good for me – they'd destroy everything they'd molded me into. I would no longer be me. _

_I yanked down her bra strap and just stared at her. Then I reached behind her and undid the bra. She whispered something I didn't quite catch but Kristopher was uninterested at that point and didn't ask for clarification. Instead, he removed the article of clothing and set it aside, staring hungrily at her. _

_I wanted to blank out. I didn't want to watch this. But I wasn't lucky enough at that point. I had to deal with my hands removing her underwear and then my hands groping her, touching everywhere. I had to listen to her cry and whine. I had to watch myself hold her thrashing body down. _

_It was only then that I was able to squeeze my eyes shut. I heard her scream get cut off as I disappeared, ignoring everything. I refused to know what happened to her after that._

_But I woke up. I had to at some point. When I did, I was in control again. I was on my knees a few feet away from where her nude and mutilated body was curled into a corner. I whispered her name, afraid she was dead but, more than anything, afraid she was alive. Her head twitched ever so slightly and a wide eye fell upon my face. My heart sank. I started frantically whispering apologies, wanting her to understand. I wanted her to know that I hadn't meant what I'd done._

_However, fate was against me. She started screaming obscenities at me. And the inevitable words, "You're a monster, Hidan! If you weren't so afraid of yourself, you would be able to fix it all. You wouldn't be this way. You're insane, you're horrible. A freak. A disaster. A fucking monster! I hate you. I should have listened. I should have stayed away. You don't deserve friends! You don't deserve anyone who cares!"_

_There was a heavy silence after that in which I heard sirens and panicked. I couldn't let it end this way. I had to make it up to her somehow. "I won't forget you, Amaya. I won't forget what my cage of a body has done to you." I paused and then added with a note of finality, "I promise."_

_"You deserve to suffer," she hissed venomously. The next thing I knew, the police were inside. The soaked up the scene and wasted no time in arresting me. After forcing me into some jeans, I was taken into custody._

_I don't remember my case very well. It was unusual and I generally tried to block it out. The judge was ready to give me an adult sentence for rape and attempted murder - although that second part was a lie. Then Kristopher broke through and started screaming at everyone. He told them that I was insane; they were talking to him and not me. He told them so many things. And in the end, the court ruled me mentally unsound. I would be put in juvie for a year and an institute for another. If, by chance, my condition were to improve, I had the potential to be let out on time or early. If not, I had the potential of several years in that asylum._

_My parents withdrew their guardianship over me after they'd signed the papers. They didn't want me anymore. The fucking liars. They'd lied to me. They'd told me they'd care even if this happened. I suppose they hadn't really expected it, however. And I'm sure as hell they didn't expect me to go mental enough to rape a girl._

_But I had. Or rather, it looked as though I had. I sat in juvie for my year. I did what I was told and only fought back the other kids when I was sure a guard was looking away. Interestingly enough, I was sent to the Institute early. _

_I remember that room. It was my room and I'm sure that if I went back, it would still be there waiting for me. It was simple enough, white and padded. Of course, I didn't start there. I started in one of the "good" rooms. It had a bed and a sink and was much like juvie only the people were nicer and I didn't have a cellmate. I went to therapy when told. But their words were evil. I hated them all for what they said to me. They told me it was okay to be crazy, that the voices weren't real and I didn't have to listen to them._

_They were wrong, oh so wrong. And I would prove it to them. In a way, I wanted them to be right. I wanted to soak up their words and believe them to the point that they would magically work. Kristopher, Sky, and Jay despised their words. They reminded me on a daily basis that all those sessions I went to were lies. There was a point where I honestly wondered if I was living in a dream, that I wasn't in a reality anymore. That was when I screamed at them. I told them they were all wrong. I told them that they couldn't keep me locked up for long. I told them the voices were real and nothing they said could keep them at bay. I'm pretty sure I hit a few people too._

_I said and did it all under the idea that I was not, in fact, living in reality. So it struck me as odd when I ended up in the padded cell. I was confused and angry. Nothing was going right. I felt helpless and hopeless. All I could see was white. That first day was one of the worst. There were these built in florescent lights that let off a very annoying buzzing sound. I remember staring up at them for several hours, contemplating how I would get up there when I currently had a straight jacket on and no means to get that high. I wanted to be that high. I needed to be up there because that's where the lights were and that's where the glass – or maybe plastic – would be. That's where my freedom would lie._

_Then the lights went off and I was plunged into darkness. Caught off guard, I started panicking. I didn't like the dark. The shadows moved and writhed and the voices whispered in my ears and I swear I could feel their breath down my neck. I went wild, desperate for a light of some sort. I started screaming and thrashing. "I want out!" I screeched over and over until my voice was almost completely gone. I threw myself against my walls, with no real effect, until I didn't have the strength to get back up. I ended up staring at the ceiling blankly, unable to ignore my fears that crept up on me. They slid around me and made my skin crawl._

"_I want out…" I whispered again and again throughout the night. Not once did I sleep that first night. I was too scared to close my eyes. I was afraid that I wouldn't be me the next morning; I was afraid of my dreams; I was afraid that if I fell asleep, I might miss the light coming back on. Instead, I just lay there whispering those three words continuously until I saw the light again. Even then, I waited a good hour to make sure that it wasn't going to flicker off before I fell into a restless sleep._

_I did this for the good part of the year – envisioning what it would be like to murder myself with the glass from the florescent light above me and panicking at night. I did add praying dutifully to Jashin to my list of things I did while locked up in that cell. In fact, praying took up the better part of my day and sometimes calmed me enough at night that I would stop my thrashing early. It was during this time in the cell that imaginary pressure started pushing down on me, consuming me. It scared me and it threatened to take me over the edge – where absolutely nothing would be real anymore. This was such the case when I started seeing the voices before me as they spoke. Sometimes they'd be talking to me but more often than not they'd be talking to each other. It unnerved me. _

_But I controlled myself and by the end of the year, I had stopped thrashing at night. I contained myself to whisperings in the night instead of open conversations during the day. I stopped threatening the people who gave me my food and took me to the bathroom. I stopped glaring at the guards who stood attention by my door. I'd forced myself to calm down. The voices calmed themselves down as well – to the point that I thought they might actually be going away. When my sentence was up, they tested me and deemed me sane enough to leave. Apparently, I'd been put under surveillance as well and a couple was waiting to adopt me. I thought this was odd but didn't object, wanting more than anything to just start over. I just wanted a brand new life to live._

_I went through three other homes before I ended up where I was today.

* * *

_

Eventually, I stopped vomiting enough to stumble my way to the office to explain why I wasn't in first period. Then I was sent to the nurse where I called my mom and asked her to pick me up. I couldn't stop thinking while I lay there. I'd come to some sort of loose decision about what I was to do with my friends. I figured that Deidara would be easy enough to fend off with harsh words and his boyfriend would just follow – he listened quite well to the blonde despite being such a stuck-up bastard. I was sure that everyone else would follow suit if I gave them the cold shoulder long enough. It was Kakuzu that would be the problem. I was sure that if I told him off, he would refuse to listen to me. He was used to harassing, mean, and dark words. I wouldn't be able to fool him under that pretense. If anything, I would just piss him off more.

But he wouldn't leave. I somehow had to convince him that I was pointless. I frowned deeply, contemplating that. I knew that I was worthless. I knew that my friends were stupid for being my friends. Yet, I couldn't begin to decide how I would be able to convey this to Kakuzu. It seemed rather impossible without letting him know who I really was. And I couldn't risk that. I couldn't risk anyone knowing anything more about me. I had to shake them all off. I had to get them to all hate me.

Something deep within me twisted painfully at the idea. I'd begun to like Kakuzu – a lot and that was dangerous. It was not only dangerous for him but for myself. I had put myself in a scary situation with him and I needed out. I would not relive past experiences.

I guessed that I would just need to give Kakuzu a repeat of his own. I needed to tell him off in a similar way Sasori had. Re-inflicted wounds hurt most, after all.

* * *

_**A/N: Wow. Hidan sounds rather selfish in this chapter… **_

_**I did finally put in what the crap is up with Hidan. What the deal is with Amaya and the asylum and all that fun stuff. And I'm finally getting around to something near the end of the story, I believe. I'm not entirely sure this will be much longer… **_

_**Anyway, I hope that this story made up for the last one (because I didn't feel that I did a very good job with it). I also hope you now understand my precaution with bumping up the rating to M. Ha-ha. **_

_**Thanks so much for all the reviews, favorites, and alerts I got last time. I really appreciate them. It makes me feel like this story hasn't completely gone to crap. XD So, please review and tell me what you think of this chapter. :) **_


	12. Twelve

**Twelve**

The rest of that day was torturous.

I went home and was trapped in my room all day. The only time my mom would let me out was when I had to stumble my way to the bathroom. Being confined in that room made thinking hard. I was tackled with memories of blindingly white walls and my voices screaming my worthlessness over and over. I was so grateful when I finally fell asleep. My dreams were haunting but familiar. Nightmares. Memories. Things I could stand - even if the night was restless.

The next morning brought a little less than misery. I was feeling better and my mom deemed me well enough to go to school. So I went through my regular routine of getting ready. It wasn't until breakfast that the thought hit me hard: _I was going to lose Kakuzu_. I hadn't really put much thought behind it so I hadn't realized how much it actually hurt. I couldn't finish my breakfast after that. My stomach was pretty much empty as I wandered to the bus stop about five or so minutes later. But I refused to be miserable because I knew Deidara had keen eyes. He would notice if anything was wrong. Being the master of pretend smiles, I knew I failed to convince Deidara that I was okay. "I guess I ate something that didn't quite agree with me yesterday," I explained with a slight - and very fake, even to my ears - laugh.

"Or your super stressed, un," he suggested, giving me a half-smug, half-knowing smile. The glint in his eye told me he didn't believe a word I was spewing. Sasori arrived then and occupied his attention fully. When the bus finally came, I was too relieved to even sigh about it. The ride to school was relatively quiet and I felt so wound up, if someone even touched a finger to my shoulder, I would probably spring out of my seat and hit my head on the ceiling. It was taking all of my energy to try and calm down. After all, I wasn't going to do anything today except go through the regular routine. This thought calmed me down some, though not enough. Deidara tapped my shoulder to ask my something and I jumped several inches off my seat. He raised his eyebrows. "Uptight much?"

I frowned. "I guess more so than I thought I was," I muttered unwillingly. As an afterthought, I tacked on, "I'm actually pretty psyched to see Kakuzu today because I didn't get a chance to yesterday." And this was true. My words made me smile happily and want to punch myself in the face at the same time. Feelings were so unfair. Deidara grinned like a schoolgirl and Sasori gave me an untrusting look - probably because he had the right to now. I just smiled cockily back at him. As soon as I was off the bus, I went off to find Kakuzu. Before we'd gotten together, I'd find him with the rest of our friends. But now we had a place to meet. It was this little nook between the stairs and the wall on the west side of the commons area. He was sitting against the wall, his feet propped up against the base of the stairs. I smiled serenely as I wandered over and sat down next to him. For a minute, we said nothing. But I was sick of silences so I broke it first. "I'm sorry I missed you yesterday - went home sick."

His hand found mine and I eagerly held onto it. "Feeling better today?"

I grinned. "Depends. Physically, my stomach is fine. Emotionally...exhausted. I didn't think missing you one day would impact so hard." My smile slipped because it was true. All day yesterday, I'd wanted him near; wanted him to hold me and tell me that I would be better when I woke up.

"I almost texted you to make sure you were still alive but school kept me busy and then my dad was pushing me to finish this stupid project with him," he answered, seeming to know that I had been kind of curious as to why he hadn't texted me. "So, I'm sorry. Glad you're better today."

I turned my head and our eyes met. His bright green eyes that were currently reflecting that blood red somehow. And I reached over and hugged him so hard, I felt all my muscles that had been weakened from yesterday were going to snap with the effort. He hugged back with the same passion, more strength. "You know, I don't think we've gotten farther than lying side by side? This is new..."

"I like it," I whispered, a hint of mischief sneaking into my voice.

"What do you want?" he teased as we pulled back so we could stare at each other. I wasn't sure he'd like what I wanted but I was going to demand it anyway. I'd never seen him without his mask on at school. Carefully, I looped my fingers over the rim of his mask and tugged it down. He sucked in a sharp breath and his eyes widened a little.

"They're still amazing," I breathed against his now visible lips. It occurred to me that I'd never been this voluntarily seductive without alternative objectives. I wasn't sure if I liked it or not but decided to just go with it.

"Actually, I think the first time you saw them you said they were 'wicked cool'," Kakuzu reminded me with a smirk. He didn't seem upset though so I felt a little more confident.

I half-shrugged. "Well, either way." Then I leaned a little closer. "There's something else we haven't really done for real..." He cocked an eyebrow and when he grinned, I knew he'd understood. "Ready or not..." I crashed my lips against his and wrapped my arm around his neck happily. Slowly, almost hesitantly, he returned the embrace. Our lips parted ever so slightly and a soft sigh escaped his mouth, breathing in a hope I'd wanted to demolish. But I needed this. I needed one last hit before I quit. After another few moments, we broke apart. However, our lips continued to hover near each other's. It was a mirrored wish to never let time continue on. The bell rang and I turned my head toward the stairs and exhaled heavily.

Our arms stayed wrapped around the other's body for another minute or so before Kakuzu muttered, "I suppose we should get to class then..." I looked at him and he smiled. Reminded of how much I loved his smile, I returned the gesture as we struggled to our feet. Hands still interlocked, he pulled his mask back up and we left our nook. "I'll see you at lunch, okay?"

"Always," I told him with a sincerity I knew must come from my own experience. As we walked our separate ways, I whispered, "Just as I will see you in my dreams forever."

* * *

"Okay, so a trip to America," Tobi was saying conversationally at lunch later. "All of us. Input?"

It was quiet for a minute and then, typical Kakuzu, stated, "Money. That's not a cheap trip."

Tobi snorted. "I know that. My parents want to take us. They want to go to New York or San Francisco. The only money you'd have to have is for random snacks and gift shop crap." He shrugged.

I thought about this. It was so tempting. He was offering me something I'd wanted for years - if not to live in America, then to visit it at least. But I wouldn't be friends with them by the time this trip was supposed to happen. They'd been talking about what to do over summer and I'd blatantly refused to participate in the conversation. I'd already decided that I couldn't stay friends with them for more than about three more weeks at most and that was pushing it. It was depressing now but I had to hold firm. I wasn't going to have a repeat of the past if I could help it. Lost in thought, I hadn't known they'd continued the conversation until Pein looked at me and said, "What do you think, Hidan? Are you in or out?"

"If you've still been going on about that trip to America, I'm out," I replied as casually as I could, throwing one of my legs onto the table and crossing my arms. "Sorry."

They were _all _staring at me. "You were the one who said you wanted to go so bad!" Tobi cried angrily - almost as if he'd cared. A twinge of guilt picked at my heart carefully.

I frowned and turned my attention to the tiles beneath my left foot. "Well, I just can't. I..." I wanted to just say it. I wanted to spit it out and get it over with. I shook my head fiercely. "I just won't be able to go."

It was at this point that Sasori decided to voice his opinion of me. "You're afraid." I paused, my eyes widening slightly. Then I faced him with a glare. "But afraid of what is what I'm working on. To an extent, I think you're afraid of us because we're close to you. Why won't you let anyone get this close?"

My glare melted almost instantly. My first instinct was to run away. But wouldn't that just prove Sasori right? All my friends were waiting for me to tell him that he was wrong and I had no reason for fearing trust between them and me. They were waiting while I decided what to say because I had no easy answer. Finally, I sighed and said, "Look, I've just had problems with trust in the past. You've gotten closer to me than most people have succeeded in doing."

"And you're still distant," Sasori mused, sounding almost like he was purring. I felt like I was easy prey in the eyes of a predator. "What dark secrets do you hide behind those violet eyes?" A small smile played on his lips.

"Knock it off, Sasori!" Kakuzu snapped, and the hypnotizing pale eyes slid away from my face. "Ever since you've _seen _him, you've been giving him grief."

Sasori just shrugged. "Payback for all that crap about Deidara, I suppose."

At first, Kakuzu seemed confused – after all, before he'd met me seemed forever ago. Then he seemed to remember because he looked furious. But something had occurred to me and I saw an easy way out. "Hey, wait a sec!" I chirped, successfully distracting them. "So you said you thought I was afraid of something. Did you have any theories on that?" I tried to sound casual but reached over and grabbed Kakuzu's hand under the table. He squeezed it comfortingly.

Everyone at the table paused. Deidara shot me quick warning look before turning to pick at his food. "Well…Not really. You're extremely closed off and hard to read. I've tried to come up with theories but I'm positive that they're all wrong. You're very…complicated." He seemed frustrated which made me smile serenely.

"That's interesting," I replied just as the bell rang. So I'd been wrong – Sasori had no idea what was wrong with me. But that meant I'd been able to hide my secret extremely well. I stood up with Kakuzu and we walked away from the table with backpacks in our free hands. I glanced guiltily at his face. He was pissed. "Sorry. I wasn't trying to cause problems. I was truly curious…"

"I've noticed…" Kakuzu mused in a faraway voice, his expression hard. "That you don't seem to trust me very much. This morning was quite a surprise – that you'd trust me to hold you. Lately…" Then he paused in walking, pulling me up short. "Can we skip this period?"

I thought briefly about that and then nodded. "Please." We wandered out to a back parking lot, unnoticed by the chaotic crowd. I followed him to his car where we climbed inside. We took off once our seatbelts were both buckled. After a few silent miles, it was clear that we were going nowhere quickly. "So…You want to know what's up with my barriers."

"Something like that," he muttered but he didn't seem extremely pissed off anymore. I stared out the windshield, sifting through my few options. It was hard to decide whether or not to make something up. I wanted to lie to spare him the truth. But the truth could finish this – if I did it right. Suddenly, I didn't want to hurt him the way Sasori had. My ADD mind had come to yet another loose conclusion: If I told him the truth but said he couldn't say anything, I might be able to scare him off. I could make him question his psychological thought process – if he was attracted to a certifiably insane person, what did that say about him? "Hidan?" he asked, pulling me out of my thoughts. "Can't you just trust that I care about you enough that I want to hear what you have to say?"

"It's not that I doubt you want to hear…" I whispered, folding my hands in my lap. "It's that I'm trying to protect two things at once by not saying anything: You and me."

"What do you mean?" he practically demanded, pulling up short at a red light.

I gnawed on my lower lip painfully before I finally came to a decision. "I'm afraid I'll hurt you. Well, I won't but Kristopher will. And your pain will hurt me. So maybe I'm selfish by not wanting to explain…" I hadn't meant for that to sound so crazy.

There was a short pause as the light turned green. "Who's Kristopher again?"

"A voice…" I replied, barely audible. "In my head." I wanted to cry. It sounded terrible."

"Makes it sound like you have more than one," he said, almost turning it into a question. His serene demeanor wasn't helping.

"I have three…" I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to brace myself for the worst.

"So I'm dating a secret schizophrenic?" He still didn't sound upset. "I'm assuming by the fact that you're hiding it, you're not medicated?"

I opened my eyes, surprised. Then I looked at his _amused _face. "You don't think I'm serious?" I inquired, starting to get angry. The worst part was that the voices were laughing.

"Yes and no," Kakuzu responded. "I don't because it seems so odd. You mentioned Kristopher when I first asked you out. You said you knew him, sort of. At the same time, I do think you're serious because of how upset you are. It's a toss-up. Also, why are you so afraid to tell me?"

"Because it puts you in danger!" I cried, trying not to shout in my frustration. "Deidara is in danger already. Look, I'm not always me. Sometimes, Kristopher, or Sky, or Jay will take over and pretend to be me. The last time I was as close to someone as I am you now and Kristopher took over, more than my victim was hurt." I was actually crying now. "Damn it, I'm too selfish to want to hang on. I know it's only a matter of time. I'm too selfish to want to hurt again while you do. At least…if we go our separate ways, it will only be a temporary pain…in the end…"

This caught Kakuzu off guard. "Wait. You want to breakup with me over this?" I nodded miserably. "Then I must be crazy because I don't care if you're a schizophrenic, MPD freak. You're amazing anyway. I've never met anyone like you. Even with our now established trust issues, all I crave all day long is your presence. I crave your voice. I'd listen to anything you had to say if you just tell me everything about you."

I shook my head. I hadn't realized this would hurt so badly. "No. The last time I was so close to someone, I ended up in juvie, Kakuzu!"

He sent me a swift look, full of surprise. "What? Why?"

I bit my tongue, scared. Terrified. Here was where I would fall – either into light or into dark but either way, I had a feeling I would end up falling alone. "I raped a girl."

* * *

**A/N: Cliffhanger... Please review?**


	13. Thirteen

**Afraid of the Dark**

**Thirteen**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or characters thereof. Naruto was written and illustrated by Masashi Kishimoto.**

_I knew it._

_I expected it._

_I wanted it._

_But it still hurts. I threw it all away. For what? For selfishness? He hadn't known. I could have pretended a little longer. Yet, I know that wouldn't be fair. Not to him. Not to me. _

_So where do I go from now? _

_Is there something to look forward to after everything you lived for leaves?

* * *

_

I sat in my room where I'd been for the past four hours. For four hours straight, I'd just been staring outside. I was probably stiff but I refused to move. It seemed surreal. I felt myself leaving. I wasn't really there anymore. My surroundings felt vague. My body felt like a useless sheet of skin that was barely caging my soul inside. The lack of proper reaction over these feelings told me how bad off I really was.

It doesn't matter, though, because I was barely trying for anyone now. I would try for my mom. The only reason for that was that I'd tried for her before Kakuzu came along. But then he'd wandered in and completely turned everything around. He'd turned my own mind against itself again. Just by being him. I flinched at that and then flinched again because I was right about being stiff. Blinking my way out of my daze, I stared around my room. I knew there was an easy way out. There was an easy way for everything. It was just rather selfish and I was starting to wonder how selfish someone could be before it stopped mattering.

_My patience had already been lowered to a dangerous level at the beginning of class; Deidara was really pushing his luck. He laughed and waved the mistletoe above mine and Kakuzu's heads. Kids stopped and started cheering._

_They were expecting the full on, mouth to mouth kind of mistletoe kiss. And like hell I'd give them that satisfaction. I had a better idea. I smiled maliciously and looked at Kakuzu. He instantly became wary. I leaned in and kissed him with his mask still on. I could feel him smile beneath his mask. Cheers turned to whining as I pulled away, shrugged and walked out. Maybe this Christmas stuff wasn't half bad._

My mind whirred, bringing back the images that had made me happy. Well, in a state like this, most of the memories I was getting were about Kakuzu. And that would suit me just fine…If it weren't for the fact that he was the reason I was staring at the altar on my dresser.

_"Sit on the ground!" I huffed and then started laughing at my stupidity. "Okay, fine. I will." He nodded approvingly and we fell into a relaxed silence. I was staring out at some trees when I thought about something and glanced up at the other teen. I opened my mouth to ask when I saw that he'd taken off his mask. Tattooed from the corner of his lips to the end of his jaw were lines with what looked like stitches over them. I closed my mouth, awed._

_"What?" he mumbled, seeing my stare. It seemed to click and he made a face. He reached up and touched the lines on his face. "Believe it or not, I don't regret these. It signifies a lot for me…"_

_"Mending or healing, right?" I asked and he nodded, looking a bit startled. "Figured as much…They're wicked cool though." He smiled and I couldn't help but smile back. It was the first time really seeing his smile and I found that it was pretty contagious. I leaned back on my hands and looked up at the sky with a content sigh._

I stood up, wishing more than anything that I wasn't considering this. I'd tried it once. I'd thought about it for so long. Over and over for a year, I'd thought about it. But I'd never gotten anywhere. This time, I had a chance to be the most selfish I'd ever thought to be. This time, I could actually succeed.

_Our fingers were intertwined and I couldn't look away from those beautiful eyes. How often did we do this? Not enough, that was for sure. However, it being rare made the event even better. Just me and Kakuzu sitting side by side with our hands clasped together. _

_Suddenly, he let go of my hand, wrapped an arm around my shoulder and smiled gently. His fingers tucked themselves under my chin and forced me to look into his eyes. My breath caught as I noticed his face getting closer and closer to mine. All the blood rushed to my face as I braced myself. Gently, his lips met mine. I hadn't been sure what to expect but I couldn't have possibly expected how wonderful it felt to finally have him kiss me. So, after my initial shock, I kissed back. His lips were soft and firm, not expecting much and easily taking over. I liked the way our first kiss felt. When it ended, I grinned. The next smile he gave me was one of the best I'd ever seen on his face._

I wandered over to my dresser. I felt my eyes glaze over as I stared at the dagger sitting there, just within my reach. I stretched a hand out and stroked the handle. It had been awhile since I had been able to hold it. So many memories were attached to it… I carefully picked it up and held it in front of my face, running a finger gently down the blade.

_"Hidan, are you okay?"_

I blinked, confused. That wasn't a memory I was expecting. I bit my lip and set my knife down again, backing away from it before collapsing on the floor. Then I broke down and started sobbing. I hadn't actually cried over this yet so I figured it was about time. After all, wasn't that what you were supposed to do after you got dumped?

* * *

_Mirrors surrounded me. Everywhere I turned, they reflected my terrified expression back. This time, they wasted no time getting to the point of the matter: I was a monster and they portrayed that. My face was black with white making it look like my skeleton was showing through. The reflection showed my tattered clothes and under them, I could see that same black and white skin. I stood there for a long time, slowly accepting what the mirrors framed. Soon, my expression was completely blank. I touched the first mirror within my reach. And instantly, it shattered beneath my fingertips._

_Surprised, I backed up a little bit. As expected, though, there were new mirrors to replace the shattered ones. However, the person staring back at me was not my own. It was Kakuzu. His eyes were regretful and his lips were turned down in a frown. An ache started to present itself in my chest. "Kakuzu…" I whispered, heartbroken._

"_It's because you won't fix yourself," he reminded me, shaking his head slowly. He pressed a hand against his side of the glass. Hesitantly, I reached forward and pressed my own hand against his. He didn't pull away and break the mirror. He just stood there, staring into my eyes sadly. He really did want me. I just wasn't whole enough for him. And we were both all too aware of that. I curled my fingers into a fist and slid down until I was staring at the bottom of the mirror – because technically, there was no ground in a space like this. _

"_I'm sorry…" I said, frustrated. "I'm sorry I can't be good enough. I'm sorry that I'm so unwilling to mend myself. I'm sorry for all my faults. I'm sorry I ran away. Please, don't ever let me hurt you. Ever. Again…"_

_And I sat there for who knows how long. The mirrors reflected only Kakuzu, trapping me inside of a room filled with the only person I was so willing to die for. "Think of a field of flowers…" he suddenly commanded. I looked up at him, confused. He had knelt down to stare intently at me. "Think of a field of _sun_flowers. And you're walking along, too short to see over them. Then, standing in the middle of your path, is a tulip. You stop and stare at it, wondering how it had gotten there. But it's such a pretty flower. It's so unique compared to the really tall flowers you've been looking up at for so long. You pick it. And it's yours. Forever." He smiled. "That's what you are, Hidan. A tulip among sunflowers."_

_This story struck me as odd. Not only because it was a long speech for a dream but also because it was familiar. I frowned, trying to remember why it was familiar. Laughing behind me made me turn my head. One of the mirrors was reflecting something else. It was reflecting my mom – my birth mother – and I when I was three. I stood up and wandered over to it, awed. This was before she'd realized there was something off about me. This was before she'd given me up. She looked so happy compared to my other memory of her. I realized for the first time that her eyes were a dark blue. _

_Tears streaked my face. The tulip story was hers. She's told it to me a year before I'd started acting up. I'd never thought of the irony of the story until that moment. I turned my head back around and stared at Kakuzu. His face was still dark with grief but he was smiling. "Oh, no!" I cried, spinning to face him. _

"_I love you," both my mother and Kakuzu said in unison. I screamed, unwilling to accept what I was seeing; what I was hearing. _

"_Please, no!" I whimpered, completely collapsing. But what little solidity there had been evaporated and I began a very long decent. As I fell, there was nothing to look at. Everything around me was white, blindingly white. I closed my eyes…

* * *

_

…And jolted awake. My heart was pounding rapidly against my rib cage, causing a slight pain. I winced, wiping my face. I was so sick of crying. Mumbling to myself, I sat up and looked around my now pitch black room. Suddenly, a bout of anger hit me hard in the face and I stood up. I didn't care what anyone else said. They all gave me up. For what reason other than the fact that I didn't have a peace of mind? No one cared about me enough to try and hold on. As closed off as I was, I thought someone – Kakuzu – would be able to force me to open up and they wouldn't turn away because they knew who I really was.

It seemed like a stupid idea now. Sighing, I found myself in front of my dresser again. The ache in my chest was back but not because of a rapid heartbeat. I wistfully muttered to myself as I stared at my dagger. I could do it. I could just get it over with. I reached out and then looked at my bedroom door, thinking of my adoptive mother. What would she think? What would she do? After all that hard work she'd put into keeping me smiling over the past few years, was I really going to throw it away for one guy? _Well, _I thought reasonably. _Would you want to die before you can attempt to kill Kakuzu? _I had to stifle more tears. That was a terrible thought.

As badly as it hurt to know that because I was crazy, Kakuzu had left me, it hurt me more to think that I could repeat my mistakes with him. I refused to do so. I would write my mother an apology note. With that in mind, I turned to my desk. I quickly found a notebook and a pencil and began to scribble out my thankfulness and apology. Glancing it over, I realized how bad it seemed. I hoped she wouldn't be too upset.

"_You're really going to do this?" _Kristopher inquired curiously. He didn't sound concerned or angry. I'm not sure if that made this easier or harder.

"Yes," I whispered, deciding that I could talk to them out loud. It wouldn't matter for much longer.

Kristopher pursed his lips. _"After everything we've done to keep you alive. To keep you here…"_

"Oh, please. You've done nothing but damage my life. I'll be glad when I can't hear your smarmy little voices anymore," I retorted easily. I was slightly surprised at how good that felt so I quickly pushed on. "You know, you guys are the worst things that have ever happened to me? I hate you so much. You've never done anything to benefit me. You can try to justify everything all you want but I will never see anything you've done as good."

"_So getting just a year in the asylum was bad?" _Jay asked harshly, trying again to cover something up.

I frowned and went back to my dresser. "I wouldn't have been in there in the first place if it hadn't been for you guys." They didn't have anything to say to that. I picked up the dagger and rolled it in my hand a few times. I didn't want to decorate my skin with scars. That was too much. I needed it quick and as clean as possible. Bracing myself, I took the dagger in my other hand as well and directed the point at my chest.

_"Hidan, are you okay?"_

"_That's what you are, Hidan. A tulip among sunflowers."_

I swept it inward until it was touching my chest. But I didn't plunge. I figured that would be a little too difficult. So I slid it down to just under my chest plate. For a half a second, I hesitated. And then I made up my mind. It went quickly and smoothly up under the bone and instantly, the black overtook me.

* * *

_**Mom and Dad, **_

_**If there was a family that I ever loved more, I can't find it. I've never met anyone like you. You and Dad are…really good people. Mom, I loved the nights we'd just sit and watch romantic comedies and drink tea. I loved that you cared but were never really suffocating. You were the best mother I have had yet. I appreciate everything. You'll never know how much you mean to me. Dad, I know you tried hard for never wanting me in the first place.**_

_**Thanks so much.**_

_**No, I didn't do this for anything you've ever done. I guess I owe you a slight explanation. See, I'm schizophrenic. But I didn't want to tell anyone. It's become a bit much. So, I'm sorry, I've given up. Love you guys.

* * *

**_

**Kakuzu,**

**Thank-you.**

**I love you.**


	14. Fourteen

**A/N: **_I…didn't want to have to put any author notes on this chapter but… puts face in hands You guys didn't seem to get something. Kakuzu really DID break-up with him. Now, you didn't really catch WHY in your haste of getting to the end of the chapter. He dumped him because Hidan refused to get help with his schizophrenia. As much as he liked Hidan, he didn't want to have to worry about him that much. You understand now, _ja_? _

**Reverie: ****Nein, du hast**** recht gut. (Sorry if that doesn't translate right...) **** A few things in your sentence structure could be fixed but for the most part, I understood everything. Thanks so much. I'm glad you liked the story! And, yeah...For the most part, I really only made Kakuzu break-up with him because no one believed he would. ;D Cruel, I know but I couldn't resist.**

**Hida Hida: Thanks for all your support throughout this story! Aw, you made me feel bad for Hidan's choice... Ha, glad I could bring you to tears, though! :D **

_And to all my other reviewers that I could probably (and most likely did) reply to: Thanks for your support and encouragement! _

_The other thing that I get to say is…I'm sad. This story is finally ending. I mean, as much of a hassle as it's been, it's still one of my favorites. I'm going to actually be sad when I hit the complete button after this is posted. I'll miss all of you reviewers. I'll miss all the reviews I get complimenting the dark side of this story. I hope that I'll get to see you all elsewhere. Maybe I'll end up reading one of your stories and I'll be one of your reviewers. Maybe you'll read my other stories or new ones I'll be posting. Ha, this is starting to sound funny. Anyway, my point is, after all this hard work, the story is finally ending. I'm very grateful to all of you who stuck around and read this all the way through. I'm glad you've liked it up until this point. Hope this chapter doesn't disappoint you!_

**Afraid of the Dark**

**Fourteen**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or characters thereof. Naruto was written and illustrated by Masashi Kishimoto.**

I open my eyes, staring around me foggily – not that there's much to stare at. The entire room is white and I'm having difficulty focusing on anything at the moment. My head is pounding but it's probably because of the florescent light embedded in the ceiling above me. I sigh. That had been a really good dream. If it really had been a dream, that is. The memories of it aren't really fading like I think they should for a dream. Or maybe it had just been a really good dream and that's why I can't forget it yet. I hesitate, wondering if there's something I'm missing that will make this suddenly become clear.

But I can't think of anything that will help me decide if this had been a dream or not. There's only the simple fact that it _had _been really odd that a family had been waiting for me to get out of an _asylum_. Then again, I can't remember falling asleep either. I pull my knees up to my chin and stare up at the ceiling. Is my mind that demented that it can come up with such wonderful images that hurt me so badly? How had I even imagined such a wonderful person anyway?

I wish my hands were free so I can pull at my hair. It's something I miss doing when I'm frustrated. Funny, I can't remember doing that in my dream… I close my eyes and think back to when I'd met that blonde kid. He'd been so loud and obnoxious. I wonder why he'd told me he was schizophrenic too. I wonder why he'd never told me he was ADD. Suddenly, I'm hoping that I hadn't messed anything up for him by mentioning the danger I'd put him in when confessing to Kakuzu. _But he was just a figment of my imagination,_ I insist, perplexed. But I'm not sure. It's bothering me that I can't distinguish a dream from reality.

Thinking about the guards, I wonder if they'd ever let me out. I scare most of them so probably not. _There. See? If the guards won't let you out, then you were just dreaming. _Yet the characters in my dream, the events…they didn't seem like something I could make up.

I'm still extremely confused, though. None of my logic really works in this situation. _Not that it ever really worked to begin with... _I sigh and look up at the florescent light above me, finally acknowledging the irony of its placement. "Kristopher?" I call, wondering where my voices are.

_"Finally gave me a name, huh?" _he asks, appearing before me as though he'd just walked into the room. Then he laughs loudly._ "Wondering how you ended up back here? Well, good thing! I was starting to wonder myself, actually... Pretty awesome dream you had there."_ He grins wickedly and pats my head. _"Oh, think about this, Hidan. If you believe that was real, then you don't put very much trust in us. Honestly! As if this was our fault!"_

"But it is..." I whisper, my voice much weaker now that I'm trying to defend myself again. I guess I'd thought I was never going to see him again and that's why it had been so easy to stick up for myself. "This isn't how I thought it would end..." I admit slowly, looking around for Sky and Jay. They almost instantly appear.

Jay sits down beside me and throws an arm around my shoulders. _"So then tell us: how did you think it would end? Were we supposed to be gone?"_

This thought amuses them and they all laugh heartily. "Well... Yes. But I thought that... I thought that Deidara or Kakuzu would..." I trail off, uncertain of my words. Then I shake my head. "Were they even real? Was that life real or was it a dream? Please, I need to know!"

Kristopher considers me for a moment before he bends down to look into my eyes. _"You tell me. Did that blonde brat really make your life that much more bearable? Did that masked idiot really make you want to commit suicide? Was your mother really that kind? Would any of them really take you like this?" _He smiles, almost sympathetically. _"What do you think, Hidan? Tell _us_."_

I bite my lower lip, unsure of his approach. "You were never this straightforward with me..."

He shrugs. _"I never had to be. You behaved well enough." _His smile grows again until it's wide across his face. _"You submitted easily."_

I glare defiantly at him. "So? That doesn't account for much!"

Sky, who has been standing behind Kristopher for awhile now, shakes his head. _"Oh, Hidan. You've never been so difficult."_

"Well, you're not really answering me!" I cry, desperate and scared. "It's not fair! I can't distinguish reality from a dream now? Why am I like this? What did I do to deserve this life?" They all frown at me, staring intently at my face. I start crying, overwhelmed with my fears. "It's not fair! It's not!"

Kristopher leans forward and brushes his fingers against my cheek, catching a few of my tears on them. He pulls his hand back and stares at it for a moment. _"We never asked for you. I promise. You were a good kid. Very nice and you loved your mother." _He wipes his hand on his shirt and looks toward the door. _"She loved you. She probably does still. But... it wasn't really your mistake to make. We thought you'd be smarter. We thought we could bypass you completely." _He shakes his head sadly.

_"But you said it. It was your fault," _Sky points out, eyes clouded with something that looks like grief. _"You wanted to stand out. Wanted to be different. You would give anything to be as special as your mother claimed you were."_

I stare at them, surprised. "What?" Then a new thought pops into my head. "So what does that make you guys?"

Jay smiles darkly. _"Figments of your imagination, of course. But so well created that we might be considered real - except only you can see us." _He shrugs. _"That's a pity, really. We would really love to show ourselves off." _He snickers happily.

"You… You've always made my life so difficult," I mutter, trying to wrap my head around this turn of events. They seemed so nice now but that couldn't be right. They weren't nice. They were the opposite of nice – they always had been. So why the sudden change?

"_Well! We didn't want to be here to begin with!" _Sky snaps, seeming irritated now. _"If you weren't going to let us go anytime soon, why shouldn't we make your life a living Hell?" _He exhales deeply and looks away. _"Seriously."_

I look down at my knees as I mull this over. "So…I'm keeping you here." I then think of something I hadn't ever considered before. I look at Jay and instantly our eyes meet. His green eyes with a tint of red to them. My breath catches and I'm terrified. Was Kakuzu real and Jay was influenced by him? Or was Jay real and Kakuzu was influenced by him? I frown, perplexed by this idea. It's a bit painful to think that Jay had influenced the creation of the most magnificent man I'd ever met before – and I probably never even met him! "There's so much I never figured out about…" But I can't say his name anymore. I feel like it would ruin my image of him.

I wriggle out of Jay's grasp and collapse onto the padded floor, staring straight at the wall opposite me. Jay scoffs and gets up, kicking my foot gently. _"When you're done pouting, let us know, okay?"_

Nodding, I start to doubt my ability to follow through with Jay's proposition. I close my eyes and try to ignore everything. My voices are chattering animatedly. I wish they'd shut-up. I wish I wasn't here. Either I had really lived through that year and my suicide attempt had landed me back here or I had never left and my suicide attempt had jolted me awake. There had probably been a point where I'd stopped recognizing anything – it didn't matter which reality. If I had been shipped back here, there was probably some sort of protective barrier my mind had created to keep me from seeing what was happening. If I had "fallen asleep", it probably just been a defense mechanism in my brain where I had failed to recognize my surroundings for a period of time. Either way, I wasn't sure how I'd gotten here or if I'd ever left.

I let the tears stream down my face, cascading over the bridge of my nose and silently landing on the ground. I'm so confused. I'm in so much pain, it hurts to breathe. "I want out…" I whisper pathetically. Somewhere near my feet, I hear one of the voices mutter something about me "starting that again". It doesn't matter what they think, what they say. They aren't real. I'm crazy. At least I know that now; I don't have to question it anymore. Honestly, I only want one person beside me and I'm not sure if he's real or not. I close my eyes and silently beg. If I had imagined him once, I could do it again, right? Isn't that a pretty basic principle?

After what feels like hours though, I give up. I haven't heard the door open and there's no one beside me – I'm paranoid enough to know if there was. I sigh and relax into a sleep full of dark dreams. Uncertain memories mingling with irrelevant images conjured from my demented imagination. When I wake up, I wonder if the tears tickling my face had stopped and then started again during my sleep or if they had never stopped. I drearily open my eyes and stare at nothing. The voices must have disappeared again because I can't sense them and I can't see them. Sighing, I drop my head back down. It'll be a pain to sit up again but I don't have the strength to right now so it doesn't really matter to me. _What _does_ matter? _I suddenly wonder, glancing around at the blinding white. During my dream or short reality – I still don't know – it had been staying alive for my adoptive mother and for my friends.

So what now?

The question strikes me as familiar but I can't place why. It also hits me hard and makes me think of my situation again. For starters, it doesn't matter if I dreamt it all or if I'd lived it all. I'm back where I started. Either the year isn't up yet or I'm starting a brand new year. I grimace, hating both ideas. I don't want to be here any longer. I don't want to be thinking fruitless thoughts of suicide using the plastic from the florescent light that I will never reach. I don't want to scream until my throat is raw because the lights went out. I don't want to talk to myself and have the doctor step in just to shake his head and leave again. I don't want to be crazy.

A strangled sob escapes me and I curl into fetal position. I had been serious when I'd yelled at Kristopher that it wasn't fair I'm crazy. I hate it. I kick the wall behind me and hear an unsatisfying, dull thud. My foot doesn't even hurt. Self-inflicted pain is impossible in here. I feel like I probably forgot that little tidbit in my time away. Imaginary or not, I feel disoriented now. At least before that little trip to the most perfect reality I could ask for, I'd figured out all my limitations. I pull my foot back and squeeze my eyes shut. The other thing I must have forgotten is how I can't figure out how much time is passing. It feels like decades. I whine and try to stop my tears that I haven't fully realized were still falling.

A hand touches my shoulder but I can't open my eyes. My breath hitches and I'm terrified of what this means. If I open my eyes and see that beautiful face, I can know – be reassured – that I'd just made up a completely fake reality. Well, actually, that's not true. If it's him and he's real, he could have easily opened the door without me noticing. After all, in my current state, I'm not very observant. _So open your eyes and find out, _I tell myself. Then he speaks.

"Hidan?"

It's his voice…His beautiful voice, in my ear. I bite my lower lip and open my eyes. He's staring right at me, his brilliantly green eyes reflecting red even in this dim light. His mask is lowered and he's smiling, albeit sadly. I start to consider him being a figment of my imagination all that more realistic. For when had he ever voluntarily removed his mask in public? I frown at him and his smile falters. His lips move but no sound escapes. I want to reach out and touch him. It's something that has just occurred to me – the voices always touched _me_, I never touched _them_. Maybe if I had tried, my fingers would have slipped through them. Maybe that would be how I could distinguish this man in front of me from reality or hallucination. But my hands are bound and I don't want to kick him.

He rubs my shoulder a little, almost like he's trying to convey support. "I don't want to be here…" I whisper. Hallucination or not, I know he'll sympathize. He looks above me at the blank and padded wall.

"You never asked for help, really," he reminds me and I feel myself giving into some sort of temporary defeat. "I'm sorry." My heart quickens and I stare at his face. He won't turn his eyes back to me though. This little fact scares me as much as it mystifies me. "I'm sorry…" he repeats with a shake of his head. He finally stares down at me again. I try to think of anything he could possibly be apologizing for but I can't think of anything. Nothing is coming to mind. Even our breakup is justified in my head so I can't imagine him apologizing for that. Besides, why would he unless he didn't want to leave me?

I struggle to find my voice again and when I do, I rasp, "Sorry for what?" Crying diminishes my voice; I seem to have forgotten that as well. His eyes glaze over and his smile vanishes completely. My heart is beating even more rapidly now. I feel like I'm missing something major. I should be the one apologizing! So why can't I bring my voice to say it?

"Don't worry about it. When you figure it out, just know that I'm so very sorry," he finally tells me. It's not the answer I want and I'm about to tell him so when he presses his lips to mine. That's a confusing gesture. Now I really and truly cannot decide if this is real or not. It's such a rash thing for him to do – would he have done it if he were a real person or is he my imagination and this is some sort of contorted attempt at comforting myself? His lips feel real. But so did Kristopher's touch. And Sky's. And Jay's. In the midst of our kiss, I let out something between a moan and sob. It distracts him enough that he pulls away. I can't decide if that's relieving or not.

I whine and drop my head back. "This isn't fair. I can't move…" I mumble, frustrated and unable to do anything about it. My eyes close again and I somehow manage to end up on my stomach. That'll be hard to get out of later. But I don't want to face him anymore. I can only take so much of him. "Why are you here?" I ask eventually, my voice weak because I'm not sure I want to hear the answer.

He's silent for what feels like several minutes before he says, "I came to see you. I wanted to know if you were alright…" There's nothing more to his explanation. There's nothing to prove or disprove that I actually lived and he's real. I sigh and turn my head awkwardly to look at him. "And you seem well…enough."

"For being in this hellhole," I reply bitterly, finding that there was still a little anger left inside of me that was willing to motivate me. "Yeah, well…"

"Hidan, please…" he begs but I don't know why he's so upset. Neither of us have done anything. I stare at him hesitantly. I feel like I'm losing more and more power over this situation and it's frustrating me. For all I knew, the randomness of this conversation was a confirmation that it was a hallucination. At the same time, it proved that he was in control – as he always had been for the short time I'd known him. I can't decide which is the more pleasing conclusion. "You're not yourself in here. I can…I can visit often. You need to be you again. The Hidan I fell in love with seems like he's gone here. Where is he?"

I bite my lip and then retort, "Hiding, trying to keep what little sanity is left in me alive. You've never lived in here before. It's terrible. It drives me further insane instead of keeping me sane. I'm terrified in here." He stares at me, either not comprehending or trying to stay stoic. It doesn't matter. Both bother me. _A lot seems to not matter here, _I muse, slightly entertained by this thought. "Don't come back. You're just confusing me."

He continues to stare at me, some sort of light dawning on his face. "Confusing you? I could be the one thing that helps you keep your sanity…" I really want to interrupt him here and tell him that it doesn't work that way but he doesn't give me a chance. "This place doesn't have to be your prison."

"It is!" I scream, my frustration boiling over. The little window on the door slides open and I see guard's eyes sweeping the room. My heartbeat increases several increments. "I just…"

"You haven't said my name yet," he suddenly cuts in. His voice sounds like he's torn between guilt, sorrow, and irritation. I refuse to meet his eyes. It's a scary thought to me, to have to say his name aloud. I'm afraid that it will ruin this moment between us. I'm afraid that if he's a hallucination, I'll make him vanish. I'm afraid that if he's not, all he needs is a confirmation that I'm too far gone. I can't decide what to do. He's so calm now, staring intently at me as if waiting. He _is_ waiting.

I wiggle onto my side again; he does nothing to help me. I frown at him, silently begging him to just drop it. But he's still waiting. I glance around the room, wishing I'd come to a more definite conclusion before he'd arrived. The fight over whether or not he had been created by my own mind still lingers near the surface, daring me to fall back on it and believe it or take a chance in trusting that he's real. I bite my lip again, not letting it go until I can taste blood leaking out onto my tongue. "I'm terrified," I whisper and then pause, debating even more within seconds. It's a hard choice for me because I don't want him to leave – I don't care if he's a hallucination or if he's a real being. I don't want him to go. But he's so expectant. I hesitate a moment longer and then manage,

"Kakuzu." I try to read the expression on his face but there is none.

His lips part and a little sigh of air escapes.

"Who?"


	15. Thirteen A

**Afraid of the Dark**

**Alternate Ending**

**Thirteen**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or characters thereof.**

**A/N: I am actually writing this picking up from about chapter thirteen and trying again. I was disappointed with my own efforts concerning the story and wanted to fix them. So, I am back to rewrite the ending for those who didn't like it. If you liked the original ending, then don't read any further because I don't want to disappoint you with it. Unfortunately, my idea for the first ending did not get written up the way I had wanted it to have been when I first thought it up as too much time had passed. Instead of trying to take the same premise and write it over, I am going to give it a whole new spin.**

**If you're here to stay, I hope you enjoy this ending. It has tormented me for two years now and I am going to correct that. I am so thrilled about all the support this story has gotten in the past and I oh so do not want to let anyone down this time around. Let me know what you think!**

**~DMP**

XxX

The glow in the dark stars were fading - a testament to how long I had been awake. My head felt too crowded, voices chattering back and forth and at me and about me and laughing and mocking and I wanted to scream! I pushed my face into my pillow and closed my eyes shut tightly. My chest made a painful double-beat and I pulled the blankets over my head. For being so afraid of the dark, I sure seemed to spend a lot of time in it. Sky laughed loudly, a shill and demonic sound that actually made me whimper aloud.

What had made me decide to be so honest? He hadn't needed to know everything about me. Maybe if I had just kept up my illusion for him, he would be curled up against me, holding me together and making me feel so safe. But how was that fair to him? I had almost lost control. How could I let myself hurt him? Would I have been able to live with myself if Kristopher had hurt him?

I lived with monsters in my head and incomplete memories, fuzzy around the edges because they were simply stories I had been told. "They're only stories," I remembered reasoning with myself once, sitting in the room with the padded walls. I wouldn't have been in that room if it hadn't been for Kristopher throwing a rather violent fit after the sentence. He physically hurt three people, including myself, and threatened the entire room. After restraining me, I got a shiny new straight jacket and a worn down room. For one whole day, my head was silent except for my own thoughts and I tried to convince myself that everything I had done - from the rape to the fit - had simply just been stories and therefore were not reality because I didn't remember them. I now called upon this reassurance to calm myself down and fall into a fitful sleep.

XxX

A soft tapping noise woke me up late in the morning the next day. I cracked my eyes open and looked over at my door where my mom was poking her head in, a hesitant smile on her face. "I have pancakes and orange juice on the table, if you're interested, sweetie..." she informed me quietly, sensing that something wasn't really right with me. She probably thought I had a headache or something but it was the thought that counted and I appreciated it.

"Okay. Let me pull on some sweats and I'll be down in a minute," I replied, my voice still slurred with sleep. She nodded and closed the door with a soft click behind her. I rolled onto my back and tried to blink away any remaining drowsiness, dozing once or twice in the process. Eventually, I dragged myself from my bed and to my dresser. I picked out the most comfortable pair of sweats that I owned and a T-shirt about three sizes too big on me and dressed myself in them.

When I had stumbled down the stairs and into the kitchen, my mom gave me a bright smile and set a plate on the table piled with a stack of pancakes and a few pieces of bacon. I gave her a grateful grin in return and sat down, digging in. As she set a glass of orange juice by my plate, she sat down at the end of the table, folding her arms on the surface. "Hidan..." she began cautiously and I glanced at her curiously. "I know you're not much of a talker - never have been, frankly - but I know that something is going on with you. I always have an ear available for you to rant at, if you need. Just don't forget that, okay? I love you, no matter what."

I wasn't very hungry after that. I set down my fork and stared at the pancakes as if they had something to do with my loss of appetite. My thoughts on just telling her everything resurfaced. And I knew that the only thing holding me back was fear. She could tell me that nothing I said would stop her from loving me but there was a limit for every person and I didn't know what hers was. I didn't want to push at it and lose her. However, she did deserve to know something of what was going on with me and so I told her a half-truth: "Kakuzu broke up with me..."

She actually looked shocked, which pleased something dark deep inside me. It was like an invisible hand stroked the monster inside me softly and made it purr in approval. I shivered slightly at the thought. "Why would he do that? I thought he really liked you!"

"I thought he did too but I guess not..." I sipped at my orange juice, feeling more miserable by the word. With every _syllable_ that left my mouth, I knew that I was digging my way deeper and deeper into a pit of despair. I knew that I couldn't tell my mom the_ reason_ Kakuzu had left me, which was ultimately the cause of my current spiral into the black hole of depression and thus the most important thing that I needed to tell her. The words had formed, were resting on my tongue with an impossible pressure, urging me to open my mouth and let them tumble from my lips. Defiantly, I clenched my jaw shut.

She took a thoughtful swig of her probably cold by now tea and studied me carefully. After what felt like an hour, she set her mug down and looked me dead in the eye. "You were up very late last night... I thought that maybe you were sleeping better now. Has your insomnia gotten worse?"

I think that was the last thing I had expected her to ask and so I was at loss for words for a full sixty seconds, letting my brain scramble and grab for something solid. "I guess," I managed to croak. Clearing my throat, I expanded, "Just some nightmares that are bugging me; make it hard to sleep sometimes..."

"I see," she whispered, turning her eyes to the tabletop and drawing meaningless designs onto the false wood. She had an anxious air about her, as if she was quivering from the inside but refused to let it show outwardly. "Don't get me wrong with what I am going to say, alright? My intention is not to pry but to understand." She didn't stop staring at the table and her anxiousness was spreading to me. "You haven't talked much about your life before your father and I. Do your nightmares have something to do with that? Did something happen before we met you?"

Now. I could say it now. But I had cleared the words off my tongue, swallowed them back down and they were defiantly not going to come back. I sighed and took another bite of a pancake. "Yes, they have a lot to do with the time before I met you..." I confessed after I managed to wash the bite down with some orange juice.

My mom looked up at me again and hesitated before asking, "What happened that could possibly give you so many nightmares? I'm worried about you, Hidan..." I could hear in her voice that she was and it made my heart twist painfully in indecision and fear.

Immediately, Sky and Jay were there, voicing their opinions on why telling my mom was such a bad idea. Kristopher appeared at the seat across from me, giving me both a disapproving and a warning look in one. I think it was his arrogance on the matter that made my decision so easy. Because behind those expressions was one of an arrogance knowing that I would never tell, that my burden was mine alone to bear. I was sick of lugging around all the weight, though. It was exhausting and I trusted my mother. I turned my face away from Kristopher, eyes still on him as I addressed my mom. I wanted to see the look on his face. "A lot. You know that I was committed into an asylum but on what charges you weren't informed of, right?" I saw a nod from my peripheral vision and Kristopher was frowning, the other two silent with shock. Encouraged by the results, I continued, "I don't remember much of what I'm going to tell you but they're the reasons I was put there."

And I told her everything. All the inky black details that Sky had once described to me for shits and giggles. The girl. How I had met Kakuzu. I told her about the day Deidara and I had explained our problem to each other and that's why we were best friends. The reason I had panic attacks. Nightmares. Why Kakuzu had dumped me. And, the most important thing of all, why I had never told her the truth but instead had masked everything behind carefully crafted lies.

There was a deafening silence when I was finished.

My mom's eyes were puffy and red from crying and tear-tracks were still moist on her cheeks. I studied her carefully in the stillness, looking for the signs of panic or fear or even disgust. But none of them appeared. Instead, she pushed her chair back, walked around to me and pulled me into a tight hug. "Hidan," she murmured brokenly into my ear and, for a minute, I was afraid she was going to tell me that it was too much for her and she was going to have to get rid of me. "I wish you had told me sooner. We could have done so much more for you so much faster. I can't believe he would dump you over something he can't understand." She pulled back, eyes hardened with anger at all the people who had ever decided I wasn't worth having in their lives but soft with love for me. "I can't understand it all but I don't have to. I love you anyway. We'll get this sorted out. You won't have to live like this forever."

I started to smile when Kristopher slammed his hands onto the table and angrily stood up. Instinctively, my head snapped around, eyes widening in fear. "How dare you!" he roared, face turning red with his fury. "To put all the blame on us! We're the ones who have saved you over and over! People are _not_ to be trusted, Hidan! We have _told_ you this before! You don't _listen_!" His voice was making my head hurt and I whimpered slightly. My mom looked where I was staring, as if expecting a spider or something. When she saw nothing, she turned back to me worriedly and touched my forehead, whispering my name. "She is a _liar_ who doesn't_ care_ about you! How many years have we kept you safe from the world!? Think about how _safe_ you have been, even in that white room.

"You're an ungrateful little _bitch_, Hidan! We came to you when you were alone and scared and took you away from everything that terrified you! We made a path for you, to give you this nice cushy little life! And you don't _see_ that! All you see is _pain_. You're such a _child_! We didn't have to bother, you know. We could have turned away the first time you said 'no'. But we knew you needed _friends_, companions to keep you _safe_!" He barked out a harsh laugh. "You're so stupid! When will you learn?"

I knew what was coming. It was written all over his face. And so I looked at my mother and mouthed an apology before Kristopher wrapped his hands around my head and leaned in close, turning me to look at him. "We will teach you until you understand."

Then I knew. All the drawings on my wall, the ones I couldn't remember drawing, were of Kristopher's eyes. They were dark but alight with a rage I could never hope to comprehend. His features were taut with a determined fierceness. With one deep breath, he sucked the strength from me and I closed my eyes, fighting back the endless darkness but unable to keep close to the lightness above. I sank and I sank and I sank until I felt everything lift away with an airiness that you can only attain when drowning.

As everything disappeared, I felt every shard of hope being plucked away from me; my precious treasure had been taken away by clever hands and a sinister mind. I wondered, briefly, if I would become the monster of my nightmares and never again return to the surface of my mind.

XxX


End file.
